Utopia for the Modern Family

Last updated on: November 5, 2015 at 8:39 am by Anne Kennedy

Utopia for the Modern Family 2015-11-05T08:39:09-04:00 Anne Kennedy

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

My thirteen year old is starting to get a handle on her online classes. When we started the year, I expected that both the course material, and the reality of signing in every day and keeping up with the class and the teacher, would be an uphill climb. As I said to her when we were both anxious and stressed on the first day of class, “what I am doing is flinging you into the deep end of an Olympic sized pool. It’s going to be awful. You’re going to feel like you’re drowning. You’re going to splutter and struggle and panic. But, because you do know how to swim, it’s going to be ok.” Or words to that effect, in many variations.

And, what I expected indeed came to pass. She was horrified by the amount of work. Heh heh heh. She was shocked to find that when she didn’t study, she couldn’t pass. None of it, or not very much of it, could be blamed on me. I was as helpful as possible, but in the end, she had to do the work and had to learn the material.

Part of the learning curve has been figuring out when she can study without interruption. She’s tried the evenings. She’s tried the afternoons. Finally she discovered that if she gets up at 6am and goes by herself into the dining room, she can do all her work before anyone else, save her father, is even up. No longer does she have to make decisions about whether to study or whether to play, she has already studied.

“It’s perfect” she keeps saying. Which is great, because her expectations of happiness are so significantly lowered, and her understanding of the kind of work that’s required for success has so increased, that she thinks that waking up really early and doing math is “perfect”. In some sense, I have arrived. I’ve done all I can do as a mother and I’m popping open the champagne. If I’ve prayed for anything….well, this is one of the things that I’ve prayed for.

Like so many, including myself, she is bewitched by the idea that if she could just arrive at the perfect arrangement of her time, all her troubles would go away. If I can just cram this task into this slot, then all the other tasks will miraculously fall into order and perfection. The liberal thinks that Utopia can be reached through the narrowing and managing of ideas (and how ironic is that), whereas I always believe (wrongly) that if I just develop the perfect schedule, and acquire the perfect handbag (but that’s another subject for another day), I will have attained to some better, happier plane.

The reason I’m circling around this is because the NYT has discovered, yet again, that the modern family is stressed. This is as novel and surprising as the Swedes discovering that if you put one foot in front of the other more swiftly, you’ll get where you are going faster. ‘What are we gonna do?’ all the researchers and social scientists are wailing. With men and women both working there’s not enough time, there’s not enough of anything. The baby needs more time, and the work needs more time, and the individual person needs more time. Let’s have paid leave for both partners when the baby comes. And better, more free, after school care. Also, let’s have the men recognize that they’re not pulling their weight with the housework. Here’s a terrible problem, let’s rearrange the time and the money and that will fix it and then we’ll all be happy.

But see, as I try to tell myself every day, it’s not the time and the money. Even when I eliminate all the stress from my life and have the perfect schedule, I’m still not happy because I’m the problem. Me, I’m the one that makes utopia impossible. And you. Not just me. Each individual is the problem. Systems can alleviate some stress and produce a temporary happiness and relief, but they are as a fleeting shadow. As soon as Elphine has to face a new class schedule, the perfect dream that she has now will be shattered. And the only reason she thinks it’s a perfect dream is because it’s better than what she had before. If you’re in rotten pain and stress and then one of the pains goes away, you believe yourself to be thrillingly happy.

The only way that the modern family can be relieved of its stress, I think, is for the modern family to hideously and tragically lower its expectations. You can’t have both people work full time and keep house and enjoy your baby. You’re not God. You’re not omnipresent. You can juggle it, you can make it work, but you can’t live a stress free happy life. I understand that nobody wants to do this, and that it’s not understood to be the American way, but without the concept of personal sacrifice, without lowering of the expectations of what everyone thinks should be happening to them, happiness isn’t going to overflow and transform the American family and landscape. Difficult choices have to be made. Do you want more money? More time with baby? More time for yourself?

Interestingly, in the NYT article, white college educated people registered the most stress. Other ethnicities are poorer, and are working hard, but the great burden of stress is being born by the white middle class. But isn’t it us, in the white, bourgeois, college educated, American insanity who have been come to believe that we can have it all? That the baby and the job and the ego of the man will not conflict? That it is only an arrangement of time and money that is the problem? You can’t tell me that an African American single mother is not stressed, but, unhappily, her expectations are generally so low, she is happy if she gets to put her feet up in the evening for a few minutes. The system doesn’t particularly help her, but she’s not expecting it to. Whereas the woman with her masters degree and her husband and baby in tow is exhausted both by the work, and by the insanity of trying to juggle all the components.

As the world becomes poorer, narrower, and more violent I think happiness is actually on the horizon. As the money and opportunity dry up, so will all the expectations of happiness, at which point, Joy might begin to creep in.

Previous Post

November 4, 2015

Sure, Let's Ditch Masculinity

Next Post

November 6, 2015 7 Quick Takes: Spelling, Vodka and the Gospel

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category books Catechesis of the Good Shepherd Children in Conversation culture watch Daily Devotions Demotivations with Anne faith alone for the grandparents GAFCON In conversation with children In the News Kitchen Notes Lambeth Learning Notes Life Going On Men are Human Notes from Home Pictures Reading the Bible Saturday Links Sermons Signs of the Apocalypse The Bad Word Association The Prayer of Jonah Travel Notes Uncategorized Witless Wednesdays Work and the Christian

Select a Month June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 July 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

I was fed by ravens at a brook and later by a widow whose oil and flour never ran out. Who am I?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Moses Elisha Elijah Samuel

Books by This Author Books by Anne Kennedy

See All Titles »