Tater Tot Christianity

Last updated on: September 4, 2015 at 8:40 am by Anne Kennedy

Tater Tot Christianity 2015-09-04T08:40:17-04:00 Anne Kennedy

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Update: Upon reflection, it occurred to me that critiquing the most beloved Christian blogger of right now may cause every single reader to froth in rage. In which case I’m Sorry! Chalk it up to me having a black ugly heart.

I was bemused and amazed, running into the stats of the most known Christian bloggers, that Ann Voskamp sits comfortably at number three. For those of you who smack into me at Coffee Hour, or in other venues where I am over caffeinated and under impulse controlled, you will probably fall into knowing way more of what I think and feel about Ann Voskamp’s writing and theological worldview, and indeed practically every other christianish public woman out there, than you ever bargained for. I am sorry, oh, indeed, I am trying to learn to moderate my tone, to lower and inhibit the waving of the arms, to fight against the shrill bite of irritation when I’m talking to people I like about people I, what’s the word I’m looking for. I am always struggling to be charitable. But as you know, “struggling” is christianese for failing.

So what do Rachel Held Evans, Beth Moore, Ann Voskamp, Sarah Young and handful of obscure Female Episcopalians all have in common? Not blog stats. If it was just blog stats I could be pegged as jealous, and I am clearly too holy for that, so it must be something else. Hmm. Maybe it’s great hair. Well, now, that cuts out Sarah Young and the obscure Episcopalians, of which only some have good hair. Ann Voskamp’s hair, though, is amazing. I’m sure that must contribute to her appeal. Same with Beth Moore. Oh my word, the gorgeous hair. Maybe if Donald Trump was relieved of a portion of his hair his poll numbers would begin to drop.

No, it’s not the hair, it’s not even, I don’t think, the glossy pictures. I rather put down the increasing popularity of these particular bloggers and celebrities to the deep well of boredom Christian Americans feel about language itself. Language, as Barbie so long ago said about math, is hard. And it is super irritating that God chose to make himself known through the use of language, in the bible. Words are nice and fine but they are a lot easier if you can pad them up with a lot of other stuff, like different kinds of fonts, and italics and bolding, and big long spaces, and then of course lots and lots of pictures. I realize, of course, that Beth Moore shouldn’t maybe be in this list because she’s not a writer, she speaks and has videos and stuff. But I think she does because she’s schilling in words and and she fashions herself a bible teacher.

If you listen to her for a few minutes, you’ll hear her easily and smoothly mangle and wreck whole portions of the scriptures. If you can’t bear listening to her all by herself, you can listen to Chris Rosborough fisk her and that’s lots more interesting. For example, there’s this horrible teaching about how not everything has to be slow, sometimes God can do something quickly, in your life, if you work with him. What a terrible lie to tell people who love Jesus. Sure, go ahead and add frustration and guilt, for no reason at all, just because you decided to stand up and talk and talk. Words have meaning, as some people have noticed, and most all of the words in scripture directly contradict the insane idea that you can speed up both God and yourself. Wait for the Lord, is the usual way. Wait patiently for him. When he does decide to be quick, it is usually for wrath, so why on earth would you go hoping for that? Anyway, there are so so so many problems with Beth Moore I will have to save that for some other days and weeks and months.

Back to Ann Voskamp, for just one tiny minute, because I actually do have to stop this and go do something more important, like find out why the house is so perfectly quiet and there are no sounds of children at all. I haven’t read One Thousand Gifts, which I intend to do. I only dip in and out of her blog and I have two troubles with her writing. 1. What does she have for the person who doesn’t feel anything, or much? What if you are not overcome by the wonder of if all, particularly of God? I guess she is trying to help you get there. You can ride the wave of her feelings and maybe gain some affection or something. And 2. What is she talking about? There is a heavy post modern deconstructionist vanity about her use of language. She doesn’t bother with whole sentences. She doesn’t need one thought to carefully follow another. I know it’s supposed to be pushing well nigh on towards poetry, but, well, I don’t think it gets there. The trading to sentimentalism for meaning and coherence I find most discouraging. And that she sits at Number Three! Gak. That means she is many many people’s, and probably mostly women’s, morning cup of coffee.

Honestly every time I read one sentence or scrawling poster of Ann Voskamp, I feel like I have had a helping of Duggar Tater Tot Casserole. It tastes moderately ok going down, but the feeling on the tongue, and the heaviness in the stomach, make me regret the click every time.

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