33 Excuses for Getting Out of Prepackaged Evangelical Bible Studies

Last updated on: September 25, 2018 at 10:07 pm by Jonathan Aigner

33 Excuses for Getting Out of Prepackaged Evangelical Bible Studies 2018-09-25T22:07:37-05:00 Jonathan Aigner

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I want to make one thing clear before I plant my tongue partially in cheek:

I love the Bible. Bible studies can be a wonderful thing. But most often they aren’t. And when Bible studies are bad, they are really freaking bad. So many of them are silly and trite, superimposing myopic, self-referential concerns onto the sacred text. Deep, persistent grappling with the biblical text is a mighty tough road, and most Christians don’t have the guts to undertake it.

So, we march our happy butts down to DeathWay and other peddlers of jesusy crap and invest in some boxed up tripe that pretends to answer a “relevant” question for our target demographic. Just like in worship, the easy, carb-laden stuff may get more butts in the seats, but it doesn’t nurture a faith that can withstand the encroaching ugliness around us.

But sometimes we just feel like we have to go, right? Peer pressure is a real thing.

Let’s just say that I have some experience with excusing myself from attending these sorts of endeavors, and I’d love to help you, too. Here are some great excuses you can use the next time you feel pressured to go to one of these studies.

I have a dental appointment.
I’m taking my dog/cat to be spayed/neutered.
I don’t get my truth from the Bible. I absorb it while spending time in nature.
Who cares what the Bible says? I only go to church for the kickin’ jesusy cover band.
Sorry, my extramarital affair partner is supposed to stop by tonight.
My excursion toward intimacy with God always ends at a Dairy Queen.
No can do. These terrible boils aren’t going to crack pots and scrape themselves.
No, thanks. I don’t want to.
Three words: Death Wish marathon.
Seeing that teacher and his leather-covered Life Application Bible always causes me to stumble.
Beth Moore? More like Beth BORE! Hahahahahahahaha…..
I’m allergic to eisegesis.
My spouse doesn’t allow megachurch literature in our home.
Sorry, but some Jehovah’s Witnesses just came to the door, and dadgummit, they made some awfully good points.
I’m more of a Christmas/Easter Bible study attendee.
Last time I tried living beyond myself I went up 6 pant sizes.
They’re always talking about Esther, and I’m uncomfortable learning the Bible from a woman.
I just drank a quart of prune juice.
Nah, I don’t need it. I get all my biblical knowledge from Chris Tomlin songs. And now my chains are gone.
The Spirit is leading me to have a few Old Fashioneds and a nice cigar.
I’d rather wait for the movie.
Don’t you know that saccharine has been proven to cause cancer in laboratory animals?!?!?!?
Spoiler alert: The rapture’s not real.
My doctor said that if I don’t cut back on prepackaged Bible studies he’ll have to up my blood pressure meds again.
Nope! There’s always that one lady who asks too many fool questions.
Prepackaged evangelical Bible studies are the petri dishes in which the bacteria of bad theology are nurtured.
I have a standing appointment to donate plasma at that time.
I have a standing appointment with my therapist at that time to work through the trauma of past Bible studies.
I think my parole officer might drop by, so I better stay close to home.
Darn! Hello Fresh just delivered supper, so I’m already committed.
I’d rather watch the weather channel.
I’m not “allowed” back at Bible study until I “finish” anger management classes for that one “incident” that happened last time.
Show me in the Bible where Jesus went to Bible study. I’ll wait.

Photo:
youtube screenshot

Uncategorized

Previous Post

September 23, 2018

Celebrating the Gifts of John Daker and His FUMC Peoria Pals

Next Post

October 25, 2018 7 Reasons Hymns are Better than Contemporary Worship Songs

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Church of St. YouTube congregational singing congregational song contemporary critiques corporate worship Hymn of the Week hymn singing hymnody and hymnology hymns masturbatory worship Uncategorized worship Worship Quotes

Select a Month February 2023 January 2023 October 2022 September 2022 April 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 November 2019 September 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who was raised from the dead by Peter in Joppa?

Select your answer to see how you score.

The widow's son Lazarus Tabitha Eutychus