Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Ponder Anew

Home
Evangelical
Help Me! I’m Being Forced to Attend a Contemporary Worship Service

Help Me! I’m Being Forced to Attend a Contemporary Worship Service

Last updated on: August 16, 2018 at 8:22 pm by Jonathan Aigner

Help Me! I’m Being Forced to Attend a Contemporary Worship Service 2018-08-16T20:22:45-05:00 Jonathan Aigner

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Here is a real, completely true question I got from a reader. Remember, I am not making this up.

Dear Ponder Anew,

Man, I’ve got this problem, and I’m too embarrassed to even tell my mom and dad about it.

I’m 21, a college senior, and I’ll graduate next Spring with a Sacred Music degree. So, I’m planning to do, you know, real church music and stuff.

Okay, so there’s this girl I really like, and I told her I’d start going to church with her. But I just found out she goes to one of those freaking contemporary megachurches my mom always warned me about.

This is awful. I had no idea. I mean, she has that Thris Comlin guy as her ringtone for me, but I just figured she thought we looked alike.

I’m desperate! I don’t know where to turn!

HELP!,

Ratt Medman

Dear Ratt,

Oh, wow. This is just terrible. This might be worse than being stuck in a car with K-LOVe blaring your brains out. But I do have one piece of advice that I think might help.

Run. Run away from this girl as fast as you can.

That’s what I would do if I were you. In fact, I did run from such a relationship once. She was kind, attractive, and was a fantastic violist, but things were never the same after I said I’d rather go watch the Braves than go to hear Andy Stanley over at North Point Church.

But only you can make this decision. People can change for the better. Never underestimate the power of good psychological counseling.

If you’re unwilling or unable to get out now, I can give you some advice. And this can work for all you other readers out there, too. I bet most of us have found ourselves in a similar undesireable situation, and barely lived to tell about it. I’ve heard so many stories.

“My niece was being baptized, and they lured me with the promise of Mexican food after church.”

“I figured their traditional service would be at 11am, because, you know, that’s the usual real church time. Then I got locked in.”

“I spent Saturday night with a friend, and in the morning they decided to ‘just visit.'”

“I thought it was some kind of club!”

“I got a postcard in the mail, inviting me to the Christmas Eve candlelight service. And I didn’t look them up first.”

“My grandparents make me go.” (This is actually quite common, because no matter how much people say “it’s all about the kids,” contemporary megachurches are being kept afloat by baby boomers.)

Whatever your reason, there is hope.

Here are 14 strategies to survive a Sunday service at a jesusy megachurch.

1. You’re 21, right? Okay, good. Buy a flask, and fill it with something tasty. Ordinarily, self-medicating isn’t healthy, but just this once… Try to keep it hidden, but if someone catches you, quote Ecclesiastes 9:7:

Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart; for God now accepteth thy works.

Always quote it in King James. Trust me.

2. Take a couple laxatives before a big Sunday breakfast. Then you’ll have a real excuse for a nice, long bathroom break. Make sure you get an aisle seat, though.

3. One word: earplugs.

4. If you know any of the commercial jesusy songs the house cover band is playing in their “worship set,” sing them in your most glorious, full, Robert Merrill-ish operatic style. If you don’t know who that is, it doesn’t matter. Just sing really loud with lots of squillo. If you don’t know any of the songs, just listen through one repetition. It won’t take long, I promise.

5. Stuff your pockets full of ping pong balls. Lots and lots of ping pong balls. Then as soon as someone assumes a historically-inaccurate Orans posture, hurl one in their direction. If you hit ’em, you get 5 points for each row that separates you. My personal record is 680.

6. Bring a violin with you, and run up onto the stage, that’s what they call the chancel, and join in. If someone stops you, tell them it’s not you, it’s the Spirit, so stop hating.

7. Bring a teenager with you. Rehearse this scene from the classic FOX animated sitcom, “King of the Hill.” After the closing “worship” song, make this happen.

8. There will probably be some people who take their shoes off. I don’t know why, it just usually happens at this sort of thing. Get a bottle of Triple Action Gold Bond Medicated Soothing No-Mess Foot Powder Spray, and see how many bare toes you can spray before security pummels you. (Yes, they have to have security at these things, you know, because the pastor thinks he’s some sort of celebrity.) My personal record is 722. One guy had six toes on each foot.

9. Okay, same idea, but bring a bottle of spray deodorant. There will be people who need it, and those are always the ones who throw their paws up in the air from the first strum on the six-string Ovation. You’ll be performing a service, really.

10. Serve the drummer with fake divorce papers.

11. No matter which song the cover band plays, sing “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees. When people around you complain, just say, “It’s cuz I’m a believer, man!”

12. When the pastor is preaching, go forward and try to get him to autograph your Bible.

13. This church probably trashed their organ 25 years ago, because “progress,” but if they happen to still have one around, see if you can pull off this classic Bart Simpson gag.

14. Three words: crowdsurfing for Jesus.

I wish you well, Ratt. Call me when you get home so I know you’re safe.

Your friend,

Jonathan

Previous Post

August 16, 2018

When “Traditional” Worship Becomes a Sentimental Journey to Nowhere

Next Post

August 21, 2018

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Church of St. YouTube congregational singing congregational song contemporary critiques corporate worship Hymn of the Week hymn singing hymnody and hymnology hymns masturbatory worship Uncategorized worship Worship Quotes

Select a Month February 2023 January 2023 October 2022 September 2022 April 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 November 2019 September 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What does Proverbs instruct to trust in with all your heart?

Select your answer to see how you score.

The Lord Yourself Rulers Money