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Troubled by Thoughts: A Journey of Faith and Redemption

Troubled by Thoughts: A Journey of Faith and Redemption

Last updated on: August 20, 2024 at 8:50 pm by HJ Sandigo

Troubled by Thoughts: A Journey of Faith and Redemption 2024-08-20T20:50:17-07:00 HJ Sandigo

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Still in the City of St. Francis, photo by author

Shall I abandon my Love? He who pined after me in the depths of despair, calling to this heart poisoned as it was by pride and vanity. For who can better care for creation than the Creator? Who better to govern your ways than the Father of All? Yet I entrusted the facilities of my soul to the devils.

Every breath was burdensome until I realized that the life within me was solely due to the generosity of Christ.

I sought meaning in the works of the dead, unaware of the truth of the cross – Love itself, pierced for our transgressions. A God who suffers and yearns for us – what a paradox.

El Elyon desires all people to be saved so that we may be One as Jesus and the Father are, and no longer live as lost sheep without a shepherd.

In the Divine Liturgy, we pray: “Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us!” The blood he shed was not a eulogy but a proclamation of life. Far from mere philosophy, it is the substance of being.

O manna of heaven, disfigured on our account, may our hunger not be for the works of the flesh, but for the mystical supper – a meal that knows no expiration. It is little in portion, yet boundless in its effect on the inner person.

My heart had many lacerations, and no treatment would suffice. Only he who endured the torments of humanity’s sin could reconcile the fallen and desolate to their Edenic state. The antidote of all angst is the Beloved, whose sandals I am not even worthy to hold. Yet he knocks at my door and wishes to sit at the table with me, to look me in the eyes and say:

For Love’s sake, trust that I am with you. Although you may not understand my will in totality, be sure that the depths of joy it contains are beyond your comprehension. There will be sorrow, suffering, and resistance along the way.

But if you persevere, not shying from the fire of purification, you will be clothed in majesty. And where I am, you also will be. Remember, I call you friend, and such a relationship can only deepen with time. If the way had no detours, there could be no treasury of blessings. Even the solitary is a light to those he will never see! Search for my face in others.

Would you ever dare to beat, mock, and deprive me of basic necessities? No? Then, by loving the people in your life well, both strangers and kinfolk alike, you are not only being saved but sanctifying the spaces you inhabit. As you go about your days, take nothing with you save for fear of God and love of neighbor. What you need, you already have, for the kingdom of God is within you.

How sweet are his words, how magnificent is his grace.

Jesus, hope undying.

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About HJ Sandigo

HJ Sandigo hails from Placerville, California. His decision to exchange his car for a camper van led him to explore the country and visit monastic communities across the globe. HJ is immensely grateful for the experiences, wisdom, and humor that people have shared with him throughout his odyssey. His work has been featured in Foreshadow Magazine, The Dreamland Review, Forum, and various poetry anthologies in San Francisco. You can read more about the author here.

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