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Pia de Solenni

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Is there anyone out there besides me?

Is there anyone out there besides me?

Last updated on: June 17, 2009 at 6:06 am by Pia de Solenni

Is there anyone out there besides me? 2009-06-17T06:06:08-07:00 Pia de Solenni

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‘The NYT recently ran a piece about a grad student’s decision to have an abortion. I was so stunned by the article that I’m only now able to articulate some semblance of a response.

This section of my website is called “Thinking Out Loud…” because I don’t make any pretenses that the thoughts are polished and perfect. I treat this as a type of blog, getting some ideas out there. Although I don’t have this set up for responses to the direct post, I can be contacted through my website or through Facebook.

So getting back to the article…you can read it here. Initially I was stunned. Not only is the article incredibly personal, it is very poignant. When I read something like this, I want to cry for the person; I want to be able to comfort them; I want to be able to offer them some sort of support because their situation seems so tragic that it appears there must have been a lot of missteps made long before this. But then there’s part of me that’s also shocked by disbelief.

The young woman in this story, Emmie, is 22-years-old, recently accepted to a demanding, presumably elite/prestigious graduate program. In other words, she has a lot going for her. Yet, she was in a sexual relationship with a man and didn’t seem at all prepared for the possibility of a pregnancy. I could understand the situation better if she didn’t appear to be one of the elite. By elite, I mean those privileged with education, talent, the ability to develop that talent, etc. But Emmie isn’t a young teenager who has no idea about anything. She’s a smart woman.

Along comes the baby, or the pregnancy if you prefer. Emmie decides to have the abortion because:

…a baby is too precious and wonderful to not plan for — I owe the children I have a better head start.

Yeah….but…

Sure she didn’t “plan” for it, but when are we all going to grow up and realize that we are somehow planning for a baby when we engage in sexual intercourse, even if we take “precautions” to not have a baby. I’ve often made the point that our age is one that seems much less intelligent than past ages. Despite all our education and technological advancements, many of us struggle with the reality that sex can lead to a baby. Every other culture in the history of the world has understood this, but we don’t…

Emmie talks about how the professors in her program are reputed (she has no actual experience of her own) to be harsh on pregnant students. Hmmm…wasn’t this one of the gains of feminism? Women aren’t supposed to be discriminated against for things like gender and pregnancy. There are laws that many people worked very hard to put in place. Why not use those laws for her own good?

There are also numerous pregnancy resource centers throughout the country that are prepared to help women facing difficult pregnancies with all sort of resources, not just medical. You can reach many/most of them here.
Emmie explains her decision in part:

Something had to give when it became clear that nothing was coming my way — not from the university, my family, my friends, or the father.

I guess I could understand this sentiment if she were writing this 50 years ago, but women have many more possibilities and opportunities than they did before. They don’t need to rely on “daddy” or a husband for everything. In part, I feel embarrassed for her because she neglects to realize the fact that even if things don’t come from others, they can come from her. I’ve known many single moms who made things happen for themselves because if they didn’t no one else was going to. These women took matters into their hands and they made a go of it. I’m honored to know these women and consider them an inspiration.

But then I wonder if my frustration is misplaced?

Describing her mother’s reaction, Emmie writes:

I talked to my mom yesterday and, even though she isn’t a very tender person, she said something that really stuck with me. I could tell she was really upset when she said, “Honey, this isn’t what I imagined for you. Being pregnant is such a wonderful experience and I wanted you to be surrounded by family and friends. Not like this.” I don’t think my mom has ever really told me what kind of life she’s envisioned for me, she’s always let me wander along. Of all the conversations I’ve had lately, that statement really hit me hard.

Sorry, but I have to wonder what sort of parent just lets their child “wander along”? Parents exist so that they can guide their children and help them to become healthy, functioning adults. Sure, not everything is within their control, but they do have a necessary role and they should be stepping up to the plate. Maybe Emmie didn’t get the parenting she needed as a child…

Speaking of stepping up to the plate, you may be wondering where the father of the baby is in all this discussion:
One good thing that came out of this is that the father of this child stepped up to the plate —– not financially, maybe, but emotionally. I wasn’t expecting him to because, after knowing each other for 12 years, I thought I had him figured out. But he has surprised me. Even though he agrees that terminating the pregnancy is the best option for both of us (he’s broke and I’m going to school), he’s trying desperately to do the right thing. He is scared out of his mind but still managed to offer me a ride to the doctor.

Again, I’m boggled. Where do I start? Is it a sign of progress when stepping up to the plate means giving the mother of your child a ride to the abortion facility? It’s not clear what their relationship is except that they’ve known each other for 12 years and “may not keep in touch after this ordeal.” I truly believe that feminism has brought about many advances for women. (I don’t include abortion as one of the advances.) But I’d like to know just what sort of progress we’ve achieved if men can’t be expected to do much more than offer a ride to a clinic or doctor’s office? On the other hand, maybe our abortion laws have reduced our expectations of women so that we no longer expect them to step up to the plate either.

I raise these questions because I think we ought to be able to have discussions about tough issues, even if we have our various disagreements. These discussions are not taking place. Instead, when abortion comes up, we hear about the “hard cases.” (I think every instance of abortion is difficult and not to be passed over lightly.) When are we going to start talking about individual responsibility? It’s hard to fathom that an educated young woman wouldn’t know that sex can lead to pregnancy or that contraception fails. The latter is written on the instructions that accompany every form of manufactured contraception.

Emmie concludes the explanation of her decision:

In some ways, I feel like I’ve given up. I didn’t want to go down without a fight, I wanted to be a tough mother who braved the world for her child. But maybe that’s the truly selfish decision, to expect my baby to understand why there’s no father and no money and no time to spend with mom. How could I raise a confident child under those circumstances? I know it’s been done but I want to do better — that’s the future I envision for myself.

It’s often been said that the perfect is the enemy of the good. I think we all have plans for the future that don’t turn out exactly how we want. But part of being an adult is rising to the challenge of coming up with new, maybe even better plans, not giving up when things don’t go as planned. If the present involves a human being that we brought into existence, the future can no longer be about ourselves. With regard to single moms, I don’t think being a single mom is what most of them envisioned for themselves. I doubt it’s what President Obama’s mother envisioned for herself…

So, my heart goes out to Emmie. I pity her the circumstances that led to this decision. But I also think that it might not hurt to have a discussion about what it means to be an adult. For one thing, it often means putting aside our plans and desires for others. Being an adult means that we realize that the world involves many more people than just ourselves and sometimes we might have to put ourselves aside for someone else’s good.

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