Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Philosophical Fragments

Home
Evangelical
The Battle of Water-Loo, Ghetto Santa, and Little Miss Stalin: Deep Thoughts on Fatherhood, Part 3

The Battle of Water-Loo, Ghetto Santa, and Little Miss Stalin: Deep Thoughts on Fatherhood, Part 3

Last updated on: December 21, 2011 at 4:01 pm by Timothy Dalrymple

The Battle of Water-Loo, Ghetto Santa, and Little Miss Stalin: Deep Thoughts on Fatherhood, Part 3 2011-12-21T16:01:03-04:00 Timothy Dalrymple

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

1. VICTORY IS SWEET (PEE). I had been preparing my daughter for the first night that she would sleep through the night without a diaper. She was scared she would have an accident. I reminded her that she had not had an accident for months, and I even showed her all the dry diapers that had gathered in the trash bin from all the nights when she “held it” until she woke up. There was not a single wet diaper. She was still scared. So, naturally, on the very day that she was to go diaper-less at bedtime, she “had an accident.”

I saw it happen. We had just returned from church. She stood in the door that leads from the garage to the kitchen and informed me of nature’s call. I made her wait for about ten seconds, since I had to fetch something from the car, and the next time I looked at her, she had this triumphant look on her face.

“I peeped,” she said. (This is her past-tense form of the verb, which is too funny for me to correct.) She might have been the Duke of Wellington announcing his victory at Waterloo.

And indeed she had “peeped.” I carried her, at arm’s length, to the bathroom, and took off the wet jeans. I sat her on the toilet for no particular reason, feeling forlorn.

Of course, you’re thinking the same thing now that I thought then: O for the days when I could get out of something simply by soiling my pants.

2. GHETTO SANTA CLAUS. My three-year-old asked Santa for a bunny when she saw him at the local mall. We could, I suggested to my wife, get a rabbit hutch in the backyard. Swiftly, my wife found a nice stuffed “Peter Rabbit.”

We were headed to a party where we were supposed to bring a present for ‘Santa’ (one of the other fathers) to hand out to the children. Unfortunately, the fellow who was supposed to be Santa wimped out (claiming to be “sick”), and I was asked to step up. You can’t exactly say no to that, can you?

I think I must have been the worst Santa in the history of Santas. The older kids commented on how “ghetto” my costume was — and they were right. I had to stuff a pillow under my belt, and I had to keep my face down because the moustache and beard fell whenever I raised my chin more than an inch from my chest. This gave my not-so-booming ho-ho-hos a menacing look. The kids hardly seemed to notice — but you know what? I didn’t really care about the other kids. I’d never met them before. I needed to maintain the illusion, lest I earn myself their parents’ ire forevermore, but I was mostly concerned with my own little girl. I handed out the other toys and then came to hers.

Surely, I thought, surely, she would recognize me. My eyes, my nose, my voice. She’s seen and heard them almost every day of her life.

Of course, I was completely mistaken. She stared at me with utter incomprehension. And she was perfectly happy with Peter Rabbit. I took pictures: a ghetto, back-bencher Santa with his chin in his chest, glaring up through his bushy white eyebrows — and then I got out of there as quickly as I could.

My own father played Santa at his company Christmas party every year. I remember, as a young boy (but too old for the Santa illusion anymore), going into the bathroom to help him change into the suit and laughing at one of his farting coworkers in the stall next door. Dad was a much better Santa than I am.

3. LITTLE MISS STALIN. For weeks now, my three-month-old has practically lived for “smile wars,” where we smile back and forth and see who gets sleepy or hungry or gassy first. One thing we often do in the midst of such wars is “super baby.” I lay down on the floor and sit her on my belly. She crouches down, and as I lift her she pushes off with her mighty tree-trunk legs and sets off into the air, “flying over the hills and the mountaintops.”

Yesterday, she laughed for the first time. Truly laughed. This was also the day that my parents’ beloved dog was put to sleep. Three months old, and she’s already rejoicing in the suffering of others.

4. HOKEY TEARY. Does anyone else get weepy when you sing children’s songs like “Old MacDonald,” “Say, Say Oh Playmate” or “Do Your Ears Hang Low?” Maybe the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about — but this is ridiculous. I don’t understand this at all, but I’m pretty sure it means I need therapy.

5. CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS – A PHOTO ESSAY.

Apparently a message *was* intended -- as she proceeded to hang the entire DVD course of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University on the tree. Clearly, she's concerned about her college fund.

Hidden amongst the Dave Ramsey DVDs, a magic wand. The message: It's going to take a miracle for you to afford my college tuition.

And my personal favorite: a napkin she had found on the floor. In other words: Someday I'm going to have to wipe the drool from your senile head. Are you *really* sure you want to skimp on that college fund?

The little elf herself, doing her best Japanese Anime pose. Her question: Of course, I wouldn't really abandon you to an old folks' home...Or would I?

For earlier installments in the Deep Thoughts on Fatherhood series, go here and here.

Deep Thoughts on Fatherhood

Previous Post

December 21, 2011

War Horse: A Modern Epic on the End of Modernity

Next Post

December 22, 2011 Bush Hatred Prevails Over Obama Love

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Abortion Abortion adoption Africa Aging AIDS America Worship American history Americolatry An Open Letter to a College Freshman animals Apologetics art Atheism Authors Barack Obama Bible Biblical Scholarship Billy Graham Blogging Bono Book Review Books That Change Lives Breakfast Links Bulletin Board Business Children Christian Approach to Politics Christian Media Christian Right Derangement Syndrome Christianity and Homosexuality Christians in Government Christmas Chuck Colson CLS v Martinez Comic Creation Creativity and the Arts Cross Examinations Cross Investigations Daily Fragment Daily Trinity Death debt Deep Thoughts on Fatherhood depression economy education Election 2012 entertainment Environment Epistemology Erik Campano Euthanasia Evangelicalism Evangelicals and Gays Everyday Transcendence evil evolution Facebook Jesus faith Faith and Politics Faith and Politics Faith and Politics Faith and Politics Faith and Politics Faith and Politics Faith and Politics faith and reason family Feminism foreign affairs Franklin Graham Future of Evangelicalism Galen D. gay marriage George W. Bush Guest Posts Guns Gymnastics Harold Camping Heaven Hell Holidays Hollywood Homosexuality iam2.org Illegal Immigration immigration Immigration Reform Injustice Inspiration Interviews Islam Jeremy Lin Jesus jesus christ John Mark Reynolds Johnnie Moore Judgment Day Just War Theory Killing Osama Link of the Day Lists of the Week Mark Goldblatt Marriage Military Missions Mitt Romney Modern Western Thought Monastic wisdom Mormonism Morning Hash Morning Report Motherhood Movies Obamacare Old Testament Orphan Care Palin Parenting Pastoral Resources Patheos Peace Between Religions PEPFAR Persecution Peter Wehner Peter Wehner Philosophy Political Quotes of the Day politics Politics and Economics Pornography Prejudice Prisoner Rape Question of the Week Race Radical Faith Rapture Ravi Zacharias Rick Santorum Russia Salvation Sarah Palin Scandals Science Science and Faith Separation of Church and State Series sex sex slavery social justice Social Justice Ministry Spiritual Disciplines sports Steven Tyler Suffering Suicide Sunday Funnies T. Dalrymple Tea Party Technology terrorism The Christian Media Files The Daily Trinity The Electorate The Ethics of Rhetoric The Future of Seminary Education The Middle East The Obama Presidency theological Theological Renewal Theology Uncategorized Understanding Evangelicalism Vocation war War and Peace With Distinction Word to the Wise Writers

Select a Month October 2015 June 2015 May 2015 March 2015 December 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz