Deep Thoughts on Fatherhood, Volume 1

Last updated on: November 21, 2011 at 5:58 pm by Timothy Dalrymple

Deep Thoughts on Fatherhood, Volume 1 2011-11-21T17:58:16-04:00 Timothy Dalrymple

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Alligators: They never leave my daughter alone.

1. SHE IS…SASHA FREUD. It was while explaining the lyrics to my three-year-old daughter that I realized the emotional and psychological dynamics of “If You Liked It, Then You Shoulda Put a Ring On It” (real title: “Single Ladies”) are surprisingly deep and nuanced. In addition to the gloss on her lips and the man on her hips, that Beyonce has profound insights into the mind of the taken-for-granted female.

2. BLASTING BEHIND. In recent weeks my wife and I have discovered that when our infant (2 months old) dirties her diaper, there’s roughly a 50% chance that the brown stuff will escape the diaper and climb up her back, down her legs, into every nook and crevice of her lower half, and all over her clothes. How it climbs up between her shoulder blades, even when she’s sitting upright, is a mystery.

Of course, I’m a philosopher and my desire is to understand the world in which we live. Struggling to explain this phenomenon, since we used a brand-name diaper that worked well for us with our first child, I came up with two options: (a) Dovetailing Devilry: the particular shape of this specific diaper is not suitable for the particular shape of our baby’s backside, or (2) the Potency Possibility: our daughter simply defecates with spectacular force.

There is at least a prima facie plausibility to both explanations. I’ve noticed that our baby’s backside looks surprisingly like the wrinkled bottom of a female octogenarian — or, rather, what I imagine such a bottom would look like, since I have not seen any myself. On the other hand, our daughters have always been powerful little girls, and they do everything they do with gusto. Combining Dovetailing Devilry with the Potency Possibility, is it possible that our baby simply has a bunker-busting granny fanny?

3. WORD TO THE WISE. If you’re ever driving your daughter to school in the morning, and Wendy Wright (past President of Concerned Women for America) is sitting in the passenger seat, do not play “Drop it Low” for your three-year-old little girl. This is not because Wendy Wright will disapprove — for such a famously Concerned woman, she was entirely unconcerned and mostly amused — but because your daughter will start chanting “Go daddy, go daddy” and expect you to bust a move. It was only once I began to show Wendy the dancing skills that I used to entertain my daughter in the car (which involves a lot of head-banging) that she began to look Concerned.

After “Drop it Low” and “Single Ladies” (my daughter’s two favorites right now), I played “Old MacDonald,” just so Wendy could see that my daughter enjoys three-year-old fare as well.

4. ON THE PERSISTENCE OF ALLIGATORS. Me: Where’d that scrape come from, sweetheart? My 3-year-old girl: I don’t know…I think an alligator bit me. Me: Again? That’s the third time you’ve been bitten by alligators this week. Her: Again. Me to myself: Geez, that girl’s gotta deal with a lot of alligators! A friend, when I related this story: Maybe you should consider moving out of the swamp.

5. GUNS AND YOUNG’UNS. Like all fathers of daughters, I look forward to terrorizing potential suitors. When I saw what a beautiful daughter I had on my hand, I began to consider the guns I should purchase. I figure a shotgun will do well for the first time I meet the young man at our house, and a pistol on the dashboard will be suitable for making him urinate himself in the backseat when I drive them to the movie theater for a chaperoned date.

Just kidding, of course. I will never allow my daughters to date.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

1. WHERE’S THE POINT? Is there such a thing as “low” dudgeon? If not, if there’s no point of reference, how do we determine when somfeone’s dudgeon is high? Moreover, if you can be “in” high dudgeon, how do you get out of it?

2. PASTORAL POSEURS. Pastors must get tired of photographers telling them to sit at their desks and pretend to read their Bibles.

CONCLUDING THOUGHT

UNINTENDED VULGARITY. If you have virgin ears, you might want to skip this one. Recently I returned from “work” and found my daughter watching the end of an episode of Dora the Explorer. There’s a character in “Dora” called Tico the Squirrel. I asked my daughter what had happened in the episode.

She looked at me with wide-eyed innocence and reported: “Tico tore his sack and his nuts fell out.”

I wrote that one down so I could tell the story at her wedding. Her arranged wedding.

Deep Thoughts on Fatherhood

Previous Post

November 21, 2011

Those Hyper-Politicized Evangelicals!

Next Post

November 29, 2011 Is the "Good War" Against Abortion, and the "Bad War" Against Gay Marriage?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Abortion Abortion adoption Africa Aging AIDS America Worship American history Americolatry An Open Letter to a College Freshman animals Apologetics art Atheism Authors Barack Obama Bible Biblical Scholarship Billy Graham Blogging Bono Book Review Books That Change Lives Breakfast Links Bulletin Board Business Children Christian Approach to Politics Christian Media Christian Right Derangement Syndrome Christianity and Homosexuality Christians in Government Christmas Chuck Colson CLS v Martinez Comic Creation Creativity and the Arts Cross Examinations Cross Investigations Daily Fragment Daily Trinity Death debt Deep Thoughts on Fatherhood depression economy education Election 2012 entertainment Environment Epistemology Erik Campano Euthanasia Evangelicalism Evangelicals and Gays Everyday Transcendence evil evolution Facebook Jesus faith Faith and Politics Faith and Politics Faith and Politics Faith and Politics Faith and Politics Faith and Politics Faith and Politics faith and reason family Feminism foreign affairs Franklin Graham Future of Evangelicalism Galen D. gay marriage George W. Bush Guest Posts Guns Gymnastics Harold Camping Heaven Hell Holidays Hollywood Homosexuality iam2.org Illegal Immigration immigration Immigration Reform Injustice Inspiration Interviews Islam Jeremy Lin Jesus jesus christ John Mark Reynolds Johnnie Moore Judgment Day Just War Theory Killing Osama Link of the Day Lists of the Week Mark Goldblatt Marriage Military Missions Mitt Romney Modern Western Thought Monastic wisdom Mormonism Morning Hash Morning Report Motherhood Movies Obamacare Old Testament Orphan Care Palin Parenting Pastoral Resources Patheos Peace Between Religions PEPFAR Persecution Peter Wehner Peter Wehner Philosophy Political Quotes of the Day politics Politics and Economics Pornography Prejudice Prisoner Rape Question of the Week Race Radical Faith Rapture Ravi Zacharias Rick Santorum Russia Salvation Sarah Palin Scandals Science Science and Faith Separation of Church and State Series sex sex slavery social justice Social Justice Ministry Spiritual Disciplines sports Steven Tyler Suffering Suicide Sunday Funnies T. Dalrymple Tea Party Technology terrorism The Christian Media Files The Daily Trinity The Electorate The Ethics of Rhetoric The Future of Seminary Education The Middle East The Obama Presidency theological Theological Renewal Theology Uncategorized Understanding Evangelicalism Vocation war War and Peace With Distinction Word to the Wise Writers

Select a Month October 2015 June 2015 May 2015 March 2015 December 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz