I’m OK with being ‘only a sister’

Last updated on: October 23, 2015 at 4:41 pm by Stephanie

I’m OK with being ‘only a sister’ 2015-10-23T16:41:52+00:00 Stephanie

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

“Lockenfrisur1947” by Foto: H.U. von Aster Nutzungsberechtigte:Irene Baazaoui-von Aster – Monika Schlecht via Wikimedia Commons

It didn’t hit me at first. I sat there during the Saturday Afternoon session of the most recent General Conference and listened to Jeffrey R. Holland’s praisefest of mothers, not thrilled at the exclusivity he was showing but digesting it nonetheless. It wouldn’t be until later that evening that the meltdown would come and I would wonder how to pull myself back together.

Before going to bed, I had the realization that when I joined the LDS Church 15 years ago this month, *I* had broken *my* mother’s heart, like how Elder Holland’s friend had broken his mother’s heart by leaving the Church, and that I’d never be able to make this up to her. The realization that I, as a single sister not getting any younger or any closer to being anything other than 30-something and alone, was not living up to what I would call ‘the purpose of the Church’, as defined by President Packer and as quoted in a subsequent talk on Sunday, “The ultimate end of all activity in the Church is that a man and his wife and their children might be happy at home, protected by the principles and laws of the gospel, sealed safely in the covenants of the everlasting priesthood.” (“The Power of the Priesthood,” April 2010 General Conference). I had greatly appreciated Elder Oaks’s defining of singleness as an affliction in his talk later in the Saturday Afternoon session, but as I sobbed in my bedroom that night, I realized the limited efficacy of this statement–the fact that naming a thing does not change its nature–and its ability to be combined with Elder Holland’s talk, at least in my mind, to give me such a feeling of failure and utter hopelessness as to render me unable to control my emotions enough to stop crying before I fell asleep.

I woke up Sunday morning, shell-shocked and fearful of watching any more Conference sessions. I really didn’t want to risk something else being said to touch off another episode like what I’d had the night before. At the same time, though, I wanted to hear the new Apostles speak, so I decided to risk it and watch. My recollection of Saturday night brought the sobs on again, though, and I had no idea how I was going to get them to stop. Then Russell M. Nelson stepped to the podium and everything in me changed.

Peace. Calm. The tears stopped and the validation came. I don’t think this was coincidental at all. Speaking to the women of the Church, regardless of their marital status, and being clear that all have traits needed to move things forward, was Balm in Gilead to me, and has led me to believe that this is the way women-focused talks need to be given from now on–not that they ever needed to be otherwise, of course, but I guess I just feel it more acutely now after the drama I endured when a certain group was singled out for considerable praise previously. Mothers are great and highly honored within the Church. We know that. But how many times have talks been given praising single sisters, widows, and divorcees only–focusing on their unique circumstances, their unique strengths, their unique roles? Love you dearly Elder Holland, but if you are going to praise one, you need to praise the rest.

Ideally, I would have the sisters of the Church be spoken to and spoken of together, as one group, irrespective of other identifying characteristics (marital status, childbearing status, etc.). I am just fine with being known as just a ‘sister,’ not a ‘single sister’ or any other categorization more specific than gender. I already know that I am that, just as much as a wife or mom knows she is those things. All of us have the same inheritance of qualities from Mother Eve, which President Nelson spoke to in his talk, so why not focus on what brings us together and brings us ALL joy and not on distinctions that make those who do not have a given title potentially feel less than those who do? It kind of reminds me of that Bruce R. McConkie talk, “Only an Elder”, where he disabuses us of the idea that such a title is somehow inferior and not worth mentioning. Maybe a talk can be given next Conference or sometime soon, “Only a Sister”? It needs to be understood that being identified as such is enough.

In the first place, women judge each other harshly enough as it is, and LDS culture treats those who are not married or do not have children with enough unkindness. We don’t need more General Conference talks to make those of us not in the praised group feel worse than we already do. We DO need more talks (and not a General Women’s Meeting talk, but one for the entirety of the Church) in which all women are shown that they are enough…that they are equal in status before God and the B/brethren…that they are whole from the beginning. We need more President Nelson-type messages, if for no other reason than the fact that there are more and more women in the Church living outside the ideal situation.

Another realization that needs to be had is that talks that focus on mothers don’t just hurt single women. They hurt childless married women too. Any woman who is in circumstances that do not allow her to be a mother is made to ache on some level when those who have achieved the coveted status are so recognized as they were by Elder Holland this last time. I know he was not being purposefully insensitive, but that doesn’t change the fact that a lot of sisters who have learned to expect bread from his talks were shocked to be given a stone this time. At the same time, though, I can honestly say that I saw the hand of God at work in this situation, though, because the pain I (and probably quite a few other women) felt from that talk was ameliorated the next morning by President Nelson’s. We were not without recompense, and I am so grateful that was the case.

I did not think the end of the line I started drawing that Saturday night was going to end up in a good place, but he made sure that it did, thank God. It shouldn’t have come to this, though. It shouldn’t have taken a huge tender mercy of a talk to turn off my waterworks. They shouldn’t have started in the first place. Women in all life situations deserve praise. Church members in all life situations who remain true to the faith in spite of daunting obstacles and crushing loss or lack deserve praise. Please, Brethren, understand this enough to act. Please, speak to the sisters as just that — sisters. I promise you it is enough.

Mormonism, politics, Romney

Previous Post

October 22, 2015

Did Back to the Future Really Predict 9/11?

Next Post

October 26, 2015 Should We Really Worry About Ben Carson's Religion?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category American society Art baptism Blogging Book of Mormon Book review Brigham Young Brigham Young University Bundy Catholicism Christianity Communalism Community of Christ conferences conversion correlation Culture denominations Digital History Discipline Councils diversity Doctrine Donald Trump education Emma Smith ethics family feminism fiction Film review food French Polynesia Fundamentalism Gay rights Gender global Gun politics Halloween health History Honor Code hymns Joseph Smith Kirtland Temple law of consecration massacre site military Ministering missionary moderate Mormon feminism Modern Mormonism Mormon origins Mormon War Mormonism Mormonism, politics, Romney Obama Peace politics Polygamy Pope Francis Poverty Prayer Priesthood Protestantism Race Religious freedom Revelation Reviews sacred sites Scientology Scripture Secularization See Stones sexual assault Star Wars television temples Tithing Utah violence war women's ordination

Select a Month October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 October 2017 September 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 November 2016 October 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

How many chapters are in the book of Genesis?

Select your answer to see how you score.

45 50 66 40