Glory Be to Candor

Last updated on: October 30, 2015 at 4:26 pm by Stephanie

Glory Be to Candor 2015-10-30T16:26:14+00:00 Stephanie

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

October 24, 2009. I had to check my journal-blog to make sure, but that was the day when a bishop I already loved taught me a lesson I will never forget.

I was in a YSA ward at the time, and we as a ward were going to take a year and visit all the temples in Utah at the time — 13 of them (there are 15 now, as Brigham City and Payson hadn’t been built yet). The temple of the month for October was Logan, and myself and a few other ward members were on the way back down to Salt Lake after attending an early session with the bishop because he had a BYU football game to attend later that day. We were talking about presidents of the Church, and he told me/us a story about when he lived back east in high school and his team won their region for high school Church ball and came to Salt Lake for the all-Church tournament. His Priests Quorum adviser at the time was Andrew Kimball, then-Elder Spencer W. Kimball’s son. So, while the team was in town, Brother Kimball arranged for them to meet Elder and Sister Kimball at their home. I asked the bishop what he thought of the experience, and he looked over at me and said, “I didn’t go in the right spirit, so it wasn’t as good an experience for me as it could have been.” It may not sound like much for the telling, but that reply set me on a course I’ve been on ever since — advocating for more candor and less glossing-over, sugar-coating, and plasticness among Church members.

It would have been very easy for him to say something like, “Oh, it was wonderful.” I wouldn’t have known the difference, but he would have, and because he was and is the type not to worry about telling unflattering stories about himself if there is a lesson to be learned from them, and because he is admirably comfortable in his own skin, he chose to tell the truth.

Considering the effect this choice of his had on me and my priorities, I must ask why this is such a hard attitude for us to have. Why do appearances matter so much? What is wrong with telling someone “I’ve had to fight like hell to make it to this point” or “I really messed up badly in that situation, but here’s how I was able to move forward and improve”? More often than we might think, there is no need to sanitize or gloss over, because some of the greatest teaching we will do to each other will come in moments when we choose the unpleasant details…the *whole* truth…instead of only telling the pleasant result of the unpleasant facts’ effects.

This same bishop, in another memorable instance of true candor–this time over the pulpit–told of living on opposite ends of the house from his wife for two whole years of their marriage, during which time he–get this–was called to be their ward’s bishop. That calling, by his own admission, saved his marriage because it forced he and his wife to decide whether they wanted to save their marriage or not. You could have heard a pin drop in that chapel that morning. Everyone was gobsmacked, including his counselors, but man, what a lesson he taught us all that day! I am not expecting this level of honesty out of anyone else I come across — he is most likely an outlier in his willingness to be full-disclosure, but you can see where experiences like this would lead a person to see the value in not being afraid to tell it straight, unvarnished, unadorned at least a little bit more than is their current practice. So many people gained so much respect for him that day, and so much of a feeling that the Lord is in the details and that healing can come such that it’s hard to imagine a person/couple/family/whoever ever having been otherwise, as was the case here, that I am persuaded it is worth the risk when the Spirit says “tell them.”

Why do we avoid grittiness? Part of this tendency to avoid the hard parts can be found, in my mind, in the oversweetened, oversimplified corners of the bloggernacle. I’m not going to name names here…you can probably think of at least a few examples on your own. Too often, some of the most popular authors seem to exhibit a distressing (to me, at least) fear of going into detail about the bad times, apparently thinking that it might detract from the overall positive and uplifting spirit the writer wants to impart to the reader. What if, though, some credibility could be lent to the idea that discussing the whole process and not just the happy ending is even more edifying than just skipping over what it took to get there? (One notably popular example of this courage is Stephanie Nielson.) I understand keeping your eyes on the prize, and that is no doubt hugely important in working through trials, but can we not be honest about what was/is/will be on the trail between here and there? When you are in the middle of a battle, having someone to pat you on the head and say something like “It’ll all be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end” just does not do it for me, and I am pretty sure I’m not the only one. Don’t just SAY you’ve been there–SHOW you’ve been there.

Maybe it is the culture of social media bleeding into other aspects of our lives. A popular meme I’ve seen lately talks about how a person should go for Halloween as the person they purport to be on Facebook. We see the pretty parts of each other’s lives on FB and the other outlets, and maybe that makes us think in those terms generally. “Nobody will ‘like’ me if I don’t carefully curate the impression I give them of me.” Well, if you want fake friends, then yes, that’s true. Social media allows us to keep others at arm’s length, and because we like the feeling of being the decider of what everyone sees about us, we choose to take this approach away from Elder Teixeira’s four-inch screen and apply it to our three-dimensional life. This must not stand. For the health of our real-world relationships, and our own mental health individually, we *must* let people in. We must let others see good and bad. We must not feel compelled to put up the strong front 24/7. Everyone? No. Every detail? No. But at least the majority of the appropriate ones, depending on the circumstances.

While we’re on the topic of social media, I also wanted to call out the overabundance of FB memes that seem to promise those who are struggling (all of us) some glorious ending to their troubles (God, I feel like Andy Rooney kvetching like this, but anyway). I saw one earlier this week that said something like “If you could see the size of the blessing coming, you’d understand the depth of the trial you’re enduring.” Oh? You know that for sure, do you? I’m not saying hope is not worth having, but it’s also dangerous to get one’s hopes up that high. Desperate people are going to latch on to anything they can, including some dumb message on Facebook. Can’t we just support people through things and not quasi-promise them some huge, satisfying resolution of the difficulty? This, to me, is another example of candor lacking in our lives. Don’t tell people it’s going to work out, because sometimes it doesn’t. Tell them you will be their friend and supporter, come what may. That, to me, has more of a ring of truth and validity than any promise you can make of a glorious finish to a tormenting process.

God does not give us experiences for us to never speak of them again. To a degree, I see this as an example of ‘let[ting] [our] light so shine’ (Matthew 5:16), as the light couldn’t shine like it does without a lot of effort and perseverance on our part. Show some scars. Be your real, authentic self. Overcome the fear and reticence you might have previously felt, and know that the Lord is pleased when we turn our own dark times to bless others’ lives.

P.S. If you want to read a good example of such candor, check out Elder Oaks’s story here. Amazing, no? If he can tell the whole Church such a harrowing story, we can certainly tell our own to friends, family, blog readers, and those to whom we teach and testify at church.

Mormonism, politics, Romney

Previous Post

October 29, 2015

Is Brigham Young's Hearse Residing in Disneyland?

Next Post

November 6, 2015 How I choose to see the revisions

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category American society Art baptism Blogging Book of Mormon Book review Brigham Young Brigham Young University Bundy Catholicism Christianity Communalism Community of Christ conferences conversion correlation Culture denominations Digital History Discipline Councils diversity Doctrine Donald Trump education Emma Smith ethics family feminism fiction Film review food French Polynesia Fundamentalism Gay rights Gender global Gun politics Halloween health History Honor Code hymns Joseph Smith Kirtland Temple law of consecration massacre site military Ministering missionary moderate Mormon feminism Modern Mormonism Mormon origins Mormon War Mormonism Mormonism, politics, Romney Obama Peace politics Polygamy Pope Francis Poverty Prayer Priesthood Protestantism Race Religious freedom Revelation Reviews sacred sites Scientology Scripture Secularization See Stones sexual assault Star Wars television temples Tithing Utah violence war women's ordination

Select a Month October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 October 2017 September 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 November 2016 October 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What did God use to speak to Moses in the wilderness?

Select your answer to see how you score.

A pillar of fire A thunderstorm A mighty wind A burning bush