{"id":519,"date":"2024-07-06T13:37:32","date_gmt":"2024-07-06T20:37:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/?p=519"},"modified":"2024-07-06T13:37:32","modified_gmt":"2024-07-06T20:37:32","slug":"power-struggles","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/","title":{"rendered":"Power Struggles: Should I Respond with Play Or Punishment?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Power struggles can be triggering for parents. | Photo by Kindel Media on Pexels.com.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>

If you are a parent you are most likely familiar with power struggles. Whether it is a two-year-old refusing to get buckled in their car seat or a twelve-year-old refusing to take a shower, children find ways to assert control over their lives.<\/span><\/p>\n

Should you respond with play or punishment?<\/span><\/p>\n

(This may contain some affiliate links, which means I receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you, if you make a purchase using these links<\/span><\/i>. <\/span>For more information, please see my<\/span><\/i> disclosure policy<\/span><\/i><\/a>.)<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

What is a power struggle?<\/span><\/h2>\n How do you know you are in a power struggle with your child? According to the website <\/span>PsychCentral.com<\/span><\/a>, \u201cA power struggle refers to an evident or subtle competition in a relationship for control and influence.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Power struggles happen in all types of relationships. But, it takes two for a power struggle to happen. So, we have to start by owning our part of the problem.<\/span><\/p>\n Typical Parenting Respond to Power Struggles<\/span><\/h2>\n*** ** ***Power struggles can trigger us as parents. We feel disrespected and we can also then catastrophize the outcome. We may think, \u201cif we don\u2019t teach our child now how to obey us as an authority, they will never obey God\u2019s authority.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n In their book, <\/span>Discipline that Connects with Your Child\u2019s Heart<\/span><\/a>, Jim and Lynne Jackson write, \u201cParents typically take a strong stand when dealing with defiance. They also tend to feel justified in their own anger and actions in the name of \u2018setting kids straight.\u2019 Given these dynamics, the question is, what are the children learning?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n If we continue in the power struggle with threats, raised voices, or punishments, children may be learning that that is how a Christian asserts their authority and treats others. If we have to have the last word, our kids are learning that having the last word is important. Our actions are teaching more than our words sometimes.<\/span><\/p>\n Punishing doesn\u2019t typically change our kids\u2019 hearts. It might change behavior because of fear or pain avoidance, but that isn\u2019t the kind of parent I want to be.<\/span><\/p>\n Play in Power Struggles<\/span><\/h2>\n \u201cEffective discipline rarely happens in the heat of the moment.\u201d <\/span>Lawrence Cohen<\/span><\/a>,<\/span> Playful Parenting<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n When we step out of the power struggle and engage our child with play, we communicate:<\/span><\/p>\n \nI am for you.<\/span><\/li>\nI like you.<\/span><\/li>\nYou are loved no matter what.<\/span><\/li>\nConnection is important to me.<\/span><\/li>\nI hear you.<\/span><\/li>\nI see you.<\/span><\/li>\nYou are safe with me.<\/span><\/li>\n Your behavior doesn\u2019t impact my love for you.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n*** ** Now, I am not implying every discipline issue is solved with play, but it is much more effective than duking it out in a power struggle with your child.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n ** ***Even a playful tone can move you in the right direction faster and more effectively than a harsh tone.<\/span><\/p>\n Check out last week\u2019s <\/span>post<\/span><\/a> for an example of how this might look.<\/span><\/p>\n Connect Before Correct<\/span><\/h2>\n In <\/span>Discipline that Connects<\/span><\/a>, the Jacksons also say, \u201cfor kids to overcome defiant attitudes, they need to feel <\/span>safe<\/span><\/i>, feel <\/span>understood<\/span><\/i>, and be given <\/span>healthy power<\/span><\/i>\u2014power that functions within the guidance of an authority, with a goal of growing wise independence.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Our kids today have little control over their lives. We tell them where to be, their schedule, how to behave, what to eat, and sometimes even when to go to the bathroom. That can cause kids to fight for control when it doesn\u2019t seem to make sense to us.<\/span><\/p>\n For kids to cooperate with us, first they need <\/span>to feel safe<\/span><\/a>. Going toe-to-toe with an angry parent probably doesn\u2019t feel too safe. That is why we need to connect first.<\/span><\/p>\n Play is an ideal way to connect. It diffuses power struggles in two ways: 1) You need two people to participate in a power struggle or there is no struggle. 2) It shows your child that they are more important than their behavior and lets your child feel like you see them, not just their behavior.<\/span><\/p>\n Will You Play?<\/span><\/h2>\n***** ** In Playful Parenting, Lawrence Cohen writes that \u201cbeing playful is not about rewards or punishments, it is about restoring the missing ingredient\u2014connection\u2014that caused the problems in the first place.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n ** This reminds me of the incarnation. God is confident in his authority and doesn\u2019t need to prove he can win a power struggle. Instead, Jesus gave up his position to meet us where we were at. That is what play does for us as parents, too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" ** *****If you are a parent you are most likely familiar with power struggles. Whether it is a two-year-old refusing to get buckled in their car seat or a twelve-year-old refusing to take a shower, children find ways to assert control over their lives. Should you respond with play or punishment? (This may contain some affiliate […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5327,"featured_media":522,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[20,29,5],"tags":[111,44,92],"class_list":["post-519","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-christian-discipline","category-discipling-kids","category-enjoy-parenting","tag-discipline","tag-parenting","tag-play"],"yoast_head":"\nPower Struggles: Should I Respond with Play Or Punishment?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"It is natural to want to put your foot down and show your child who is boss, but what is the best way to respond to a power struggle?\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Power Struggles: Should I Respond with Play Or Punishment?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"It is natural to want to put your foot down and show your child who is boss, but what is the best way to respond to a power struggle?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Parenting With Joy\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2024-07-06T20:37:32+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/2051\/2024\/07\/patheos-featured-images-19.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"780\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"585\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Joy Wendling, MA\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Joy Wendling, MA\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/\",\"name\":\"Power Struggles: Should I Respond with Play Or Punishment?\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2024-07-06T20:37:32+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2024-07-06T20:37:32+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/#\/schema\/person\/466b5e5dd1dbc3a40dae456215757914\"},\"description\":\"It is natural to want to put your foot down and show your child who is boss, but what is the best way to respond to a power struggle?\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Power Struggles: Should I Respond with Play Or Punishment?\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/\",\"name\":\"Parenting With Joy\",\"description\":\"Parenting with Joy equips and encourages Christian parents to disciple and discipline their children in a way that reflects who God is and the joy he offers, while embracing play and other developmentally appropriate practices for children.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/#\/schema\/person\/466b5e5dd1dbc3a40dae456215757914\",\"name\":\"Joy Wendling, MA\",\"description\":\"Joy Wendling is a writer, speaker, podcaster, family pastor, certified parent coach, and founder of Created to Play. She has over 20 years of experience in children, youth, and family ministry, as well as a Master\u2019s in Youth, Family, and Culture from Fuller Theological Seminary.\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/author\/jwendling\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Power Struggles: Should I Respond with Play Or Punishment?","description":"It is natural to want to put your foot down and show your child who is boss, but what is the best way to respond to a power struggle?","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Power Struggles: Should I Respond with Play Or Punishment?","og_description":"It is natural to want to put your foot down and show your child who is boss, but what is the best way to respond to a power struggle?","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/","og_site_name":"Parenting With Joy","article_published_time":"2024-07-06T20:37:32+00:00","og_image":[{"width":780,"height":585,"url":"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/2051\/2024\/07\/patheos-featured-images-19.png","type":"image\/png"}],"author":"Joy Wendling, MA","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Joy Wendling, MA","Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/","name":"Power Struggles: Should I Respond with Play Or Punishment?","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/#website"},"datePublished":"2024-07-06T20:37:32+00:00","dateModified":"2024-07-06T20:37:32+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/#\/schema\/person\/466b5e5dd1dbc3a40dae456215757914"},"description":"It is natural to want to put your foot down and show your child who is boss, but what is the best way to respond to a power struggle?","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/2024\/07\/power-struggles\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Power Struggles: Should I Respond with Play Or Punishment?"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/","name":"Parenting With Joy","description":"Parenting with Joy equips and encourages Christian parents to disciple and discipline their children in a way that reflects who God is and the joy he offers, while embracing play and other developmentally appropriate practices for children.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/#\/schema\/person\/466b5e5dd1dbc3a40dae456215757914","name":"Joy Wendling, MA","description":"Joy Wendling is a writer, speaker, podcaster, family pastor, certified parent coach, and founder of Created to Play. She has over 20 years of experience in children, youth, and family ministry, as well as a Master\u2019s in Youth, Family, and Culture from Fuller Theological Seminary.","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/author\/jwendling\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/519","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5327"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=519"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/519\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/522"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=519"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=519"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/parentingwithjoy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=519"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}