{"id":684,"date":"2023-02-15T08:25:15","date_gmt":"2023-02-15T08:25:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/?p=684"},"modified":"2023-02-15T08:25:15","modified_gmt":"2023-02-15T08:25:15","slug":"how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Handle our Internal Cookie Monster"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

""<\/p>\n

(or, does gentleness lead to indulgence?)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Last night I had a big pasta dinner followed by one of my home-made brownies. After another hour or so I wanted chocolate chip cookies, and so I ate one \u2013 and then another. It had been a long and difficult day, and I was being \u2018gentle with myself\u2019. It led me to wonder, if I was even more gentle with myself, would I eat another two cookies? And then two more? Is being gentle with ourselves a slippery slope that hurtles us into over-indulgence?<\/p>\n

There are certainly parts of me that hold this belief. These are the parts that manage my system for me, like good little real life managers. These managers keep a close (and disapproving) eye on the parts of me that use sugar to soothe and distract me. They are all too aware of the health disadvantages of over-eating, and of the strong cultural norms about having a smaller body. They are afraid that if I surrender to these parts that want me to eat cookies, I will eat and eat and end up much bigger and less attractive and at a higher risk of diabetes or heart disease.<\/p>\n

Of course, they have a point about endless cookie eating. And yet. My experience is that when I \u2018double down\u2019 on my cookie-eating part (let\u2019s call him cookie monster for convenience\u2019s sake) the cookie monster goes crazy. He finds sneaky ways of getting the cookies anyway \u2013 some convoluted reasoning that makes sense at the time, or by giving me a really strong feeling of \u2018f** it\u2019. Not only does he get the cookies but, because he\u2019s mad at being told what to do, or because he\u2019s panicking that it may be the last time he gets to eat them, he eats half a packet. And then that bit of ice-cream that\u2019s left in the freezer. And then just a single posh chocolate to round things off.<\/p>\n*

Managers vs. Distractors<\/strong><\/h3>\n These battles between our \u2018managing\u2019 parts and our \u2018distracting\/soothing\u2019 parts are familiar to most of us \u2013 sobriety vs. too much alcohol, overwork vs. a day binge-watching Netflix. It was a relief to learn that according to the Internal Family Systems model, a relatively new theory of mind, my system was working exactly as it should be.<\/p>\n Our managing parts get us out of bed and help us to do stuff, plan for the future, keep us socially respectable, and distract us from our suffering. Our distractors stop us from becoming work-robots, help us to have fun, and also distract us from our suffering. These two groups are in a constant back-and-forth negotiation. Mostly we don\u2019t notice them as they grumble away in the background.<\/p>\n Things only go wrong when they both get really loud \u2013 when our urge to drink overwhelms the manager\u2019s warnings about needing to drive and pick our children up later, or when our manager\u2019s workaholism pushes us towards a heart attack. This happens when our suffering, those vulnerable parts of us that hold pain from the past and that get prodded by events in our life, also get louder \u2013 the managers and distractors have to go to extreme lengths to drown them out and to stop them from bursting out all over the place. When we don\u2019t tend to the pain it gets even louder and the manager and distractor tactics get even more desperate (a violent outburst, deep depression, a panic attack, the sudden inability to get up and go to work).<\/p>\n What to do when things get difficult<\/strong><\/h3>\n So what can we do when our managers or distractors are starting to yell? First of all, we notice that they are shouting \u2013 with gentle kindness. \u2018Oh, I\u2019ve really been self-critical this week. I wonder why that\u2019s been around?\u2019 \u2018Oh, I\u2019ve been numbing out on Youtube videos all day. I wonder what might be underneath?\u2019 Another way of saying this is we become mindful of what\u2019s happening inside us.<\/p>\n If you are feeling curious or compassionate towards these shouty parts of you as you notice them, then great \u2013 be curious. If you are feeling upset towards them, or scared by them, or anything else, then pause and acknowledge these feelings before you proceed. Gentle curiosity is always the key. As we get to know them and understand their motives, everyone will start to relax.<\/p>\n When our cookie monster parts are just speaking in a loud voice or even making a polite request we can acknowledge them in the same way, with gentleness and kindness. This doesn\u2019t mean doing what they tell us to \u2013 sometimes it will be better to do this, and sometimes not. It does mean that we are acknowledging that they have a good reason for their request, and that just sending in our managers to sort them out isn\u2019t always a good idea. Sometimes we just accept that we eat so many cookies that we feel sick, and that it\u2019s not the end of the world. Sometimes we just accept that send our managers in hard will lead to a \u2018backlash\u2019, and that\u2019s not the end of the world either. See if you can take a third position \u2013 not either side, but being able to see the merits of both side\u2019s arguments and empathising with them both. The Buddha knew about the wisdom of the middle way.<\/p>\n Over time, I have built up better relationships with both my cookie monster parts and my strict managers. I know that they are both necessary for the smooth working of my \u2018ecosystem\u2019, and I let them know that I appreciate them. In my experience, although it takes a little trust to get there, gentleness leads to less indulgence than before.<\/p>\n Go gently _\/|\\_<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (or, does gentleness lead to indulgence?) Last night I had a big pasta dinner followed by one of my home-made brownies. After another hour or so I wanted chocolate chip cookies, and so I ate one \u2013 and then another. It had been a long and difficult day, and I was being \u2018gentle with myself\u2019. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3033,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[84,138,168,69],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-684","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dilemmas","category-gentleness","category-indulgence","category-internal-family-systems"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Handle our Internal Cookie Monster - Gentle Buddhism<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"(or, does gentleness lead to indulgence?) Last night I had a big pasta dinner followed by one of my home-made brownies. After another hour or so I wanted\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Handle our Internal Cookie Monster - Gentle Buddhism\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"(or, does gentleness lead to indulgence?) Last night I had a big pasta dinner followed by one of my home-made brownies. After another hour or so I wanted\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Gentle Buddhism\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/SatyaRobyn\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2023-02-15T08:25:15+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/796\/2023\/02\/cookies-300x200.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Satya Robyn\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@satyarobyn\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Satya Robyn\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/\",\"name\":\"How to Handle our Internal Cookie Monster - Gentle Buddhism\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2023-02-15T08:25:15+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-02-15T08:25:15+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/#\/schema\/person\/1734c628dea363dbfe72b792da79ece1\"},\"description\":\"(or, does gentleness lead to indulgence?) Last night I had a big pasta dinner followed by one of my home-made brownies. After another hour or so I wanted\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"How to Handle our Internal Cookie Monster\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/\",\"name\":\"Gentle Buddhism\",\"description\":\"...one breath at a time\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/#\/schema\/person\/1734c628dea363dbfe72b792da79ece1\",\"name\":\"Satya Robyn\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/f36b14ea7763587fd8ed529146065d29?s=96&d=identicon&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/f36b14ea7763587fd8ed529146065d29?s=96&d=identicon&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Satya Robyn\"},\"description\":\"Pureland Buddhist priest running Amida Mandala temple in Malvern. Psychotherapist, novelist, Patheos blogger, foolish being. Enjoys growing veg & vegan cake.\",\"sameAs\":[\"http:\/\/www.satyarobyn.com\",\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/SatyaRobyn\/\",\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/satyarobyn\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/author\/srobyn\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"How to Handle our Internal Cookie Monster - Gentle Buddhism","description":"(or, does gentleness lead to indulgence?) Last night I had a big pasta dinner followed by one of my home-made brownies. After another hour or so I wanted","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"How to Handle our Internal Cookie Monster - Gentle Buddhism","og_description":"(or, does gentleness lead to indulgence?) Last night I had a big pasta dinner followed by one of my home-made brownies. After another hour or so I wanted","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/","og_site_name":"Gentle Buddhism","article_author":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/SatyaRobyn\/","article_published_time":"2023-02-15T08:25:15+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/796\/2023\/02\/cookies-300x200.jpg"}],"author":"Satya Robyn","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@satyarobyn","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Satya Robyn","Est. reading time":"5 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/","name":"How to Handle our Internal Cookie Monster - Gentle Buddhism","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/#website"},"datePublished":"2023-02-15T08:25:15+00:00","dateModified":"2023-02-15T08:25:15+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/#\/schema\/person\/1734c628dea363dbfe72b792da79ece1"},"description":"(or, does gentleness lead to indulgence?) Last night I had a big pasta dinner followed by one of my home-made brownies. After another hour or so I wanted","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/2023\/02\/how-to-handle-our-internal-cookie-monster\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"How to Handle our Internal Cookie Monster"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/","name":"Gentle Buddhism","description":"...one breath at a time","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/#\/schema\/person\/1734c628dea363dbfe72b792da79ece1","name":"Satya Robyn","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/f36b14ea7763587fd8ed529146065d29?s=96&d=identicon&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/f36b14ea7763587fd8ed529146065d29?s=96&d=identicon&r=g","caption":"Satya Robyn"},"description":"Pureland Buddhist priest running Amida Mandala temple in Malvern. Psychotherapist, novelist, Patheos blogger, foolish being. Enjoys growing veg & vegan cake.","sameAs":["http:\/\/www.satyarobyn.com","https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/SatyaRobyn\/","https:\/\/twitter.com\/satyarobyn"],"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/author\/srobyn\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/684","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3033"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=684"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/684\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=684"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=684"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/notesfromthetemple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=684"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}