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Chapter 8, Elena: Angry Again

Chapter 8, Elena: Angry Again

Last updated on: October 6, 2026 at 12:01 am by Dorian Scott Cole

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Chapter 8, Elena: Angry Again 2026-10-04T10:21:42-06:00 Dorian Scott Cole

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Open and Relational Theology & Social Psychology

About this series: This series is intended to help individuals who have hit an obstacle in their spiritual journey and feel that a shift in their spiritual life is necessary. It is intentionally inclusive and applicable across all faiths, personal beliefs, spirituality, or non-religious perspectives.

This resource is not diagnostic, prescriptive, directive, or therapeutic. Rather, you may find concepts that resonate with you, meditations that prove helpful, and insights to spark your spiritual growth. You are encouraged to approach this material prayerfully.

If you find yourself unable to resolve your challenges or move forward, professional counseling is strongly recommended. Catholics may want to speak with their priest or spiritual director. Others may want to see their pastor or religious leader. Those of all faiths may benefit from a counselor in psychology, or may find help moving forward with a life coach.

Spiritual growth deeply intersects with personal and social psychology. The author, Dorian, is a former pastor with university training across multiple disciplines.

If you are new to this spiritual counseling series, you can begin your journey with Chapter 1: Help, I’m Spiritually Burned Out. Or if you are new to spiritual things and agnostic to religion, follow Elena’s journey in Chapter 2: The Quest for “Does God Talk?”

Additional information on spiritual counseling may be found at Dorian’s Website: Spiritual Counseling.

If you are new to this spiritual counseling series, you can begin the quest with Chapter 1: Help, I’m burned out.

Counseling Office. Gemini Generated Image

▶ A Personal Note on Burnout and Change

I’ve experienced burnout twice. My mental and physical constitutions are very robust; I adapt easily and can carry huge stress for very long periods with a tremendous perspective that aids me. But I’m not indestructible. The absence of meaningful and purposeful things in our lives is something that, at some point, has to be resolved. The compounding of physical, financial, and seemingly unresolvable problems can become so destructive that radical change becomes necessary. Over time, I’ve learned to recognize and resolve these inner warnings before they become destructive and force a radical break.

Regarding change, most people hate it. It’s usually the last option. But ignoring the need for change simply increases your suffering until you are forced to bite the bullet and do it. Knowing that, my goal with this series on spiritual counseling is to help people recognize what is happening inside themselves early on, and how to gracefully handle it to bring about a beautiful, life-giving result.

A Note on Resilience and Limitations

I just had back surgery. What a wonderful relief from constant pain and rapidly increasing limitations. I can sleep peacefully again and even cross my legs! LOL. I accept that I can no longer do the heavy-lifting tasks that used to be easy for me. Adaptability and resilience are built by understanding and accepting our needs. During this long period of increasing limitations, I explored many new areas of interest and ways of giving that keep me living a deeply meaningful life. I hope I can help you do the same through these writings.

The 60-Second Read
Chapter 8: Angry Again

Boundaries as Kindness: We often mistake being “nice” for being a doormat. Walking away from manipulation isn’t a failure of kindness; it establishes a boundary of respect, which is a prerequisite for any real love.
The Value of Anger: Anger isn’t inherently evil. It is an emotional flare that tells us a boundary is being threatened. The goal isn’t to stop getting angry, but to observe it and choose how to act on it.
Unconditional Acceptance: True spiritual growth happens in environments where we are not constantly judged or forced to conform, but accepted as we are.

Chapter 8, Elena: Angry Again

Elena stormed into the office, saying loudly, “I’m holding you accountable. I saw my ex-boyfriend on the street. I tried smiling and being nice to him. He immediately wanted a hookup and a free meal and beer. So I stormed away from him.”

Rather than getting defensive, Thomas said, “It’s fine holding people accountable. You should. Especially those in authority, like me. Let’s talk about it.”

Elena sat down, an angry expression remaining on her face.

“First, let’s get oriented,” Thomas said. “Did you come here looking for a fix for every one of your problems, or did you come to get a better understanding of your relationship with God? A God who is sometimes difficult to find in a patch of weeds?”

She looked at him like he had two heads. “I’m paying you to give me good advice. Don’t try to weasel out of it. Your advice stinks.”

“Okay. I’m sure you felt from our conversation that you should treat your ex-boyfriend and others better, and you should. You feel it backfired. But instead of letting it escalate into some kind of battle that might really have backfired, you stood up for yourself and didn’t allow him to bully or manipulate you. Not only was that a personal success, it’s teaching him to respect you and your boundaries. That was actually an act of kindness to him.”

He looked at her, and she seemed puzzled.

“Does that sound like double-talk to defend myself, or does it sound like something true?”

“I… never thought of it that way before. Why is it you make so much sense?”

He smiled warmly at her. “I’m not here to mislead you. I’m not here to defend anything or myself. Not everything I tell you will work all the time. But sometimes you can see things from another perspective. And that is wisdom at work.”

“Humph!” She looked up at the animals in the picture, which seemed to soothe her, and then at the owl who stared back at her with big, soul-searching eyes. Under the owl’s piercing gaze she said, “I guess you have a good point.”

“Did you meditate this week or go to the Ekklesia?”

“I was too pissed! I hate running into my ex-boyfriend, and being nice to him and getting that reaction was just too much.”

“That’s fine. This isn’t a setback. You’re learning wisdom. That’s very valuable.”

“Tell me, where is God in this? Did God just speak to me?”

“That’s for you to decide. God is in us, helping us discern what is good and helpful and what is hurtful. And God speaks through our actions, interactions, and others’ actions. But only if we listen and watch for God to speak. As you’ve noticed, anger reactions can send us off in a tizzy, and we learn nothing.”

“So, are you saying I shouldn’t get angry?”

“Be careful of your anger, and don’t let it decide your actions or what you think later. Everyone gets angry. How we handle it is most important.”

She nodded. “I’m a little hot-headed and stubborn as a mule. That’s what people tell me.” She smiled.

Thomas laughed. “You get that from being human and wanting things to go your way. It’s okay.”

“I like you, Thomas. I mean, not in that way, but as a friend. You don’t judge me. You just accept me as I am, backfires and steps backward, and go with it.”

“Yeah. It’s how God operates, so I figure it’s a good place to start. But I’m sure it’s a fault in some people’s eyes.”

She giggled. “Yeah.”

“I want to make sure you’re satisfied with our sessions. I don’t know if they are what you expect.”

She looked at him as if appraising a used car she might buy. “I kicked your tires and they seem sound. The ride is a bit rough. I expected you would just hand me answers like a good philosopher or preacher. You don’t. Yet somehow, I’m not disappointed.”

He gave her a large smile.

She smiled back, and then she developed a smile that indicated she was pleased with herself. “So you approve of the way I handled my ex-boyfriend.”

“Yes. Maybe my approval is helpful for now. But look for approval from within. That smile you have should come from within.”

“Hmmm. I think you’re winning me over, Thomas.”

The session concluded quickly with Thomas offering her a new meditation on connection and boundaries.

Meditation 3: The Grace of the Boundary

Find a quiet place to sit comfortably. Take a slow, deep breath in, and let it out with a soft sigh.

We often think that being “spiritual” or “loving” means saying yes to everything, allowing people to take from us without restriction. But true love requires respect, and respect requires boundaries.

Imagine a house with its doors wide open to a storm. The rain ruins the floors; the wind knocks over the furniture. Closing the door isn’t an act of hatred toward the sky—it is an act of preserving the home so it remains a safe place.

Bring to mind a person or a situation that drains you or demands too much of you. Notice where you feel the tension or anger in your body when you think of them.

Now, visualize yourself quietly and calmly closing a door between you and that demand.

As you breathe in, say to yourself: “I have the right to a safe space.”
As you breathe out, say to yourself: “My boundaries are an act of wisdom, not anger.”

You are not changing the other person. You are simply establishing the perimeter of your own peace. Rest in the quiet of your secured room for a few moments, knowing that God’s love does not require you to be a doormat. When you are ready, open your eyes.

Next: Julian’s session.

Our answer is God. God’s answer is us. Together we make the world better.

Author’s Website with life and spiritual resources: Dorian Scott Cole .com