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Chapter 3: The Quest to Find Your Own Future

Chapter 3: The Quest to Find Your Own Future

Last updated on: August 18, 2026 at 12:01 am by Dorian Scott Cole

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Chapter 3: The Quest to Find Your Own Future 2026-08-15T06:16:34-06:00 Dorian Scott Cole

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Open and Relational Theology & Social Psychology

About this series: This series is intended to help individuals who have hit an obstacle in their spiritual journey and feel that a shift in their spiritual life is necessary. It is intentionally inclusive and applicable across all faiths, personal beliefs, spirituality, or non-religious perspectives.

This resource is not diagnostic, prescriptive, directive, or therapeutic. Rather, you may find concepts that resonate with you, meditations that prove helpful, and insights to spark your spiritual growth. You are encouraged to approach this material prayerfully.

If you find yourself unable to resolve your challenges or move forward, professional counseling is strongly recommended. Catholics may want to speak with their priest or spiritual director. Others may want to see their pastor or religious leader. Those of all faiths may benefit from a counselor in psychology, or may find help moving forward with a life coach.

Spiritual growth deeply intersects with personal and social psychology. The author, Dorian, is a former pastor with university training across multiple disciplines.

Additional information on spiritual counseling can be found on Dorian’s Website.

If you are new to this spiritual counseling series, you can begin your journey with Chapter 1: Help, I’m Spiritually Burned Out.

Additional information on spiritual counseling may be found at Dorian’s Website: Spiritual Counseling.

If you are new to this spiritual counseling series, you can begin the quest with Chapter 1: Help, I’m burned out.

The 60-Second Read
Chapter 3: The Quest to Find Your Own Future

The problem: When we consider changing our lives, institutional leaders and loved ones often push back out of fear of disruption or losing stability.
The Trap: Conflating performance and social utility with authentic faith (sacrificing your soul to remain convenient for an organization).
The Way Forward: Rather than making drastic, destructive changes, progress happens through safe-to-fail micro-experiments and tuning into your body’s “felt sense” of what truly restores your vitality.

Counseling Office. Gemini Generated Image

Chapter 3: The Quest to Find Your Own Future

Thomas was not really emotionally ready to do spiritual counseling. His sister was about to do what he felt was a serious mistake by marrying a man he knew would not treat her well. It was a pattern with her. She almost seemed to seek out the same type of person. He realized life presented in cycles and learning went through the same problems but each time the person had learned from previous experience and did better. God has a unique way of teaching. But it hurt him to see her go through this again. Maybe this time would be different – a better outcome.

He arrived at his office early and spent some time in prayer and meditation to get his head in the right space for helping others. It would throw his perspective off if he went into a session in that frame of mind.

Marcus returned for a second session with Thomas. Marcus arrived in a slump. Thomas took one look at him and wondered if his state of mind was catching. Apparently things had not gone well. But in counseling, difficulties were to be expected. Progress is rarely smooth. Steps backward are as common as steps forward.

After some small talk, Marcus started into the problems he had encountered. “I talked to my pastor and my wife. It didn’t go as expected. I feel even more paralyzed. I’m running on-” his voice trailed off. “Not empty. Closer to hopeless. I think maybe I took a wrong turn here.”

Thomas knew if he really felt that this was a wrong turn, he wouldn’t be here. He needed to talk and reassurance.

“It’s good you’re talking to stakeholders in your life. They’re important considerations. So tell me more about it.”

“My pastor says he loves the job I’m doing and wants me to keep doing what I’m doing. I pressed him on this. He just said there aren’t any other jobs open in the church and he doesn’t think I want to do ministry. Career changes are really difficult at this stage of my life.”

“I’m sure he’s right about those things. Sometimes you have to look outside the box, not just at what already is. And, yes, sometimes we have to make changes slowly. That has advantages we can talk about later. So what does your wife think?”

“Uh. She’s all about security and stability.”

“Spouses are the stability engine of the family. Change and risk aren’t welcome if they’re a threat to smooth family functioning.”

“She says we don’t have the bandwidth for me doing more activity that takes more time and commitment. She’s run ragged getting kids from here to there and keeping up with school activity. And my gut feeling is, she’s right. I’m rocking the boat and I might upset everyone’s life if I do anything more right now.”

“That’s admirable that you can see that when your need seems to run so deep.” Thomas knew that the ability to change was essential to people who want to change. Sometimes counseling and progress ends right at that stone wall.

“Don’t lose hope. There are ways of doing things that aren’t destructive to those around us, but deeply soul satisfying. Just keep an open mind.”

Marcus nodded, but his face didn’t brighten any.

“How did the meditations go? Did you have a moment for them?”

Marcus shook his head. “I tried them on Monday and Tuesday. I got nothing. And then I talked to my pastor and my wife. I was kind of excited and they were… not demonic, I don’t mean that. Just downers.”

“A healthy dose of reality?”

“Yes.”

“Right now you’re looking at a vast ocean of possibility with nothing to anchor you even to a small island of rational potential. And the people important in your life are seeing this same thing. The uncertain future is scary. Do you get that?”

Marcus nodded. He still looked like he felt hopeless.

“You’re carrying your fears and the fears of everyone around you. Fear is a huge motivator especially when you can only see fear. It’s a mountain standing in the way of your future, whatever that might be. It’s preventing your future from even filtering in.”

“Yes, I suppose so. What in the world do I do about it?”

“We talk through this. Attitude is everything. We need to get you back to a position of hope and then look at what your soul needs and how to make that happen without wrecking everyone’s life. Does that sound reasonable?”

Marcus rapidly nodded affirmative.

“Okay, so let’s start with this. We can get an idea that we are indispensable. But no one really is. We change presidents every four years. What if you didn’t show up for a few weeks? Where would the train wrecks be?”

“Well, someone would have to step up and take my place in the church. But no one ever wants to do anything, so that would be hard.”

“Another way to look at it is that your staying in your position deprives others of that life choice. Is that true?”

Marcus thought about it, then shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s not like people are volunteering to do my job. No one wants to do anything except come and sit. Well, that isn’t fair. They do other things, kind of, some of them.”

“We can’t judge others’ lives, but that’s standard for churches. No one thinks they have the time or ability to do anything. They need mentors to take them by the hand and teach them. Have you ever asked anyone to help you with your duties?”

Marcus sighed. “Guilty. But I can’t bear the thought of not being there for my family. They need me. They need my income, my attention, my love.”

“But could they survive if your job sent you to training for a few weeks?”

Marcus shook his head no but said, “I suppose you’re right.” It wasn’t an easy subject and he was ambivalent about it.

“What if there were changes in your church work. Or a new hobby started to displace an old hobby?”

Marcus bit his lip. “It’s hard to think about shaking up my life.”

“Jesus asked a very profound question: ‘What does it profit a man if he gains the entire world but loses his own soul?’” He gazed at Marcus like the owl on the office wall. “What are you losing by holding onto every tiny morsel of the past?”

Marcus shrugged.

“Is it truly faithful to stay in a role that is slowly draining your soul just because it’s convenient for an organization?”

“God gave me a family. I can’t leave them. What if I get so preoccupied with change that I lose my family?”

“We don’t let that happen. This is fear raising its ugly head, but it’s a valid concern. You have to think in advance and protect yourself from bad things.”

“What if I try something new and crash and burn?”

“Again, that’s fear speaking over your life. What if you don’t try anything new and your soul continues in meaningless activity. Necessary activity to be sure, but doesn’t satisfy your soul?”

“Yeah, you’re right. Maybe … maybe there’s some path forward that doesn’t destroy everything.”

“Utility, that’s being utilized by others, and roles that we perform, can consume us. They can deny us our agency to move forward with what’s needed in our lives. And fear can consume every tiny morsel of the future. But with my help you can keep your agency, keep control of your life, and make progress.”

Marcus nodded and for the first time the glum look faded.

“Dorian Cole wrote about finding faith in a changing world. It’s really difficult to maintain your stability when something jerks the rug out from under you. Life can do that. The thing about change is that it usually takes away a little bit so that we can move forward with better things. That kind of hurts.”

“I don’t like giving up anything. I like my life even if right now I’m feeling empty. It really bothers me that I might lose something.”

“We’re all risk averse. We don’t like losing parts of ourselves. But we have to forge ahead or we gain nothing.”

“You have a point. I used to like riding horses when I was young. But slowly that drifted out of my life and now I have a child and we have little cars with remote controls.”

“Loss, or change, is a natural and essential part of the process. To be capable of change we need to be willing to let go. Let go and let God, as they say. Find a new goal and move forward. This can be hard. But by stripping away things from our lives, and exploring, we find things that resonate with us. So I have to ask, are you willing to endure a little pain from losing a little for a greater gain?” Thomas knew this would get the nitty-gritty of whether counseling was going to work for Marcus. It was an essential question at this point.

Marcus looked around the office for a long while. “I’m already in pain. I can’t go on like this. My family has already noticed I’m not the same happy person I usually am. You’re right, I’m looking at a huge ocean of unknown and so are others in my life. I really need to get a handle on this. So, yes, I can lose a little to gain a lot.”

Thomas smiled at him. “Then we can move forward. I believe you can do this.”

“How do I get to the goal post? I don’t want to swim in this huge ocean of fear anymore. I need something tangible to hold onto. A life raft.”

“Well, let’s get in the life raft. You have things in your life you can count on, don’t you?”

“Family. Faith.”

“Exactly. Those are your life raft for now. Murray Bowen expressed this in Family Systems Theory. He explained how we maintain our own emotional alignment and core values while remaining connected to a group (family or church) even though that group may be pressuring them to continue doing what we’ve always done. Ironically, the very things that seem to be working with your fear are the things you need to stay afloat. Does that make sense?”

Marcus laughed. “Yes, in a warped version of the universe, I guess that’s true.”

“Then reassure your family you’re not going to do anything that will hurt them. And draw strength from them to move forward. They’re your anchor, your foundation.”

“Okay. But that makes me just as stuck. How do I move forward?”

“You didn’t get very far with the meditations and those are key. So let me explain how this works. People have meditated for centuries, of course. But Eugene Gendlin brought an aspect of this into clearer understanding. He talked about ‘Felt Meaning.’ By that he meant that a felt sense is an internal, bodily awareness of a situation or problem before words can fully describe it. You have that. But you’re not flowing with it. You’re trying to intellectually analyze it before it can relate to anything in your life or future.”

“Yes, I want to understand what’s happening to me. Is that bad?”

“No, not at all. We always try to understand things and put a name on them so we can control them. That’s natural. But ‘not knowing’ is part of the process. It’s keeping an open mind so that we can let things come to us without questioning, without evaluating, without blocking with a thousand questions and fear.”

Marcus gave a frustrated laugh. “The blank future gnaws at me. I want answers. That’s why I came here.”

“Then you have to be patient. This is a process. If we jump the gun you could make terrible decisions that lead you down the wrong path. This is a process of exploration that will bring you to a set of possible paths you might take. The decision will be fully illuminated and yours to make. God guides, but doesn’t make your decisions for you or make you take things you aren’t ready for.”

Thomas let that hang in the air in silence. He had given Marcus the reassurance he needed. He had set out a path for him to follow. He didn’t like to talk so much and usually spent more time just listening, but this was a crisis that needed to be handled now or it would blow up and destroy everything. This was the point where counseling often failed if these common issues were not addressed.

Marcus sat in silence considering what Thomas had said. Wrestling with this, he rose. Thomas wondered if he would leave. But he looked around, struggling with the unknown and the uncomfortable space in which you wait for answers and struggle to get there.

“I have to do this,” he finally said, the decision made to go forward.

Thomas nodded affirmative, acknowledging his resolve.

“Then please consider this. You don’t need to make big changes in your life that can be destructive and irreversible. The best path is to try new things, little things, that will help you understand what resonates and what the right direction is. With a family involved, you can develop these things slowly. For example, at church you could lead a small group in your home, or lead a Bible study. Or join a Bible study and get a mentor who could teach you how to do it. I’m not saying these are the things to do, they’re just examples.”

At that Marcus smiled. “Thanks! I definitely didn’t make a mistake coming here.”

As Marcus left Thomas felt a warm feeling. Marcus was on a path that, while he might experience some loss, would bring a lot of reward. And then he realized, his sister might be on a path that would bring pain before bringing reward. God works in mysterious ways.

Next: Elena’s next session.

Our answer is God. God’s answer is us. Together we make the world better.

Author’s Website with life and spiritual resources: Dorian Scott Cole .com