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Chapter 9, Julian: The Menu and the Meal

Chapter 9, Julian: The Menu and the Meal

Last updated on: October 14, 2026 at 11:37 am by Dorian Scott Cole

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Chapter 9, Julian: The Menu and the Meal 2026-10-14T11:37:20-06:00 Dorian Scott Cole

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Open and Relational Theology & Social Psychology

About this series: This series is intended to help individuals who have hit an obstacle in their spiritual journey and feel that a shift in their spiritual life is necessary. It is intentionally inclusive and applicable across all faiths, personal beliefs, spirituality, or non-religious perspectives.

This resource is not diagnostic, prescriptive, directive, or therapeutic. Rather, you may find concepts that resonate with you, meditations that prove helpful, and insights to spark your spiritual growth. You are encouraged to approach this material prayerfully.

If you find yourself unable to resolve your challenges or move forward, professional counseling is strongly recommended. Catholics may want to speak with their priest or spiritual director. Others may want to see their pastor or religious leader. Those of all faiths may benefit from a counselor in psychology, or may find help moving forward with a life coach.

Spiritual growth deeply intersects with personal and social psychology. The author, Dorian, is a former pastor with university training across multiple disciplines.

If you are new to this spiritual counseling series, you can begin your journey with Chapter 1: Help, I’m Spiritually Burned Out. Or if you are new to spiritual things and agnostic to religion, follow Elena’s journey in Chapter 2: The Quest for “Does God Talk?”

Additional information on spiritual counseling may be found at Dorian’s Website: Spiritual Counseling.

If you are new to this spiritual counseling series, you can begin the quest with Chapter 1: Help, I’m burned out.

▶ A Personal Note on Burnout and Change

I’ve experienced burnout twice. My mental and physical constitutions are very robust; I adapt easily and can carry huge stress for very long periods with a tremendous perspective that aids me. But I’m not indestructible. The absence of meaningful and purposeful things in our lives is something that, at some point, has to be resolved. The compounding of physical, financial, and seemingly unresolvable problems can become so destructive that radical change becomes necessary. Over time, I’ve learned to recognize and resolve these inner warnings before they become destructive and force a radical break.

Regarding change, most people hate it. It’s usually the last option. But ignoring the need for change simply increases your suffering until you are forced to bite the bullet and do it. Knowing that, my goal with this series on spiritual counseling is to help people recognize what is happening inside themselves early on, and how to gracefully handle it to bring about a beautiful, life-giving result.

A Note on Resilience and Limitations

I just had back surgery. What a wonderful relief from constant pain and rapidly increasing limitations. I can sleep peacefully again and even cross my legs! LOL. I accept that I can no longer do the heavy-lifting tasks that used to be easy for me. Adaptability and resilience are built by understanding and accepting our needs. During this long period of increasing limitations, I explored many new areas of interest and ways of giving that keep me living a deeply meaningful life. I hope I can help you do the same through these writings.

The 60-Second Read
Chapter 9: The Menu and the Meal

The Illusion of Connection: Having thousands of followers or interacting constantly online can mimic the feeling of community, but it lacks the physical proximity and vulnerability required for true intimacy.
Spiritual Numbness vs. Depression: Sometimes a “flat affect” or feeling hollow isn’t clinical depression; it is a spiritual defense mechanism. We numb ourselves to avoid the friction and pain of real life, but in doing so, we also numb ourselves to joy and fulfillment.
Embracing Emotion: Jesus experienced a full range of emotions—grief, anger, joy, and compassion. True spiritual health doesn’t mean becoming an unfeeling stoic; it means fully participating in the messy reality of human life.

Counseling Office. Gemini Generated Image

Chapter 9, Julian: The Menu and the Meal

Julian entered Thomas’ office but was distracted immediately by his cell phone. He began typing a response as he absent-mindedly sat down in the client chair.

Thomas just watched him for a while as Julian continued to respond to post after post.

Julian momentarily looked up at Thomas and said, “Excuse me for a moment. This is an unusually busy time, and I’m talking to someone about a spiritual wellness problem they’re having.”

Julian continued for some time, responding to posts. Thomas reached out and grabbed the phone. He typed into it, “Talk later. Life interruptus.” Then he placed the phone face up on the side table where Julian could read the text, but not quite close enough to grab it and continue.

Thomas didn’t apologize or look irritated. He just looked at Julian expectantly.

“Those people are depending on me to counsel them,” Julian protested.

“I’m a counselor. In my experience, they will still be there waiting expectantly when you finish here.”

“Every second counts. I have over 6,000 people in my group. I go from one to the next to the next. And what I say to one helps them all.”

“And yet, here you are, and the phone is over there. So tell me how I can help you.”

Julian inhaled deeply, let out his breath slowly, then said, “I feel empty inside. Despite all of the wellness apps, spiritual apps, meditation, helping others, I feel empty. On the off chance I might have missed something, I’m consulting you. But my expectations are low.”

It was always nice when a client had so little confidence in you. Or knew it all, which was telling.

“Do you feel depressed?” Thomas wanted to get the screening for those needing psychiatric or clinical help out of the way first.

“No. My affect is just flat.”

His use of the term “affect” told Thomas he had some kind of psychological training. Affect essentially referred to emotional states or responses. Flat meant he had none.

“Are you angry about anything? Feel hostility at different times of the day, or when encountering certain things or people?”

Julian slunk further into his chair. “I mean. No. I don’t feel anything.” He laughed. “And it’s kind of what I keep telling people. Roll with the punches. This is what you signed up for coming into life, so don’t let it get to you. So I don’t. I’m at the point now that I just don’t care. I don’t know what is happening.”

Thomas could see this wasn’t a psychiatric problem. This was a confusion problem. A spiritual problem. He would test his theory.

“Julian, if you saw a dog lying in the street, sick, possibly about to get run over by any passing vehicle, what would you do about it? Let it happen?”

“NO. That would be cruel. I would pick it up and at least lay it on the sidewalk and decide if I could help. Besides, I like dogs.”

His affect was not flat considering the way he responded. So, having empathy, Julian probably wasn’t a narcissist or a psychopath seeking power and money. Not that it could be fully ruled out. None of those typically display in pure forms.

“What if you saw a $50 bill way down in the gutter? Would you get a wire and try to get it out?”

“I might be momentarily tempted. But I have better things to do.”

So he wasn’t highly motivated by money. Probably.

“What if all of a sudden you lost all your passwords to your social media accounts and no one could reach you? And you find out someone took over for you and you were out? How would that make you feel?”

Julian twisted in his seat. “Feel? Those people count on me.”

“Yes, I’m sure they do. I suspect you’re a very good guide for them. But what if the new guy leading them was even better?”

Julian looked puzzled. “I’m going to have to go with ‘good for them.’ And I would feel a little unburdened.” He paused and thought some more about it. “But it seems like I still wouldn’t care. I can’t get past that.”

Thomas gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder. He likely wasn’t seeking attention. Other pathologies might crop up later, but often just spiritual counseling helped moderate those. “We’re making some progress. Here’s the thing. You don’t strike me as being selfish. Personal psychology has no cure for selfishness, and it’s a difficult thing even to wrestle with in spiritual counseling. So that’s really good.”

Julian gave him a smile. “So we know, maybe, what isn’t wrong.”

“Do you have hobbies or ways to relax and get away from the crowd? Even Jesus needed to do this.”

“Jesus was a better man than me. Yes, I get away. I have days off. I take trips without my cellphone. But I still feel hollow inside.”

“This hollow feeling is something that comes from burnout. Not in the sense of doing too much, in your situation. But in the sense of not feeling a reward or fulfillment from doing what your soul requires.”

“Not to argue, but I feel rewarded. I help people.”

“But I suspect not fulfilled. Your soul isn’t satisfied. Is this correct?”

“I suppose that’s true.”

“Let me put this out there and see if it fits. You’ve divorced yourself from real life, from associating with others in meaningful ways, through two things. One is a belief that everything that happens to you is something you shouldn’t react emotionally to, and the other is a belief that all of those people online are having meaningful relationships with you. Is this true?”

“Yes, absolutely.”

Thomas took a piece of paper from inside the side table drawer and drew a picture of a piece of cheese on it. He handed it to Julian. “If you eat this paper, would it be as satisfying as eating a real piece of cheese?”

Julian laughed at the absurdity of it. “Obviously not.”

“Online, you have a beautiful picture of a community with pictures of all kinds of problems and solutions. But staring at the menu isn’t the same as eating the meal. Experiencing life online isn’t the same as actually living real life, with real problems, next to real people.”

“What do you mean? Those people online are just as real as you and I. Sometimes I cry with them.”

“I suspect you do. That’s wonderful. You probably cry at movies, too.” Thomas rose. He stepped toward the door, turned back to Julian and said, “Far.” He stepped closer to Julian and said, “Near.” Then he sat down.

“I watched Sesame Street. I get it.”

“Did you notice a difference when I stood near you, or touched you on the shoulder?”

“Yes. It’s minimal. It’s a presence. I feel it.”

“Let me offer something and see if it resonates a little. Life is meant to be experienced in its fullness. The joy, the pain, accomplishment. It’s through emotion, felt physically in our bodies, that life teaches us. Eugene Gendlin explored a psychological concept called ‘felt meaning.’ It suggests that words and ideas don’t have true, lasting meaning until they connect with a bodily felt experience. You can type words of support all day, but until you physically sit next to someone, until you feel the awkward silences and experience the physical warmth of their presence, it remains just a flat symbol.”

Thomas leaned forward slightly. “Furthermore, real life is messy. People interrupt, they misunderstand you, and they don’t always say the perfect, supportive thing like they can in a curated post. But learning to love people through that mess is where true connection happens. Right now, you’ve numbed yourself to life’s messy, physical experiences. So you’re not living and growing. And you’re not allowing anyone close enough to be in it with you. Does this make any sense?”

“I suppose it could.”

“I use Jesus as my example. Is that okay with you?”

“Of course. I use him, too.”

“Jesus wept at Lazarus’ tomb, who was his friend and a friend of his friends who he saw suffering. And he wept at the disbelief in Jerusalem that he knew would lead to people’s doom. And in the Garden of Gethsemane when he knew the soldiers would come and he would be crucified. He experienced joy when his disciples returned. He showed anger at the money changers at the Temple and he drove them out. Of course, Jesus showed compassion for others over and over. Jesus had emotions just like we all do. He wasn’t afraid of them and he didn’t try to eliminate them.”

“Uh, I think you may have exposed an error in my philosophy.”

“You may be numb and empty because you’ve made yourself numb and empty. See where I’m going with this?”

“Uh, yes. I think I may have to take a week vacation and think about this.” He laughed. “It’s hard to accept being wrong. But it’s even harder to run with a lie.”

“Your generation is very authentic and emotionally vulnerable. It’s exciting to see such genuinness. But it’s also a reason to dive into protective measures like not letting things affect you.”

Jason paused a moment, reflecting. “That’s very true. We have to learn how to swim in these troubled waters.”

“You’re going to be okay. And so will your followers. So I want to give you some daily meditations that will help you get back on the right path.”

“I’m going to want to see you again.”

“Tell my office secretary just outside in the waiting area.”

Julian gave him a blank look. “You don’t have a secretary out there.”

Thomas gave him a big smile. “Nope. Just call and make an appointment.”

Julian shook his head and laughed.

As Julias went out the door feeling lighter, Thomas said. “Jesus never laughed in the Bible. You can’t laugh.”

Julian cracked up. Thomas knew affect was back.

Meditation 4: Putting Down the Menu

The digital world gives us a beautiful picture of connection, but it is free of physical problems. We can’t be spiritually nourished by eating a picture of food. True spirituality requires our bodies, our presence, and our willingness to feel.

Sit quietly and purposefully leave your phone in another room. Close your eyes and focus on your physical body in the physical space you occupy right now.

Notice the weight of gravity pulling you securely into your chair. Notice the temperature of the air on your skin. These sensations can’t be felt through a screen; they belong only to the messy, living, breathing world.

As you breathe in, say to yourself: “I am present in this body.”
As you breathe out, say to yourself: “I permit myself to feel the reality around me.”

If you feel an emotion arise—whether it is anxiety, sadness, or a surprising sense of peace—do not swipe it away. Let it sit in the room with you. Embrace the awkwardness of the silence. God meets us in the messy reality of the physical world, not in the perfection of the digital one.

Next: Elena’s session.

Our answer is God. God’s answer is us. Together we make the world better.

Author’s Website with life and spiritual resources: Dorian Scott Cole .com