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Finding Yourself During Losing Yourself

Finding Yourself During Losing Yourself

Last updated on: January 14, 2026 at 5:01 pm by Dorian Scott Cole

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Finding Yourself During Losing Yourself 2026-01-14T17:01:43-06:00 Dorian Scott Cole

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Open and Relational Theology & Social Psychology

The 60-Second Read

The Problem: Suddenly you feel like a character in a movie who has lost the plot. The old roles of teen, parent, employee, church-goer no longer fit. You feel hopelessly lost and adrift without a meaningful purpose.

The Insight: Identity isn’t something you find; it’s something you forge. Psychology calls this “individualtion, which is essential for growth. but Jesus called it “New Wineskins.”

Part of Something Larger: Jesus said in John 12:25, “Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” “Hating life” isn’t self-hatred, but rather valuing God’s kingdom (love) above earthly comfort and status. It doesn’t mean giving up who you are but sacrificing earthly pleasures for others’ wellbeing. We are not in this world alone. We find deeper meaning and purpose not by pursuing our own pleasure or giving up who we are, but by using our talents and skills to help others live more fulfilling lives with less suffering.

Due Diligence: The over-emphasis of self-sacrifice and service leads to an empty life full of frustration and inability to help others. We find we have nothing left to give. God loves each of us and wants the best fulfillment for each of us. It’s very important that we take care of our own needs so that we can help others.

Moving Forward: Jesus showed us the “way” to deliverance from destructive things that lead to ruin or loss. Stop looking for the old path. This wilderness of meaning isn’t a mistake; it’s the only place where the real you can be born. It’s growth. This is your opportunity to use your values, talents, and interests in pursuits that truly matter to you, hand-in-hand with God. God puts desires in you if you follow God. You can do this!

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Individuation: See more

Jung introduced the idea of individuation:

My brief definition: A lifelong process of defining yourself as a unique individual separate from others, but who also fits in with others, that is especially pronounced from age 12 to 30.

Jung: Becoming a distinct, whole, and authentic individual by integrating conscious and unconscious aspects of the self, moving beyond collective norms to achieve self-realization and a unique identity. It involves bringing hidden parts of your personality (like the shadow, meaning unconscious or repressed) into awareness and reconciling internal conflicts to form a stable sense of self, separate from family or societal expectations.”

Fragmenting self - loss of identity. Generated by Gemini.

Fragmenting self – loss of identity. Generated by Gemini.

Is this all there is?

You know that moment when you look in the mirror and wonder, “Is this it?” You’ve done everything you were supposed to do. You followed the rules. You checked the boxes. But inside, you feel less like a person and more like a collection of obligations. Maybe you feel like no one needs you anymore. Maybe you feel like you missed your entire life, even what God intended for you. You ask, “Is God done with me?” No! This is your next great adventure in becoming you!

This feeling isn’t a crisis even though it feels like one It feels like the ground is crumbling beneath you, but it is actually an invitation.

For years, you have been holding up a mask. Sociologists call this the “Looking Glass Self.” You have become what your parents, your boss, and your pew-neighbors needed you to be. But the weight of that mask is getting too heavy. The cracks are showing. You can only ignore your own needs for so long before the facade breaks apart and you have nothing left to give.

The script society handed you ran out of pages. It’s your turn to be the author of what comes next in your own life. It’s time to rediscover yourself. What are your talents? Your skills? Your interests? God created you uniquely you. What within you can you offer as something new to explore and maybe offer to others?

The meaning and purpose you are looking for isn’t out there waiting to be found; it’s yours to create. Hand-in-hand with God. The interests we had as children change. As life hands us new responsibilities and challenges we develop new interests and abilities. Go on an exploration and discovery mission. Look at different types of jobs. Explore the Internet. See what resonates with you. Most people can do most things, and sometimes it takes a little education or training. You are stronger and more capable than you think, and you can build your new future.

Dig Deeper: The Science of the “Looking Glass Self”

Charles Cooley (1902) introduced the concept of the Looking Glass Self. He argued that:

We imagine how we appear to others.
We imagine their judgment of that appearance.
We develop our self through the judgments of others.

Relevance: If you are surrounded by people who value shallow compliance, your identity becomes shallow compliance. Breaking free requires changing the mirror. Look to examples of who you want to become or admire. Ask them to be mentors or point you in the right direction.

The Monster in the Room

The enemy here isn’t the world. The enemy is the fear that if you drop the mask, there will be nothing underneath. You are afraid that if you stop being “The Responsible One” or “The Faithful One,” you will simply disappear.

This is where the struggle begins. You try to numb the feeling. You scroll endlessly. You overwork. You cling to “Old Wineskins” because even if the wine is sour, at least the container is familiar.

The Weapon: The God Within

But here is the plot twist. The emptiness you feel isn’t an absence of identity. It’s the clearing of space.

Jesus didn’t ask people to become better versions of their societal roles. He asked them to become integrated. He offered a tool that modern psychology is just catching up to: The separation of the Role from the Soul. The role is a cage that society invites us into to be acceptable, admired, useful, etc. But roles come to an end. They don’t represent who you are.

Jesus looked beyond the role at the individual:

The Rich Young Ruler: He was the ultimate “Good Role Player.” He kept all the commandments. He was successful. Jesus told him to sell everything. Why? Not because money is evil, but because his identity was “The Rich, Moral Keeper of Rules.” Jesus needed him to strip that role away to find his soul. The man couldn’t do it. Money was too large an influence in his life, so he was trapped by it.
Matthew (Levi) the Tax Collector: Society defined him entirely by his job (Traitor/Thief). Jesus didn’t say, “Be a nicer tax collector.” He said, “Follow me.” He asked him to walk away from the identity entirely.
The Pharisees: These were the people who had perfected the Role. They looked perfect on the outside (“Whitewashed Tombs”). Jesus called them hypocrites—which comes from the Greek word for “Actor” (Stage Player). They were purely Role, with no Soul.

The Apostle Paul captured this in Galatians 3:28, summarizing Jesus’ ideas: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female.” All the social identifiers considered vastly important to the people of that time, and today, such as race, economic status, position, and gender, are stripped away. What is left is that we are all the same in God’s eyes.

We don’t become better people inside the cage. It’s a trap for the soul. We spread our wings and fly. We build something new.

Resource: Jesus vs. The Institution

In Luke 5:37, the parable of the wineskins isn’t just about church structure; it’s about personal structure.

The Insight: You cannot put your new, expanding spiritual growth (New Wine) into your old, rigid social identity (Old Wineskin). If you try to force your new questions into your old life, you will ruin both. You must build a new structure for the new you.

The Resolution

Finding yourself is not a treasure hunt where you dig up a buried chest. It is an architectural project. You are the builder.

You start by laying down one brick that is truly yours, such as a value you hold, a belief you cherish, a skill you love, regardless of what the audience thinks. Then you lay another. Slowly, you build a house that actually fits the spirit living inside it.

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– Dorian

“Our answer is God; God’s answer is us; Together we make the world better.”

– Dorian Scott Cole

“With hate we have more to lose than gain. Break the cycle.”

– Dorian Scott Cole

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