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How to Improve Self-Image

How to Improve Self-Image

Last updated on: August 11, 2025 at 12:28 pm by Dorian Scott Cole

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How to Improve Self-Image 2025-08-11T12:28:26-06:00 Dorian Scott Cole

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Radical Forgiveness series

How to replace guilt-producing perceptions of how others see us with a realistic image

Unwarranted guilt is a feeling of guilt and resultant shame without any real basis. We perceive that others look down on us as unworthy because of some deficiency. It’s likely irrational guilt.

Irrational guilt is “shame, judgment, self-criticism for seemingly mundane, uncomplicated parts of daily life. Questioning if you’re working enough, if you’re a good enough partner/parent/friend, if you’re making life harder for those around you…Wondering if you’re falling short or have done something wrong even if life seems fine or even good.” – Mindful Care Therapy.

I Am Worthy ofLove image by Google AI

Why You Should Let Go of Shame

I’m covering this topic because it affects a lot of people by preventing them from feeling worthy. That feeling of unworthiness prevents many people from forming friendships and relationships, progressing in their careers, and serving others. It puts the brakes on becoming more you.

Jesus’s mission was to present the “Good News of forgiveness” to the world, starting with Judaism. We often don’t think past the words “Good News” or “Gospel,” but forgiveness was the keynote. He “lightened the burden” (Matthew 11:28-30) placed on us by hypocritical religionists and the 613 laws in Judaism that were nearly impossible for many to keep.

Through forgiveness, which removes the chains that drag us down, he bound the “accuser,” also known as Satan, so that our bad conduct would not be a permanent stain on us if we fix it. Unfortunately, we are often our own accusers.

Forgiveness from God is pervasive (an unwelcome influence that spreads widely). It nullifies guilt. It should nullify shame. But shame seems to be ubiquitous (always present and found everywhere) in our lives. Whether we’re guilty or not, we somehow manage to feel shame.

Keep in mind, I don’t do diagnosis or therapy. I work with social psychology, which touches on these things, and am university educated in psychology and religion. This series of articles is about helping people understand these things in their lives, and either “fixing it” with self-help, or finding a clinical psychologist to help them.

This brings us to the first step in addressing shame: “self-care.”

“Fixing it” starts with self-care. Some call it self-love. From the Merriam-Webster definition, self-love is “an appreciation of one’s own worth or virtue. Self-love begins when we observe our actions and words with compassion as if we were our own best friend.”

One common obstacle to self-care often pops up its ugly head. If we have a difficult time being non-judgmental and compassionate with others, it may be difficult to be non-judgmental and compassionate with ourselves. We can be our own worst enemy. As Jesus told us, if we judge others, we are subject to judgment. I believe that this is self-judgment because God doesn’t judge our actions that are forgiven.

How can we feel worthy if we are constantly finding others not worthy? The first step is to stop judging others and be more compassionate. Then we can do self-care.

The real science of self-care

Many psychologists recommend practices meant to affirm self-love. But can practicing things meant to improve self-love actually work, or is this just hot air?

A surprising result was that people with childhood trauma showed more improvement than others.

On average, participants reported significant improvement on four measurements, three of which included:

Physical symptoms from stress (scores reduced by an average of 10%)
Feelings of unconditional love (increased by an average of 5%)
Overall well-being (scores increased by an average of 12%)

Most strikingly, those with more childhood trauma began the study with lower well-being scores than those with less, but over the course of the four-week study, their overall well-being scores increased by 16%, allowing them to catch up. The effects are not likely a placebo, as improvement was ‘dose-dependent,’ correlating directly with the amount of time people used the app.

References:

Can a Time-Travel Narrative App Improve Wellbeing? – Mind, Body, Spirit

Smartphone Time Machine: Tech-Supported Improvements in Time Perspective and Wellbeing Measures – Frontiers in Psychology

Mossbridge Institute.

Recognizing and silencing triggers

Feelings of guilt and shame may be so rooted in your mind that they are existential, meaning they just exist, similar to how a habit drives your actions, without an identifiable reason. They may also be triggered. You must recognize your triggers and silence them or replace your response to them. You have to identify why you respond emotionally the way you do when you feel “less than” others.

When do you feel shame and unworthiness? Is it in the presence of the well-educated? The wealthy? Older parents? Your parents? People at work? When your work is on display?

We feel like we’re in the spotlight. The Spotlight Effect is a psychological concept that suggests that we overestimate how much others notice our actions and behaviors. This tendency to feel like we’re being watched often fuels our negative self-talk. We tend to think we’re under a spotlight, but in reality, people are more focused on their own thoughts and feelings. They may not notice us much at all. They may even feel judged by you.

In fact, my doctor likes to tell me my test results are unremarkable. That pretty much sums up my life—I’m largely invisible. As Igor says, “Thanks for noticing me.” (Self-deprecating humor.)

Sometimes negative self-talk defeats us before we ever begin. We may be too harsh on ourselves. I know people who have a lot of difficulty stopping negative self-talk. It’s very common in those with early childhood trauma. What you have to do is very consistently stop the negative thought and replace it with a positive one.

To get ready, make a list of positive thoughts to have on hand because the negative feeling will drag you down and not let you go to a positive thought. It takes five positive comments to nullify one negative comment, whether from yourself or from others.

Constructive criticism is important, but it has to be balanced with positive comments. It’s especially important in marriage. Those who deliver predominantly negative comments in marriage are more likely to divorce. Lack of respect is an underlying cause. – Partly from The Ideal Praise-to-Criticism Ratio Harvard Business Review

Here are two causes of feeling guilt and shame:

1. I never do everything I’m supposed to do.

I’ve known people who walk in the door after work, men and women, and the first words out of their mouths are, “You didn’t do ….” Despite the huge number of things the other person did, their words have a terrible impact. Everyone should be appreciated for their work, even if it’s a given.

Neither can superhumans do everything. There isn’t enough time in each day to be the perfect parent, the perfect spouse, the perfect employee, the perfect church person, the perfect civic-minded person, the perfect self-care devotee, the perfect cook and housekeeper, the perfect …. The list is endless of things we should do. Not doing everything can produce guilt and shame.
Sara Kloek on Medium wrote a list of 95 Things I Should Do Every Day According to the Internet, and I doubt the list is even close to complete. I can tell you doing these things isn’t going to work for me. I have to prioritize and get the top ten and a few others, and I still miss half of them. I can tell you it isn’t going to work for you either. Trying will only make you feel like an unworthy failure.

Live in the moment and understand what is urgent and necessary. Self-care should be a top priority. We can’t help others if we allow ourselves to be depleted.

2. I never measure up to those around me

We glorify people who seemingly can “do it all.” But the thing about winners and losers is everyone is a loser except maybe that one person. We need to rein in our “perfectionist” ideas and realize there isn’t enough time or energy in the day to make everything perfect.

One thing I’ve learned in life is that there is always someone who can do things better than I can. I used to love to play the song Tammy on my old, used guitar—I’m a hopeless romantic. Then I met someone with a top-of-the-line Fender Stratocaster who was very accomplished. I played Tammy for the group in the key of C. He came back the next day and played it beautifully in the key of G. I stopped playing with him and the others. I couldn’t measure up. My guitar playing slowly dwindled after that, and I’ve always regretted it.

Everything I do can be done better by someone else, but in most cases, they aren’t the ones doing it. I am. All I can do is the best I can, and it’s usually enough. Don’t ever let the fact that others are better educated, skilled, or might do it better stop you from doing what you set your sights on or feel compelled to do. Everyone’s skills, talents, and efforts are needed in this very needy world.

Keep in mind that God didn’t call the best and most powerful people to do great things for him. Moses was plagued by self-doubt and wasn’t good at public speaking but led a nation out of Egypt to the promised land. David was young and inexperienced but killed Goliath and became king of Israel. The Prophet Isaiah mourned, “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips…” Jesus drew attention as just a baby born to a carpenter, but he turned the world upside down. Jesus’s disciples were ordinary fishermen but transformed the world.

I’ve learned in life that most people can do most things, and they can do them well if they are open to training and help from others who are accomplished. We’re not alone in this world.

Each of us has a different reason for being here. Each has something special to give and to learn. But we are here primarily to learn to love others as ourselves, as Jesus said as the second greatest commandment. Being here to learn means we learn from our mistakes, and our lessons can be harsh. This can’t stop us from doing things. Never let failure prove “I can’t.” Prove you can by continuing to try.

As in the movies, the hero is usually a person with mediocre skills, but conquers big, nearly impossible tasks with just his wits to win the day.

Worry can also be a cause

It’s four in the morning, and our mind looks at the task ahead and says, “You’re not good enough. You don’t have enough experience or education. Look at all the things that can go wrong. You’re going to fail spectacularly. Everyone is going to see you for what you are and look down on you.” We all go through this.

As Brené Brown, Ph. D. said, Shame has two objectives. First to tell us we’re never good enough. Second to say, “Who do you think you are?” “Shame is the swampland of the soul.”

Worry is shame on steroids. Keep in mind that most people can do most things, and none of us ever accomplish much without failure as a teaching tool. Failure is part of trying and advancing. Say to yourself, “If I fail, I’ll learn from it. Failure, and the fear of failure, won’t stop me. If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31.)

Move forward with confidence, not paralyzed by undeserved shame

Be aware that undeserved shame, or existential shame, should not be your master. Be choosy who you let be your master. Be shame’s master. It’s all about self-preserving attitude.
Instead of saying, “I can’t,” say, “I probably can.” Then, “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!” – Admiral David Farragut during the Battle of Mobile Bayin the American Civil War.
The more you conquer your challenges, the more confidence you will have to conquer bigger ones.
Regard setbacks and failures as opportunities to learn, not condemnation from others or validation that you can’t do ….
Be aware that most people are thinking about themselves, not you.
Be compassionate and forgiving of yourself. Everyone is worthy and deserves compassion.
Nullify negative self-talk by responding with, “Nuh, uh. Here are five positive things about me.” When self-doubt raises its ugly head, poke it in the nose and say you’re better than that.
Celebrate your successes. Each Friday look back on the week and see what you’ve accomplished. Let your successes build you up.
If the presence of others makes you feel “less than,” you can use others’ opinions or ask that person if they think you can succeed. The chances are high they will say yes, or lay out the obstacles you will face. Both are helpful. Ask if they can be advisors for you. This is a win-win.
Surround yourself with people who are good at what they do who can help you with either advice or assistance.
Be patient. Realize that around one of ten business ideas is successful, and that one usually requires modification. Persistence pays off.

Shame that comes from trauma is very difficult to move beyond. Consider that you might need the help of a clinical psychologist.

Conclusion

Embrace Self-Compassion for Lasting Change: Cultivating self-compassion is crucial; it means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a friend, challenging negative self-talk, and recognizing your shared humanity. This compassionate acceptance is what enables you to move past the burden of past mistakes, learn from them, and ultimately achieve genuine personal and spiritual growth.

Concluding challenge

Remind yourself many times a day that God loves you despite anything you may have done. God’s love is unconditional. God forgives our misdeeds and remembers them no more. We can’t earn God’s love, and our misdeeds can’t make us lose it.

But our journey doesn’t stop there. For true healing, we should also address the burdens we carry in our relationships with others.

Not making things right with others can hang over us like a Shadow of dread. Think of those you have mistreated. Apologize to them and ask how you can make things right. By taking these steps, you can eliminate guilt, shame, and animosity, potentially regain a friend, and set yourself on the path to spiritual growth.

If you find yourself unable to take these actions, please consider seeking help from a qualified therapist. Your future well-being depends on it.

“Our answer is God. God’s answer is us. Together we make the world better.” – Dorian Scott Cole

“With hate we have more to lose than gain. Break the cycle.” – Dorian Scott Cole

Author’s website: DorianScottCole.com

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