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Dad I’m Gay: What I Would Say To My Child

Dad I’m Gay: What I Would Say To My Child

Last updated on: October 28, 2016 at 9:44 pm by Dan Chappell

Dad I’m Gay: What I Would Say To My Child 2016-10-28T21:44:27-05:00 Dan Chappell

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My effort is to offer solutions instead of simply offering disagreement. Yesterday I addressed how difficult it is to gain clarity on same-sex relationships and my belief that Jen Hatmaker’s statements represent a shift in her thinking away from a difficult but important space to operate in the body of Christ (we have articulated this as a “third way”).

In her interview with Jonathan Merritt, Jen offered her thoughts to some questions. Today I want to pick up on one of those; what would you say to a child that said they were gay? I have no right to tell Jen Hatmaker what to say, and I am sure my thoughts are incomplete, but here is a sample of what I would say and what I wish she had said.

*I tell my kids several times a week that I love them and that there is nothing they ever have to do to prove themselves to me, nothing! I tell them that because Jesus loves them unconditionally, they never have to prove themselves to him. We are intentional in our home about talking to our children about loving those that are hard to love, the bully, sometimes brothers and sisters, those who are mean to others. We confess our sin in front of them and to them. We ask for their forgiveness. It is significant to tell them these things because we want them to always know their mom and dad live under the banner and authority of Jesus, a good and passionate God that loves us and them.

I pray that the ripple effect of this will be a home where nothing is off the table, not one single thing. Further, I pray that confession is never met with punitive expectations, rather with love and a healthy understanding of consequences that sometimes we do not get to control.

So, if the day comes that I hear the words “Dad I am gay” from one of my children, I will not be in despair but rather, I will put my arms around them and reassure them that whatever comes next, my love for them and my care for them isn’t even on the table to be questioned!

For Casey and I, saying I love you and care for you are not mere words to be used as Christian sentiments, while practically rejecting our children in the name of Jesus. They are real, and they come with our lives, no matter what!

Too many teens living homeless on the streets are LGBT youth, and too many of those have been removed from a loving home by religious parents. May it never be! This must stop! No child should ever have to feel the pain of a rejected relationship from a parent, ever.

Admittedly I come to this with a history. I have lived this question! I was the son who came to his parents and said these words, and I got a front row seat to parents who although they didn’t fully understand, they understood some things crystal clear, I was their boy, and they loved me. Nothing they said or did ever violate this sacred truth. I pray the same will also be true of Casey and I as we parent through the multitude of things our children might tell us.

At this point, we would depart, at least in part, from the way Jen explained their parenting. We do want whatever God has for our kids, and that may very well include marriage and children. We work hard to walk out marriage before our kids that demonstrates honesty and a willingness to point to Jesus Christ. Our marriage, when at it’s best, functions as it is in Scripture (Ephesians 5), a picture of Christ and the Church, and we do not hesitate to make the connection. Christian marriage is part of telling the story of who God is and his good design for intimacy between a man and a woman is part of this complex but exceedingly beautiful design narrative of creation and image bearers woven throughout the scriptures.

We too would parent our son or daughter the same as the rest of our children. It is important for parents to know that it can be a grace to understand deeper realities about their children. Your child being gay does not automatically make them a project that your other kids are not. They are your son or daughter, and now you know more to love them better…do this!

Being a Christian parent and sincerely convicted about truth, especially as it relates to sexuality does not mean we have every answer and every solution. It is important for us to say at times I know nothing more than Jesus and I want to walk with you in working that out. Sometimes saying everything in one moment of fear doesn’t convey grace but rather an unwillingness to trust God with the process. Remember he loves our children more than we ever could!

We would ask our child to bear with us as we walk through things we need to say and to know they come from a deep and abiding belief in what sexuality is and created to be. We would ask our child to consider entrusting God with the process of walking through their sexual attraction, orientation, and ultimately as it relates to their identity, knowing that may not be what they want or think it to be. If they agree to that then they have said yes to more conversation and more consideration, they have said yes to God. If they say no, then nothing changes except you know more about where their heart is on this and that is helpful as you pray for all your children.

This way of thinking is born out of my own personal experience. There were so many times that I felt it was my responsibility to deny my attraction and stop feeling the way that I did, and when I found that I could not do this, I lived in despair, believing God hated me. But, when I was helped to see that saying no to any sin is saying yes to Jesus and leaving the results to him, things changed. I did not say no to homosexuality and yes to heterosexuality, I simply said yes to God, to Jesus. Whatever happened next, I had made the decision that Jesus was better than anything and trusting him, though hard, would never be a waste of my time.

Seventeen years later, Jesus is still better and so worth my time!

I know these words will not sit well with so many that come to a different theology than me, but this is my experience, and more importantly I believe it is what the whole of Scripture reveals to be true and good for our joy.

Both Casey and I have entered each and every adoption of our six kids with the conscience understanding that something deeply rooted in the gospel was happening. With each adoption finalization, a judge would look at us and ask us if we understood that adoption is permanent and that each child was now irrevocably ours. This is true of God’s adoption of us! We are his, brought near by the reconciling love of Jesus. How can we as parents, represent something less to our children.

We tell our children often that Sin breaks intimacy at times, but it does not break the relationship. We want our kids to understand that God’s love for them does not end if we fail to live according to his will, and neither does their parent’s love end.

So, We would love our son or daughter, we would pray for them as we always have, we would tell them what we believe to be true about the beauty of sexuality and design (by the way this should be an ongoing conversation, not reserved for when things don’t go according to plan), we would ask them to give this time and to consider what it means to say yes to Jesus in their sexuality, but in the end we would walk the long road of life with our sons and daughters. We would see each choice and each stage, as new opportunities to draw near and love well, speaking when we get the chance, and loving with every beat of our heart for the ones God has entrusted to us.

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