A Conversation with our Kids on Sexuality and Gender

Last updated on: June 5, 2016 at 4:04 pm by Dan Chappell

A Conversation with our Kids on Sexuality and Gender 2016-06-05T16:04:17-05:00 Dan Chappell

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Kids Blue Bonnets

One of the most frequent questions Casey and I get as parents or in our leadership with Identify Network, is, what about our kids? Parents want to know how to talk to their children about sexuality and gender, or in reality, many want to know how to avoid the conversation. Parents are concerned about the type of hospitality we encourage, the openness we point towards and the honesty we promote. All parents must decide, before the Lord, what is best for their kids and not all will agree.

We recognize the importance of this topic! We are raising six amazing kids, and four of them are entering an age where their understanding of the world will grow rapidly. Casey and I want to step into that reality and model the type of courage, risk, honesty and conversation that we often suggest.

We want to create an environment in our home where every question and conversation is fair game and is part of an opportunity to expand our kid’s hearts for Jesus. Part of that heart is to encourage a bold love for others that seeks to understand and always demonstrates empathy and grace.

Every home is a culture, and we want the culture of our home to be one of conversation.

Our kids must feel the freedom to ask questions and explore doubt. Parents must be bold and honest without stunting the critical thinking and sharp processing of our children. If we do this, even in the name of protection, we will send them into other cultures with a limp.

I want to bring all of these desires and convictions to the forefront in our conversations on sexuality and gender. One advantage of having adopted all of our kids is the need to develop a system of honesty and openness surrounding weighty subjects, and not many topics are more weighty than adoption. If we are honest, the subject of the conversation doesn’t dictate the methods we use. Rather, our convictions for our kid’s hearts and minds do.

With all of this in mind, I would like to offer some thoughts on speaking to our kids about sexuality and gender. Our thoughts come from our convictions and an overwhelming amount of listening to other parents, watching other parents model, and reading so much of what is out there about speaking with our kids. As I write this, I am aware that many will disagree or take issue, especially those from a non-religious worldview and some within the LGBT community. My intent is not to offend, but I offer this to the Church and to fellow believers that need to grow or understand in these areas.

*Start early: I mentioned that your home is a culture and so is your family! You develop the culture of your home from the beginning and not at some later point when we think our kids will understand. Starting early is not specific to sexuality and gender. Rather, it is about timing, and it is never to start early shaping our kid’s worldview.
*Lay the foundation for a Biblical worldview: Before our children ever face issues of sexuality and gender, we should be shaping their view of the world with a Biblical framework. For our family, this involves a four part foundation, creation, fall, redemption, restoration. Within this framework is the entire story of the kingdom and the redemptive love of God. It involves design and purpose, it explains brokenness and sin, it demonstrates the sacrificing love of Christ, and that God is involved in the restoration of all things. This will include and understanding that God is redeeming our sexuality and restoring our fallen image as male and female. When we lay this foundation, everything becomes about God and valuing his writing of our story rather than our personal convictions based on cultural norms.
*Model what you value: If we want our kids to value the beauty of God’s design in sexuality and gender we need to model this in our home. We talk to our kids about the beauty of their bodies created by God, and this is part of his image. We do not hide our affection as a couple from our children but rather, talk openly about intimacy (age appropriate of course) and sacrifice for one another.
*Highlight biblical values on sexuality and gender rather than cultural expectations: I cannot stress how important this is! We value teaching our children about mutual sacrifice for one another as fellow image bearers created as male and female. We also value demonstrating some of the different and complimentary ways God has created boys and girls. This does not include cultural understandings about gender and sexuality. We fight hard to make sure the expectations we demonstrate to our kids are biblical and not cultural. Therefore, we teach our boys to honor women, to sacrifice for women, to value a woman’s wisdom. We teach our girls to look to men, who honor them and value them, as worthy of a level of leadership in life, and that submission is not a something less than but modeled by Jesus rooted in a deep trust in the faithfulness of his father.
*A culture of conversation is always best: Our kids have questions, and we should answer them. We need to allow for times of informal questioning as we live our lives, taking the time to answer our kid’s questions in the course of a day. We want our kids to know we value their desire to know. We also are intentional about creating times for intentional conversation. There is not a better time for this than meal times and car rides. We use these times to ask our kids questions about life, including sexuality and gender (they see these things in our world so why to ignore it).
*Be proactive rather than reactionary: Being proactive is associated with the advice above. Creating time for intentionality. However, it is bigger than just creating time to talk. Our conversation can be in reaction to what has happened or something our children see. We want to empower our kids to understand so that when they are exposed to differing ideas or worldviews, they can respect them, but also have an understanding of what they believe is right and value. When we are proactive about developing the worldview of our kids, we make it about God and not our personal reactions to what is happening.
*God values people, and we should expect this from our kids: Far too often we want to protect our kids from people whose lives challenge our worldview. I am not arguing that we not protect our children. However, when we only associate with those we agree with or judge their lives to be worthy, we tell our children that other lives are less worthy of our time and intention. If we believe that all of us are created in God’s image and therefore worthy of dignity and respect, then we must demonstrate that to our kids in both word and deed. We want our kids to be the ones who draw near in relationship to all types of people. When we do this, we are teaching our kids to model the incarnational ways of Jesus Christ. Your gay neighbor is not a risk or a threat; the transgender classmate is not gross or weird. God loves and values those created in his image, and we cannot teach our kids to do anything less. If we do we further marginalize and hurt people that may already be deeply wounded by Christians, and more importantly our lives say something false about God.
The thoughts offered here are personal. I believe they are driven by biblical values and a humble desire to see our children become ambassadors that reflect a biblical gospel and live lives that demonstrate the truth and grace of Jesus Christ, lived out in love for others.

If you are your church desires to be further equipped, or if you have a desire to understand and see our ministry posture and conversation grow, The Identify Network is here to serve you. You can read more about our network and our mission at https://identifynetwork.org. Also, you can further contact us [email protected].

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