eat pray loved me

Last updated on: August 18, 2010 at 2:05 pm by David Hayward

eat pray loved me 2010-08-18T14:05:01-04:00 David Hayward

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Lisa (my wife), Casile (my daughter) and I went to see Eat Pray Love yesterday. (Right off the bat I would say the movie has to augment the book. The movie by itself, I surmise, wouldn’t do as well. Read the book first.)

I cried right from the start! This happens once in a while. I recognize, even while it is happening, that there is something much deeper going on than me being emotionally touched by a chick flick. Same thing happened when I saw The Notebook after I was fired from Streams International Ministries in 2002. I realize it is unlocking pent up emotions. Usually grief.

I’m a master of pretending that I am stoically braving the fallout. I need to exhibit control to you. I need you to see that, in spite of the severity of my circumstances, I am Christlike on the cross of my affliction.

Then, like an ambush, a movie will pierce through my pretense and unlock an ocean of hot tears, betraying my charade. To myself. And to others.

I cried for the rest of the day. We went to the matinee. It was a long day.

At the beginning of the movie, as in the book, Liz realizes that in spite of the fact that she invested everything into her marriage and that she built it into what it had become, she was very unhappy. It was killing her. After much anguish, in one fell swoop she ended it. Thus began her year long road to recovery where she had to forgive herself and move toward her own happiness and trust love again.

This is what broke my heart open. I realized that I had spent 30 years building a ministry. I fully invested myself in it. I gave everything to it. I sacrificed so much for it. I couldn’t begin to tell you how much it cost me. I’m not trying to raise a pity party. I’m just telling you how much it meant to me and how much I was willing to relinquish for it. I took it seriously.

And then one day I realized I wasn’t happy. I realized, much to my shock and sorrow, that it was killing me. I… no one else, I had to end it. I had to do it. Believe me, I would have continued sacrificing everything to it. But I’m afraid I would have, if I kept going, sacrificed my own children, my own wife, and my own soul to it. I would have sacrificed everything in an unholy immolation and lost my own happiness forever. Even my soul.

But I hurt so many people. I disappointed them. I confused them because I had built this and wanted it. I loved it! I was the most seriously invested in it all. So why did I ask for a divorce? It didn’t make any sense to them. But I had to do it before it really did kill me and everything I cherish. And I did it in one fell swoop. Suddenly.

It’s only been a few months. When I first resigned I felt the immediate loss of the burden. The weight was lifted right away. It felt good. But I still haven’t forgiven myself for what I did… to the church, to my family, to my friends… and to myself. I have brought complete insecurity, instability and financial ruin to my home. I have lost so many friends (again), and I have left people and my church bewildered. I know we will all be better for this. One day. But no one sees it yet. Including me.

I will find my happiness. But I have a ways to go. And every time I allow my heart to break, it will open it up even further to forgive fully, to trust without caution, and to love again completely. Of this I’m certain. Sort of.

Previous Post

August 18, 2010

cartoon: eat pray love

Next Post

August 19, 2010 cartoon: FIRE!

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category art cartoons cartoons 2 freebie music one minute message podcast Sophia teaching technology thought

Select a Month February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006 August 2006 July 2006 June 2006 May 2006 March 2006 February 2006

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who led the Israelites in battle at Jericho?

Select your answer to see how you score.

David Samson Joshua Gideon