No I’m Not Alone

Last updated on: February 27, 2008 at 9:09 am by David Hayward

No I’m Not Alone 2008-02-27T09:09:08-04:00 David Hayward

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Noticing that I might be going through a hard time, some people have emailed me expressing their concern. Lovely. Thanks. Included in some of the concern is the assumption that because I am a pastor I am very isolated and lonely, which makes my struggle even more difficult. I want people to know: I am not lonely.

It is true that most clergy I know of and read about are lonely. I was explicitly instructed in seminary to not befriend people in my congregation, and that the pastor is to maintain a level of separation from his or her people… for many reasons (to avoid enmeshment, to prevent favoritism, to maintain objectivity, etc.). I grew up in that school and saw that school of thought modeled. Even with the last church I planted in 2002 I was instructed by my boss that I was not to let my people see my weaknesses, that they needed a strong and together leader to inspire them to their own strength. I understand that sentiment but completely disagree with it. So years ago I decided to break that model. I desired to be authentic for myself and to be authentic for whomever I pastored. It was a very difficult but very rewarding transition. Now I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am surrounded by my community. They are my friends. I can be honest and authentic with them. They know and share my troubles as I do theirs. I am not alone. Of course, at the core of every person is a place that not even we ourselves understand, so there remains that natural existential alienation that we all occasionally sense. But I am not afflicted with the chronic loneliness that so many pastors experience. I am loved by many.

So pastors and parishioners, here’s some suggestions on how to get there if you aren’t already:

Be patient as you make the transition. It took me years for people to get used to the idea as well as me getting used to the experience of being authentic, honest and known within a faith community.
Expect opposition. Some people don’t want to know that their pastor has weaknesses. They want their pastor to be firmly on a pedestal and to never come down. I have lost friends because they are offended that their pastor has unpleasant shortcomings. I have been betrayed by people who decided, because of who I was, that I wasn’t worthy of leadership. Some prefer a strong and charismatic leader who has it together. Which is fine. There are plenty of them out there.
Experiment with being honest, open and vulnerable with one or two people within your community that you think could be trustworthy friends. Hopefully they will be a part of your leadership team or elders. As you feel more comfortable and confident, expand the circle of friendship and authenticity.
Some of my best friends are women. Generally speaking and in my experience, women are more open to and understanding of weakness than men are. Half of our leadership team is female. But men: this means learning and keeping appropriate boundaries with your women friends. Goes without saying.
Enjoy male companionship. I have found that while women generally will get together to talk and do something else on the side, men generally want to do something and maybe talk on the side. So go work-out at the gym together. Go fishing. Play hockey. Watch a game. Shoot deer. Eventually times will come when you can talk about personal issues together. Take advantage of those opportunities.
If you want your own authenticity accepted, this necessarily means that you must embrace the authenticity of others. It is mutual and two-sided. As trust builds in your relationships, vulnerability, authenticity and genuine love can result, leading to deeper and more significant friendships. But be warned: deep connection leads to deeper pain as you really do share the burdens of others. But it also can lead to greater rewards as you discover that you can travel greater distances when someone helps you bear your burdens.
In my opinion, this pretty much limits the size of your community. Some studies show that once a community goes over 100 in number, the interpersonal dimension becomes thin and therefore more difficult. I don’t mind being part of a smaller community. I would prefer to start another one than to grow much larger in order to preserve the friendship factor.
Expect to be humbled. There will be times when your weaknesses are serious. If your marriage is struggling and you’re the problem, or you struggle with pornography, or you are drinking too much, or you hate your job as a pastor, or you feel like you are losing your faith, or you’ve been stupid with your finances… these kinds of things are difficult to admit even to ourselves never mind others. You might not share this with the whole community but with the leadership team so that they can walk through it with you. Authentic love in community is often messy, chaotic and raw, but it is real. You can actually witness and experience healing. This is where you may find that friendship is tried, tested and true.
Your community, if it has been based on the hierarchical model for instance, will experience a dramatic paradigm shift over time. Thankfully, we went through a horrendous split years ago that sped up the process. We were all hurting and we all knew it. There was no point in trying to hide it. We are still on our journey towards, as Henri Nouwen would have called it, a “wounded healer” type of community. It becomes more rich and beautiful (or more offensive depending on your perspective) over time.
Prepare yourself for transformative change. When you start loving across instead of down, it will challenge the way you see, treat and accept people into your life. It will change the way you do community, the way it is run, maintained and managed. It will redefine what success looks like to you. You will have to discard much of what you’ve been taught and assumed. But it is worth it. Your community will become what it is intended to be: a functional family of friends.

No, I’m not lonely. I have many friends. I am loved. In fact, it is because of the safety of this love that I feel liberated enough to express myself more openly to you, dear reader. Imagine if I, a pastor, didn’t have a supportive and loving community: I would pretty much have to remain anonymous for some of what I write, wouldn’t I? So, what other suggestions or advice or dangers might be noted in regards to this? Feel free to comment.

thought

Previous Post

February 26, 2008

cartoon: changing places

Next Post

February 28, 2008 cartoon: jesus lends a helping hand

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category art cartoons cartoons 2 freebie music one minute message podcast Sophia teaching technology thought

Select a Month February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006 August 2006 July 2006 June 2006 May 2006 March 2006 February 2006

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What is the Christian teaching about caring for the poor?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Seek only own wealth Ignore the poor Help those in need Never give