It’s Not So Much That You Want To Die

Last updated on: January 13, 2007 at 9:21 pm by David Hayward

It’s Not So Much That You Want To Die 2007-01-13T21:21:18-04:00 David Hayward

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Mary Bell from Orlando, Florida, wrote this poetically written letter to me following the post about my friend taking his own life this past Monday. I received her permission to post it here because I thought it was an honest and accurate picture into her own struggle. Even though each one is unique, this is her story:

I’m so sorry.
I commented, but wanted to say more:
I have had bouts of suicidal moments.
I understand the reasonings of the wanting to leave.
it’s not so much that you want to die
it’s that you just can’t continue to live.
not as things are.
and the Lies weigh so much more than the trues.
they are so convincing
and it’s just so hard to see anything BUT said Lies.
and all you want is the pain to stop
to ease
to get a breath
because your lungs are exploding
and the only thing you can come up with is death.
“death will stop this. and nothing else will. because I’ve tried everything else.”
basically, it’s a failure of imagination.
people say it’s very selfish.
and maybe so.
but I always hate hearing that.
I don’t want to think of myself as selfish.
but
if I am.
well
I am
aren’t I.
I am still breathing oxygen because Jesus has staid my hand
and held my hand
even there
even then
and
I’m happy to report
it’s been almost a year without my hand reaching for that comforting blankey of “then I will just kill myself!”
not physically making a plan – but the emotional comfort of going to that place of “I should just die. that will solve it!”
but I know just how it feels to see no other options.
to be at your end of answers.
so
if I could be of any assist
I am happy to.
I’m really sorry you all have this to go through.
it totally stinks.
for real.

Previous Post

January 13, 2007

Are You There?

Next Post

January 14, 2007 Good Luck and Good Night

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category art cartoons cartoons 2 freebie music one minute message podcast Sophia teaching technology thought

Select a Month February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006 August 2006 July 2006 June 2006 May 2006 March 2006 February 2006

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

And my God will meet all your ____ according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Select your answer to see how you score.

Dreams Needs Hopes Prayers