The Terror Debate, In Heavy Metal

Last updated on: March 27, 2017 at 8:47 am by Khwaja Khusro Tariq

The Terror Debate, In Heavy Metal 2017-03-27T08:47:10-04:00 Khwaja Khusro Tariq

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This article is cross-posted from the author’s blog on Huffington Post.

The Queen of Hearts has summoned the “Council of the Curiouser” for an emergency session to discuss the scourge of LOCO OSIRIS, a mysterious group that has killed thousands in Wonderland.

Among those present are the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, the White Rabbit, the psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, Propishchin (Protagonist of Gogol’s “Diary of a Mad Man”), Cassandra (from the “Oresteia” of Aeschylus) and a mysterious hooded figure who calls himself “Prophet of the Subaltern”.

All are seated around a large table which is arranged for a tea-party. The head of the Cheshire Cat hangs suspended behind the Queen. The Dormouse is sleeping on the table.

White Rabbit: (Looks at his pocket watch, his whiskers twitch nervously) Your majesty; honorable members of the Council; we are hear to discuss the matter of LOCO OSIRIS. We are no longer safe on our streets, in our schools or in our homes. These savages will not stop till they have either vanquished us or have converted us to heavy metal.
Queen of Hearts: Off with their heads!
White Rabbit: Your majesty, we don’t do that anymore, remember.
Queen of Hearts: (Scowls) Yes, which is probably why we have this problem in the first place. Well, can we cluster-bomb them? Drone them? Torture them?
Cheshire Cat: Your majesty I suggest all three.
White Rabbit: But Your Majesty, we don’t know their exact location and they hide among the people of many head-banging nations.
Queen of Hearts: Well, let’s bomb all those countries. We didn’t need a meeting to decide that.
White Rabbit: But many head-bangers are innocent people Your Majesty. And it will turn all head-bangers against us.
Cheshire Cat: Head-bangers are a thoroughgoing cult of death. Heavy metal is the motherlode of bad ideas. We are at war with all of Heavy Metal.
Sigmund Freud: The problem is the Heavy Metal neurosis. This need to believe in a music that is eternal and unbounded by human restraints serves only Thanatos. This futile attempt to sublimate Oedipus impulses with snare drums, distortion pedals and operatic vocals yields only destruction.
Prophet of the Subaltern: What about those who do not believe in Heavy Metal and the Divinity of Judas Priest? What’s going on with their Oedipal Complexes?
Freud: Hmmm..funny, I never thought about that.
Prophet of the Subaltern: I mean, do you think your conflicted relationship with your father may have something to do with your lack of belief in the existence of Judas Priest?
Freud: Never thought about that either. (Looks thoughtful).
Prophet of the Subaltern: I wonder why…
Cassandra: (shrieks, her eyes roll up showing only the whites) I see an army, all dressed in black. They have the faces of wolves and claws at the end of each hand. They ride on horseless carriages. Wait..I see something written on these ghastly metal chariots..I see ‘Ford!’…I see ‘F’…I see ‘250’..and a bumper sticker! It says, Oh heavens it says “God listens to Slayer”… (she faints).
Freud: Hmm..the wolves may represent genitalia. I had a patient once, I called him the Wolf Man…
March Hare: It’s them, it’s LOCO OSIRIS!(Jumps on the table and starts dunking the dormouse into the teapot).
Mad Hatter: Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Freud: Why do you think a raven is like a writing desk?
Mad Hatter: What the hell. Alice always fell for that one.
Freud: Hah! You would want that wouldn’t you, for her to fall…right out of her innocence.
March Hare: Stop talking about sex you dirty old man. (Dunks Dormouse furiously in teapot).
Freud: Your aggression towards the Dormouse and repeatedly thrusting him into the the teapot clearly demonstrates sexual repression.
March Hare: (Drops Dormouse in teapot, brings a couch over and lies down next to Freud) I think it all began when Lewis Carroll took me and Alice on a boat ride…
Propishchin: Can anyone tell that dog over there to stop talking to me? (Points at an empty spot on the table). He keeps telling me to rock and roll all night and party every day. He also tells me that other bands play but Manowar kills.
Cheshire Cat: You fool, dogs don’t talk.
Propishchin: Listen, I may be mad but you have to understand you are a disembodied feline head.Coming from you that’s just not very convincing.
White Rabbit: (Nervously, looks at his pocket watch) Please ladies and gentlemen. Focus on the problem at hand.
Queen of Hearts: You’re all a bunch of pansies. Off with their heads!
Mad Hatter: Not while this tea-party is still going on, remember?(Fishes Dormouse out of teapot, pours everyone a cup of tea)
Queen of Hearts: (Scowls) I forgot about that. Well it has to stop one day Hatter. And then it’s off with your head!
Cassandra: (Stirs, sits up, shrieks again) The Black Knights are gathered on a great field! The percussion of ZZ Top’s “Velcro Fly” resonates from the PA system! They eat Hummus! They drink from shiny metal vessels painted in strange colors with two words in a long forbidden arcane tongue…the words are…the words are…Bebsi Cola! Wait, what? (Cassandra faints again).
Freud: Poor girl, has a textbook case of hysteria. Sexually repressed of course. I am willing to take her under my care.
Prophet of the Subaltern: Yes, you do prefer them “jung and easily freudened” as Joyce put it.
Freud: You know all the characters in “Finnegan’s Wake” were se…
March Hare: (Gets up) Let me guess, sexually repressed. Come on! Stop talking about sex. Do you know what the estrus cycle of the average Jill is these days? Don’t keep telling me what I already know.
Prophet of the Subaltern: Sigmund do you realize how much you project?
Queen of Hearts: I’ve had enough of this nonsense. Tell me what to do about this LOCO OSIRIS.
Cheshire Cat: Your Majesty we must profile everyone who listens to Heavy Metal. We must waterboard them for good measure. We must ditch Heavy Metal for good. While rap lyrics are worse only Head-Bangers take the words of the Metal Gods literally. The ones you see humming love ballads by the Scorpions and Def Leppard are only ingratiating themselves with us to make way for the Mastodon and Slipknot fans.
Prophet of the Subaltern: Heavy Metal has been around for fifty years. Most head-bangers are not violent. Most coexist peacefully wherever they are. Research has consistently shown that failed states, divisive leadership, sociopolitical injustice and the repeated use of violence as a tool of administration by the state are what lead to problems like LOCO OSIRIS.
Cheshire Cat: You’re a Heavy Metal apologist. You are enabling LOCO OSIRIS by refusing to admit that Heavy Metal is dangerous and the root cause of terrorism. It is your belief in the infallibility of Maynard James Keenan and Rob Halford that makes your people so dangerous.
Prophet of the Subaltern: And how does that work? I would say you are making head-bangers angry by blaming Heavy Metal for LOCO OSIRIS. You’re making them feel they have only two choices-give up Metal altogether or be lumped with LOCO. Angry and scared people make easy recruits.
Cheshire Cat: You’re nothing but a terrorist sympathizer. And is that a Skid Row T-Shirt? Your Majesty he is a head-banger. They have reached our gates.
Queen of Hearts: Off with his head!

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