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Piecing Together the Puzzle of the Future – As a Family

Piecing Together the Puzzle of the Future – As a Family

Last updated on: April 25, 2017 at 8:08 pm by Dilshad Ali

Piecing Together the Puzzle of the Future – As a Family 2017-04-25T20:08:37-04:00 Dilshad Ali

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Baba and his sons, walking at a local shopping mall.

This is Day 24 of the Ali Family #AutismTruths – April 24, 2017

Dear Family,

I came home from a long medical appointment the other day and walked into the house. D and his Baba were sitting on the stairs – D behind his Baba, arms and legs wrapped around him. He was digging his chin into his Baba’s head, slapping him on the shoulders with his hands (rather hard) and literally covering him with the kind of affection you usually don’t see between a near-17-year-old and his Dad.

As we are wont to do in these days, I whipped out my phone and took a series of photos. It was too precious and endearing not to document. There was a level of love and affection between them that I almost felt uncomfortable watching – like it should be private unto them. An unfiltered bond of fatherly-son love that is hard to find in the teenage mindset, even more so in the Desi (South Asian) teenage-and-dad mindset.

Baba – Okay D, okay D. Be gentle. I love you, too.

D – Na-ha-ha!

No words were needed, really. Just love.

**********

H is playing on the iPad on the sofa, some Star Wars game when D comes and flops his nearly his adult body on the sofa, burying his head into H’s lap.

H – Hey! D Bhai! I’m playing a game here!

D – Na-ha-ha!

He hugs H’s legs and tries to climb on top of him, which is rather overwhelming when you compare D’s size with H’s. But, H is laughing though, putting his iPad aside.

H – D Bhai! Stop! Stop (but he really doesn’t want him to stop)! You sit up!

D sits up and H climbs into his lap and hugs him. They rock back and forth and then commence the body slapping game, where D slaps his shoulder, then H slaps his shoulder. Then D slaps H’s leg (all the while I’m calling out – gentle! Gentle!), and H claps his hands on D’s shoulders.

There is laughter, giggling and comradery between two brothers whom I worried would never figure out a relationship with each other. H has always been so much physically smaller then D and never could quite figure out his older brother. For years, he felt some hesitation in approaching D, not sure how D would react.

But D gravitates to H so much now. There is a bro-love between them that surpasses the typical bro bonds of sports, video games or whatever activities brothers engage in these days. There is an erasure of the age difference, an unfiltered kind of affection that flows between two boys who seek each other’s smiles.

**********

A complains a lot these days that her D Bhai doesn’t like her anymore. She calls out to him randomly – D Bhai, come give me a hug! He completely ignores her, walking past her with a sly smile on his face like he knows exactly what he is doing. She is offended, even when I explain that it’s a rare 16-year-old who shows affection and hugs his annoying 13-year-old little sister – autism or no autism.

D Bhai doesn’t love me anymore, she half-heartedly complains. But we both know that isn’t true. There’s the original bonded relationship, the one of a two-year-old girl and her five-year-old older brother engaging in sibling therapy at his autism school, where he was encouraged to hold her hand and walk around the school, share crayons with her as they colored in coloring books and engage in other types of play.

There’s was the relationship that I saw falling apart in the early years, with D lost in his own world and ignoring that he had a baby sister. But as he grew and responded to various therapies, he started taking note of her. They shared a bedroom, though he had so much difficulty sleeping at night. She never complained about his wakefulness.

She took some hard knocks from him but never let that stop her from being that little sister he needed – calling him D Bhai with proper respect, though often she took on the role of elder sibling in household and family responsibilities.

D Bhai, come here, she calls to her brother. He comes over and stands in front of her – two strong, tall young teenagers on the verge of adulthood. She puts her hands together, and they play the handclapping game – clapping each other’s hands in a sort of private sibling game that no one else can play.

A sort of unfiltered bond of affection between brother and sister, the mark of what I pray is a lifetime of sibling love and companionship.

**********

What will their future be? There are no definitive answers, despite all the research, plans and prayers I put forth. As D grows older, will A and H take over as his primary support in helping make sure his finances are in order, his medical needs are met and that the world is doing right by him? Will they help him manage his autism living? I tell my husband, D is not the responsibility of A and H. D is our responsibility.

But also, D is his own person.

I do expect, however, for these three siblings to stay in each other’s lives in some way, shape or form.

I pray for the love to remain unfiltered, real and beautiful.

I pray for them not to feel burdened (I hate that word) by each other. I pray for us, as parents, to help D figure out a good adult life – the most difficult puzzle of all to piece together, one in which I pray all five of us put together the corner pieces, then the border pieces and then the troublesome middle pieces in our search for a complete, functional, independent, peaceful and love-filled life for D and for us all.

With Love,

Autism Awareness Month 2017

#autismtruths

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As Moms, Do We Care for Ourselves?

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