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Make His a Life of Ease

Make His a Life of Ease

Last updated on: April 28, 2017 at 7:04 pm by Dilshad Ali

Make His a Life of Ease 2017-04-28T19:04:56-04:00 Dilshad Ali

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This is Day 22 of the Ali Family #AutismTruths – April 22, 2017

Dear God,

It seems almost silly to write to you when you know my inner most secrets before even I realize them. But this all seems like a cosmic joke sometimes, one in which I’m the only one who doesn’t get the punchline and that it’s all going to be just fine if I learn to smile along more.

You’ve been patient with me, more patient then I probably deserve. And you’ve taken it upon Yourself, in Your divine wisdom to give me the children, husband, responsibilities and life that You know is right for me. You’ve entrusted me with three precious children, one whom needs infinitely more support, with the knowledge that their Baba and I can raise them well, teach them well, and keep them on siraat ul mustaqeen.

But how do you know this? I am full of uncertainty.

I guess that’s why You’re Allah and I’m, well, me.

As Muslims — and arguably as Christians, Jews and any other monotheistic-heaven-and-hell-believing group of people – we are taught to be good in this life – pour good into this world, live a life between the faith and the worldly (deen and dunya) and obey that which You have decreed for us. This life is but a test, and chasing after worldly successes purely for the sake of worldly success will bring us nothing when we are lying in our graves.

It is only our good deeds we’ll take with us to the reckoning.

So yes, I buy into that — mind, body and soul. I believe this life is temporary, and something better awaits us should we pass this cosmic test. In a way, I must believe this, if I am to make any minute amount of sense of what has been D’s life journey thus far.

He is, to me, the embodiment of siraat ul mustaqeen, without ever having prostrated in salah (prayer) to you, or ever having fasted in Ramadan. Without ever giving anything to charity or done any of the ritualistic and faith-imbibed things we do to worship You and ground ourselves in humility.

And, I see what you’ve done here. Through making me his and his brother and sister’s mother, you have changed my life’s journey, my path of resistance and belief. You have taught me vastly important lessons on humanity, faith, respect, equality, modesty, hard work and gratitude. I cannot say how well I’ve learned them or adhered to them, but it’s an evolving journey.

You have been patient with me, so patient. Especially now, these past few years as I’ve struggled to find sense in it all, find my way forward, find that gratitude that really should be there, You’re still (I hope) welcoming of me and forgiving of me.

Because I still struggle with the questions I’ve always had. I wish I could have that iman, that conviction of solid faith that allows others to be freer of doubts and more accepting (while still fighting) of whatever challenges and hardships come their way. But maybe mine path is to be a constant struggle and a constant turmoil.

I just ask of you not to make D’s struggles a test for me. If I am to learn by helping D through his immense challenges and difficulties, then in my small, stunted way of thinking – I must say that autism, as it is manifested in him, is enough. Please don’t add on to it. The nighttime anxiety, aggression, medical issues, vision problems … it’s too much for him. At least, it seems that way to me.

He doesn’t need to be tested anymore then he already is. And, while I know I should trust in You and Your Divine Plan – while I desperately hold on to the fact that I simply am not meant to understand all the reasons of why things happen the way they do – this is something that weighs heavy in the pit of my being.

Make his a life of ease. Make his a life protected. Make his a life lived fully, with respect, peace and happiness.

Ameen.

Yours,

Dilshad

Autism Awareness Month 2017

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