Dear D – Help Me to Help You

Last updated on: April 8, 2017 at 9:55 pm by Dilshad Ali

Dear D – Help Me to Help You 2017-04-08T21:55:10-04:00 Dilshad Ali

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D spinning his beads. It’s magical.

This is Day Eight of the Ali Family #AutismTruths – April 8, 2017.

Dear D,

I can see you’re pulling your arms into your shirt, sometimes stuffing a pillow up the front. This evening we had biryani for dinner – your favorite – and you were in tears when we called you to dinner. We went for a walk before dinner and the entire time I could hear your shallow breathing, those signs of distress.

There has to be a way for you and me to figure each other out. I’ve spent a lifetime studying at your alter, learning you and trying to understand your triggers, your signs of anxiety, anger, distress or sickness. It’s a study that is constantly changing as you change, and I struggle to keep up.

One of the longest-running puzzles I have yet to figure out, yet to unlock, is why there is such a mood change in you as the night approaches. We call it your nighttime anxiety. There is alternate anger, sadness and anxiousness that often course through your veins in the evening hours.

In Ramadan, though I am as open as I can be about our autism living and the challenges that brings to you and all of us, I still get asked often enough why I’m not seen at Tarawih (night time) prayers at the prayer hall or mosque.

I respond – my Ramadan nights, my ibadat (worship) comes forth often as I sit with you in your bedroom on these rough nights. Often enough there is not much I can do for you – you don’t often don’t want to be touch or even want anyone near you. But, I can’t just leave you to work through it yourself, night after night.

So I sit in the corner of your room, scrolling through my phone and watching you. Sometimes I lose my temper out of frustration, and that’s not fair for you. Sometimes I speak harshly, and that’s not fair for you either. Because I know you cannot help whatever you are feeling.

Forgive me.

As corny as it sounds, D – help me to help you.

Love,

Your Mamma

Autism Awareness Month 2017

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