Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Muslimah Next Door

Home
Muslim
Ali Family Autism Truths #22 – The Double Standards

Ali Family Autism Truths #22 – The Double Standards

Last updated on: April 22, 2015 at 9:16 pm by Dilshad Ali

Ali Family Autism Truths #22 – The Double Standards 2015-04-22T21:16:04-04:00 Dilshad Ali

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

D, A and H, about two years ago.

April 22, 2015 – Autism Awareness Month, Autism Truths #22

At dinnertime this evening, my seven-year-old son H laid a good one one me. His older brother D, who had been sitting with the six of us at the dinner table plowing through his dinner, got up and left the table with a few more bites to go. We called him back – D, come and take another bite! He came back and protested, pushing my husband’s hand away as he tried to give him another spoonful.

One more bite, D – I said to him. So he reluctantly took one last bite and then ran downstairs.

That’s when H said, How come D Bhai gets to leave the table? How come he doesn’t have to finish his food all the time? You make me finish my food, and you always make me sit until I’m done eating?

I’ve heard this line of questioning from our 11-year-old daughter A before. In fact, this past year there have been a lot more questions and frustrations aired from her towards our differing parenting rules and choices regarding D and her and H. I suspect H’s question tonight was a repeat of what he has heard A say in the past few months.

Except with H, how do I explain the double standards to him, the differences in our rules as it pertains to what we’re trying to teach D with his autism, and what we’re trying to teach H and his sister? How do I explain that at times I do insist that D stay and finish the meal, but at other times, gauging the situation and how the day has been, I allow him to leave the table and circle back to finish? Or, if he outright refuses to finish the meal (and I want to avoid a meltdown in front of the other kids), I take his plate and feed him the rest?

How do I explain that yes, sometimes I don’t insist that D finish the entire meal at one go while most often I do insist that H and A finish their food, because as well as I can judge D’s appetite, I just can’t know for sure if he’s full, if his stomach hurts or if there is some other bodily reason why he needs a break from eating at this moment? I have explained much of this to the kids, and yet it still doesn’t make sense to them. I understand that. It’ll take time.

How do I explain that when D messes up something that belongs to A or H, especially when he goes into A’s bedroom and grabs any necklace she may have left out, or chews on a stuffed animal or burrows into her bed — that reprimanding him in the same fashion that I may reprimand her or her younger brother doesn’t work? I do reprimand D, but it isn’t the same. We have locks installed on both the kids’ doors, and we are constantly reminding them to lock their rooms when they are not in there. After a few months of reminding and after A still complained about her stuff getting messed up — we laid down the law. On A.

You have a lock on your door. There is a reason we put it there. We have told you time and time again to lock your room We will continue to instruct D not to mess up your stuff, and if we find him in there, we will ask him to leave your room. But you are responsible now.

I see her getting upset. She’s been playing the it’s-not-fair-because-of-autism card on us a lot more this year, and H sometimes follow suit. I expect it. I alternately indulge their questions and sympathize with them, and at other times I simply say – you know why. I know you know why. But, how much do they understand, though I explain as best possible? They are kids. It’s natural. It’s tough. Inside I seethe sometimes — you want to complain to me about double standards? How about how you can TALK, and your brother can’t? How about how you have friends, and your brother doesn’t? How about how you travel on a plane with ease and we took you guys to India, but we couldn’t take your brother?

But it is what it is. I can’t say those things to them. Not yet, anyway. Maybe not ever — not in quite those words. And, in a different world, things would be, well, different. But this is our world. This is our autism life. These are our double standards, for better or for worse.

In past conversations with friends and with my mom, I’ve spoken firmly about how I loved most everything about how my parents raised my brother and I — we were Muslims growing up in a town were there were no Muslims, no Islamic schools, no Sunday schools, no Islamic textbooks, no Internet. Everything we learned, we learned from our parents, and they did their best by us. My only complaint is the double standards they had between me and my two brothers — there was a lot more my brothers were allowed to do than I. A lot. Because they were Muslim boys, and I was a Muslim girl.

And God bless my parents — they did a lot for us, and they made the best decisions they could. I respect and admire them for all of it. But the double standards between boys and girls was something I vowed I’d do differently with my kids.

And yet here we are — with double standards. Except they are autism ones. And the truth is — it’s tough on A and H. And they are good, good kids. But it’s tough. And they question us. And they resent it at times. Maybe I’m not making the best of choices. I try to show that things are as even as possible between all of the kids, but it’s not. Not by a long shot.

And that truth is hard to live with.

Autism Interlude

#autismtruths

Ali Family Autism Truths

Previous Post

April 21, 2015

Ali Family Autism Truths #21 - The Most Vulnerable

Next Post

April 23, 2015 Ali Family Autism Truths #23 - What is God's Truth in All This?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category A Global Voice for Autism Autism Awareness Month 2016 Autism Awareness Month 2017 Autism Interlude Hajj and Eid ul Adha Jenin Autism Project Ramadan Three Questions Uncategorized WISE Global Conference

Select a Month November 2018 October 2018 August 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

In 2 Thessalonians, what does Paul say the man of lawlessness will proclaim himself to be?

Select your answer to see how you score.

God A prophet King of the world The Messiah