Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Muslimah Next Door

Home
Muslim
Fatherly (Baba-erly) Appreciation

Fatherly (Baba-erly) Appreciation

Last updated on: June 14, 2013 at 4:09 pm by Dilshad Ali

Fatherly (Baba-erly) Appreciation 2013-06-14T16:09:12-04:00 Dilshad Ali

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

The husband and I celebrated our 14th anniversary last week. We continue to (Alhamdulillah) defy the odds of marriages that break up under the stress of dealing with special needs, and is because of compromises we’ve made, respect and support we give each other, how we own various duties and roles in our lives and because we have tremendous family support.

Our family works, in large part, because of him and what he’s given up/taken on/gained/lost/learned/unlearned/adapted/loved/changed and everything in between.

This Sunday there will be the rash of Happy Father’s Day messages on social media. Many BBQs will be had, ties will be given, and adult kids will call their fathers and send cards and engage in all sorts of perfunctory forms of celebration.

I want to take some time here and send some appreciation to my kids’ Baba – the guy who goes to the mat for them – by highlighting some of why he’s not just a great autism dad, is an all-rounder blue-ribbon dad.

He rolls with the punches: We live by a motto of risk assessment, escape routes, and getting things done fast when we are out with the kids. He is a master at sticking to the game plan – we all sit in the car to run errands or attempt an activity, and the first thing he’ll say is “What do we need to do first? What’s the order of business?” And that’s what we’ll do.

He has helped me realize some practical, hard-learned parenting lessons: We need to push Lil D when he needs pushing and respect his need to retreat when necessary.

Four years back we took Lil D to the last family wedding. Up until then we would take turns doing “Lil D duty” at our big Indian-Muslim weddings, or we would hire a therapist/baby sitter to come with us, or hire an on-site babysitter to help. It all resulted in loads of money spent and still a large amount of stress – and for what? So we could be together at weddings or functions where Lil D faced sensory overload and a very difficult break from his routine?

Four years ago was the last time the seven of us (husband, kids and I and my in-laws) went on a long trip where we all drove together in our van. After that last trip, when we reached our destination and I showed my husband my bruise-filled arms from all of Lil D’s pinches at being stuck in such a small space – we decided no more. We take two cars, or we don’t do it at all.

My husband made those executive decisions when I still harbored the notion that we could do it. That we should do it – go to every family function or event or party and social engagement as a whole family. He was the one who made it clear to me that being a fractured family, as hurtful as it feels at times, is something we must do to ensure the wellbeing of Lil D and the wellbeing and enjoyment of our other children (and ourselves).

He gets down and dirty with no qualms: We come from a Desi (Indian-Pakistani-South Asian) culture, where gender roles still come into play often. My mother-in-law tells us stories of how her father-in-law ruled their family (with fairness and love, but still ruled the family) and how her whole-soul job was to care for kids and husband. No one does “khatar” (caring for others) like her. My husband is her only son, her pride and joy, and she always envisioned him living a life as a well-respected doctor and the head of his house as well (You know, house is clean and children with their hair neatly combed, dinner table set and everything nice when he comes home.)

Well, he is a well-respected doctor, but we head this household together. I respect him and all the hard work he does, everything he does for our family, and he does the same for me. But let’s face it – we are a special needs family. We are parents to three children with very individual needs and learning curves. We have a nearly 13-year-old son, autistic, non-verbal with a myriad of issues. When he has a bowel movement, you have to clean him (I’ll spare you the details) or else he will come downstairs with poop on his fingers and clothes, and our other kids will report, “Bhai (Lil D) is stinky!”

Their Baba comes home from a tough day at the hospital seeing patients, performing procedures and making life-altering decisions, and he automatically switches gears when he enters the house – he will clean Lil D up after a BM, or he will help him bathe. He will supervise Lil D at dinnertime so I can get the other kids fed. He’ll throw the garbage out because it’s the one household chore I told him at the start of our marriage that I hated doing. When we are following special diets for the kids, he’ll eat whatever they eat because I have no time and energy to cook different meals.

The point is that we all want respect, and we all want to be cared for. I try to do that for him, but we both realize ours is a life where we both need to get down and dirty. There are things we do for Lil D that our friends who don’t deal with autism or special needs would never believe. But that’s what you have to do. And he does it.

He is a firm believer in that we are all important: Not just Lil D, not just him, not just my in-laws. All of us. He sees when I am drowning and encourages me to take breaks. And I do that for him. We travel together. We travel apart, we do things individually with one of our children, we do things all together and we do things alone.

I know very few fathers in our Desi community who say to their wives: “Go by yourself. You need a break from all this. Several times I have taken the younger kids and traveled to Texas to visit my brother, and he stayed back with Lil D. (And they both love spending that one-on-one time together) Or, this weekend I want to visit a dear friend who has flown in from the West coast and is visiting her family two hours away from where we live. As I’ve been plotting various ways I can do this (take all the kids, take one kid), he said to me – go alone and have fun. The kids and I will party here.

So yeah, we’ll BBQ, and we’ll give him some gifts on Sunday, but my real wish is for his children to realize how good they’ve got it with him. My wish is that he should always be blessed by Allah (swt) and rewarded for all the goodness he does, all the goodness he is.

My wish is for Lil D to look at him in the eyes and say with meaning, “Baba.

Previous Post

June 11, 2013

It's Not Just About You

Next Post

June 18, 2013 This is Not the Way - Reflecting on the Death of Alex Spourdalakis

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category A Global Voice for Autism Autism Awareness Month 2016 Autism Awareness Month 2017 Autism Interlude Hajj and Eid ul Adha Jenin Autism Project Ramadan Three Questions Uncategorized WISE Global Conference

Select a Month November 2018 October 2018 August 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

True or False: Luke's Gospel is dedicated to someone named Theophilus.

Select your answer to see how you score.

FALSE TRUE