Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Mostly Muslim

Home
About
Faith & Spirituality
Personal/Life
- Reflections
Society & Culture
- Dealing with Others
- Women
Archive

Home
Muslim
Empathy Re-Visited: 5 Things That Empathy Is NOT

Empathy Re-Visited: 5 Things That Empathy Is NOT

Last updated on: December 26, 2019 at 9:32 am by Iman

Empathy Re-Visited: 5 Things That Empathy Is NOT 2019-12-26T09:32:03-06:00 Iman

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Empathy seems like a very basic concept which comes naturally to many people, but the way we express it towards others is often flawed. It’s a skill which needs to be taught and fostered, even if some degree of it is already within us.

Here are 5 common mistakes that people make when trying to empathize:

1. Making Assumptions

It’s never a good idea to say something like, “What’s the big deal?” or “It’s not so bad.” You don’t know the other person’s entire life story or situation. Don’t assume that they shouldn’t be feeling a certain way based on limited knowledge. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes is a vital empathy skill, and you don’t have to know everything about someone’s issue to do put yourself in their shoes. Empathy just requires identifying with their feelings. When someone is in need of empathy, it doesn’t matter what their circumstances are – they are hurting, and a dismissal of their feelings is the last thing they should be experiencing.

2. Giving Advice

This usually comes in the form of, “Trying doing ‘x’. It really helped me/my friend” or “Did you try ___?” Empathy and advice-giving are two different practices. Empathy involves relating to the feelings of someone else, not trying to fix their problem. I know, it’s really tempting to give advice in those moments. And oftentimes, it’s our way of showing that we care about the other person in an attempt to take them out of their misery. But advice should only be given if the person’s feelings have already been acknowledged and they have made it clear that they are open to hearing your opinions and suggestions.

3. “I Know How You Feel”

Even if you have been through a similar situation, you don’t know exactly how the other person feels. We’ve all been on the receiving end of this statement at some point, and a common response or thought after hearing it is, “No, you don’t.” Truly, every person’s emotional experience is unique. Rather than saying “I know how you feel,” try, “This must be difficult/painful/devastating/etc.” or any number of more effective empathetic statements.

4. Trying to guilt them out of their feelings

Obviously, someone somewhere is going through a worse situation, but there is no need to say it when the other person is in pain. Yes, reminders that invoke feelings of gratitude are great, as gratitude often leads to improved mood and life satisfaction. But expecting a person to disregard their feelings is the opposite of empathy, even if you think they should be grateful that their situation is not worse. Empathy should come first, and then, when the time is right and the relationship feels solid, a gentle reminder of gratitude may be warranted.

A similar type of guilt is pushed on a person when they are told to forgive the one who hurt them. This is an extremely personal and sensitive subject, and should be treated as such. Reminders about forgiveness are best delivered from a trusted loved one (again, after empathy is already there, and it is definitely dependent on the severity of the situation).

5. Using Religion to invalidate their feelings

This can be a tricky one to navigate, because some people really do emotionally benefit from religious reminders. It might help them to know that their loved one is in a better place, or that God will not test them beyond what they can handle. Maybe a reminder to pray or cry to God is just what they need. But again, this is not empathy. Empathy should always come first, and if the relationship is solid and the setting seems correct, a relevant religious reminder or statement might be the cherry on top. However, when religion is unduly forced on a grieving or hurting person at a time when they are just craving validation, understanding, and human connection, it can actually be damaging – even if they are generally a religious person.

These are just a few basic “don’ts” of empathy, and there may be even more. The main thing to remember when trying to empathize with someone is to listen, acknowledge and validate their feelings, and be supportive.

Follow Mostly Muslim on Facebook HERE.

Want your voice to be heard? JOIN OUR TEAM or send your guest submission to [email protected]! Visit the “Contribute to MM” page for more details.

Dealing with Others

Society & Culture

dealing with others

Previous Post

February 24, 2018

How I Cope With the Good and Bad of Life

Next Post

March 4, 2018 True Beauty Is Soul Deep, Not Skin Deep

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Afterlife Culture Dealing with Others English Faith & Spirituality Inspiration Letters to the Ummah Personal / Life Poetry Ramadan Reality Check Reflections Relationships Religion Society & Culture Uncategorized Urdu Women

Select a Month September 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 January 2020 December 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 March 2016 November 2015 October 2015 June 2015 May 2015 February 2015 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What Christian group commonly uses the Book of Common Prayer?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Presbyterians Anglicans Methodists Lutherans