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My Father Died this Week… Dealing with Grief

My Father Died this Week… Dealing with Grief

Last updated on: August 24, 2017 at 7:06 pm by Natasha Helfer

My Father Died this Week… Dealing with Grief 2017-08-24T19:06:16-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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It’s always a struggle to know how much to share about one’s own personal life as a mental health provider. On the one hand, we don’t want our own stories getting in the way of our client’s. On the other, we want to role model things like vulnerability, honesty and openness (the very things our clients bravely do every day in our offices). So I’m writing today about the death of my father this week.

This was the announcement I made on Facebook alerting friends and family: After battling polycythemia vera for almost 25 years, my dad lost the battle to this bone marrow/blood disorder early this morning. It’s been a very challenging time to see this strong, independent man slowly weaken. Aging and disease are pretty much just awful. At the same time, my dad was an example of perseverance, strength and making the most of what we have when we have it. He sneaked around my mom and rode a bike just last summer. He skied with us this past Christmas, even if just for a few runs. He loved living. He loved intellectual pursuits. He loved us. So much of my spirit for adventure and learning I owe to him. It was a peaceful passing with my mother and all my siblings present either in person or by phone. Thank you to all who have and will reach out to us. I am grateful to have loving family and friends who support me/us. I am hopeful that he is in a better place, embraced by loved ones of old. For the complexity of relationships… the hurt.. the love… the fights…the laughs… it just all comes down tonight to extreme sadness and missing my dad. His easy smile and laugh, his interest in my life, his pride in my kids, his hilarious one-liners, his amazing brain, and so much more.

Often in death, we honor the best parts of relationships… as I imagine is usually best. But like in pews, and pictures, and social gatherings… what we see is a small snippet of the entirety of a process. I had a complicated relationship with my dad. Things I honored… things I disliked greatly. Times I deeply enjoyed… times that were extremely difficult. Times he uplifted me… times he embarrassed me or hurt me. Times I wanted him to live forever… times I wanted him to die (mainly to relieve his pain and the cost his care was taking on my mother). And so now I’m left with this complex mess in my heart and my head as I sift through the many feelings and thoughts and memories that percolate on any given moment.

I want to offer a space here for the many who have lost a parent… That we can honor the complexity of the myriad of feelings that can come with the death of those who did (or didn’t) raise us – who loved us – who neglected us – who sacrificed for us – who possibly abused us… For some it can be the most tragic loss of their lives. For others, it can be a relief. For most it’s a complex mixture in-between. Are we able to share some of these things in the comments section? I would love to hear from you at this time in my life. What have you found helpful? What do you struggle with? What were you relieved about? Where did your grief lie? What complexities were part of your experience? How does your journey within Mormonism play a role in dealing with death (both from positive, neutral or negative lenses)?

I will make sure and monitor all comments so that we remain respectful of one another. This is not a place where we tell people how they “should” grieve… it’s a place where we can share personal experiences that have either helped or hurt us in our own learning processes.

Redemption Song

by KEVIN YOUNG

Finally fall.
At last the mist,
heat’s haze, we woke
these past weeks with

has lifted. We find
ourselves chill, a briskness
we hug ourselves in.
Frost greying the ground.

Grief might be easy
if there wasn’t still
such beauty — would be far
simpler if the silver

maple didn’t thrust
it’s leaves into flame,
trusting that spring
will find it again.

All this might be easier if
there wasn’t a song
still lifting us above it,
if wind didn’t trouble

my mind like water.
I half expect to see you
fill the autumn air
like breath —

At night I sleep
on clenched fists.
Days I’m like the child
who on the playground

falls, crying
not so much from pain
as surprise.
I’m tired of tide

taking you away,
then back again —
what’s worse, the forgetting
or the thing

you can’t forget.
Neither yet —
last summer’s
choir of crickets

grown quiet.

Natasha Helfer Parker, LCMFT, CST can be reached at natashaparker.org and runs an online practice, Symmetry Solutions, which focuses on helping families and individuals with faith concerns, sexuality and mental health. She hosts the Mormon Mental Health and Mormon Sex Info Podcasts, writes a regular column for Sunstone Magazine and is the current president of the Mormon Mental Health Association. She has over 20 years of experience working with primarily an LDS/Mormon clientele.

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