Review of “Ashamed No More”

Last updated on: September 14, 2012 at 10:33 pm by Natasha Helfer

Review of “Ashamed No More” 2012-09-14T22:33:05-05:00 Natasha Helfer

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Patheos invited me to review Ashamed No More by T. C. Ryan who writes about his own life experience battling sexual compulsive behavior from adolescence on while simultaneously serving his church as a senior pastor for 20 years. The first half of the book does a thorough job of describing the “set up” many religious people find themselves in as they strive to live the standards and principles of their faith – specifically by clarifying the relationship between inner shaming and the inescapable scenario of sin and brokenness we all find ourselves in. He speaks of a loving God who understands our weaknesses and loves us regardless. Yet, because there is such a focus on moral behavior within church communities, we can become paralyzed with shame instead of approaching our weaknesses from a more accepting space where God wants to walk with us on the journey of individual progress – instead of standing unattainably in front of us while we attempt to walk towards Him. “The thing that is really important to know about God is that he’s never ever surprised by our failures, our brokenness. Nor is he put out by it… So shame is toxic to strugglers, is a lie about who we really are and is something Jesus refused to apply to those he came to set free.”

Ryan speaks to the importance of understanding what drives compulsive behavior to begin with. He explains the roles unmet attachment needs, trauma, and neurobiology play in the development of poor coping skills people often adopt as a means of survival and pain avoidance. Often religious communities, instead of taking this empathic stance, perceive and treat known sinners as weak, selfish, and uncommitted to God – further isolating those who are in desperate need of a loving and supportive space to worship within.

Therefore, in the second half of the book, Ryan forces us to consider our own failings in applying the grace of Christianity, both as individuals and as a “church” which further exacerbate the problems we face in relation to unhealthy sexual behavior. One of his strongest statements which saddens him and saddens me to agree with is, “The church is often the least safe place to be a real person.” This is because of the unnecessary vilification some of our sinful behavior engenders. When the emphasis of “good Christian” living is focused so heavily on our behavior instead of our ongoing journey of self progression, it is difficult to reveal our weaknesses. Especially when they are met with disciplinary action, inability to continue serving in certain callings and accountability focused only on decreasing said behavior. He continues, “The biggest threat facing the church in America isn’t the erosion of ‘moral values’ in our culture. It isn’t the rampant drug use or the growing divide between upper and lower classes or encroaching relativism or foreign terrorists. The biggest threat is the hiding and pretending of those who make up the church. We aren’t honest about our failings.”

He challenges “the church” to put sexuality in proper perspective. Instead of elevating sexual sin above all others, again making it difficult for those who struggle to be sexually honest and open, we can adopt healthier attitudes and be willing to offer helpful sexual education. “Our behaviors do matter, and we can help each other understand why we have some of the impulses we have and what to do with the way we’ve been formed sexually as we’ve grown up. All these are natural and healthy issues that ought to be addressed in the spiritual community. When we do, we send the message to emerging generations that their sexuality is not something to be afraid of or ashamed of but is a powerful and wonderful gift from our Creator.”

There is only one thing I’d like to push back on. Ryan approaches the issue of sexual compulsion primarily from the lens of having some type of traumatic history. In my experience, I have worked with many members in the Mormon church who report being raised in loving families with no traumatic event occurring in the sense of what we may usually consider “trauma” (i.e. abuse, neglect, etc.). In these cases, I often find the “trauma” which has played a significant role to the individual’s inability to comfortably integrate their sexuality is the tremendous shame correlated to teachings of masturbation being sinful behavior. As long as Ryan and other ecclesiastical leaders take the stance that a normative part of human sexual development is wrong in the eyes of God, the negative effects of shame Ryan so eloquently describes in his book, will continue to fester within our communities.

Otherwise, I strongly appreciated Ryan’s willingness to share his personal story, his framing of information regarding sexual compulsion and the shame cycle, his respectful challenge to church organizations and Christian individuals, and his scripturally based perspectives regarding our relationship with a divine being who is willing to engage with us towards transcendence and wholeness.

Previous Post

September 10, 2012

"Doing your Wifely Duty"

Next Post

September 24, 2012 What if I want sex to hurt?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Abortion Abuse Addiction Adolescents Anger Anxiety BDSM Bipolar Disorder Body Image Boundaries Children Circumcision Civil Rights Consent COVID19-Coronavirus Death Depression Divorce Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Erectile Dysfunction Faith Crisis/Faith Transition Gender Identity Gender Roles Gospel Teachings Grief Homosexuality Infidelity LGBTQ LGBTQ+ Male Issues Marriage Masturbation Menopause Mental Health Mindfulness Miscarriage Missions Mixed-Faith Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Parenting Perfectionism Physical Abuse Physical Health Pornography Premature Ejaculation PTSD Race Relations Relationships Rest Righteousness Self Care Self Injury Self-Esteem Sexual Abuse Sexual Disorders Sexual Education Sexuality Single Adults Social Media Spirituality Suicide Survey Temple Issues Transgender Health Trauma Uncategorized Violence Women's Issues Word of Wisdom

Select a Month September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 December 2018 November 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 July 2015 February 2015 January 2015 November 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 April 2014 February 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 May 2012 April 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

True or False: Romans teaches that all Israel will be saved.

Select your answer to see how you score.

FALSE TRUE