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The Mormon Therapist

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Self Hate

Self Hate

Last updated on: November 30, 2011 at 9:19 am by Natasha Helfer

Self Hate 2011-11-30T09:19:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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The following poem is written (and published with permission) by one of my clients who is working through many difficult issues: severe childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence and infidelity during a brief marriage, raising a child as a single mother, depression, social anxiety, chronic pain and obesity.

We have been exploring her relationship with her body. I asked her to look herself in the mirror while nude and honestly assess how she sees herself – what she says to herself. This poem is what she came up with. I wanted to share her words in hopes of reaching out to others who feel similarly about themselves. I see so many men and women that are caught in the patterns of self-destructive dialogue within their own minds. For this client, being able to own her feelings and process for herself is a significant step in her ability to stop or reframe the critical voices in her head. The parts that were most poignant to me are 1 – when she asks how a body (or spirit for that matter) can thrive in an atmosphere of hate? and 2 – when she recognizes that self-hate has done a type of damage different from her perpetrators’. I appreciate her vulnerability and her willingness to share such personal thoughts on a public forum such as this one.

I stand and look in the mirror

Pure disgust my only thought

I see every scar, every roll, every mark of cellulite

And hate

Hate

Every part of my body

No limb is exempt

The arms and hands that lifted my son,

Now struggle to lift themselves

The feet, the legs that carried me through life

Now just pain when I stand

Back stooped, stomach cramped, shoulders tight

An old woman before my time, betrayed by joints and organs

But my body does not receive all my hate, or even most

The person within does not escape ridicule

How can a body thrive in hate?

Abused and despised, denied what it needs,

It collapses

This body that has carried me through abuse and pain

Done its best to protect what’s inside

Raped, beat, and neglected – it has survived

Poked, prodded, and cut open – it has survived

Carrying me through life beyond all expectations

Beyond all attempts otherwise – it has survived

But life has taken its toll

Things start breaking down in the face of hate

Not just external, but internal

The destruction and hatred of any image of itself

The disgust, revoltingness, and shame when forced to acknowledge it is there

Self-hate and abuse have done what could not be accomplished by others

Is there any hope of recovery?

I do not know

Not able to see past the disgust to even see hope

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