Is my marriage out of my hands?

Last updated on: August 17, 2011 at 2:08 pm by Natasha Helfer

Is my marriage out of my hands? 2011-08-17T14:08:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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Soon after we married 26 yrs ago, my husband changed, literally overnight, 180° and has never been the same. He went from a happy, engaging husband to a brooding, depressed roommate. He was upset and miserable about everything. He doubted the church and 4 yrs later left the church. It was difficult understanding his disaffection but I tried to be accepting and accommodating. It was heartbreaking and challenging, but I loved him and wanted him to be happy. Over the years he has continued to withdraw emotionally and sexually. He has serious bouts of depression and rage. It’s not directed at me and there’s no physical abuse. Even so, his anger and despair are often more than I can handle.
It’s been years since he’s initiated lovemaking. At first it was just temporary disinterest. But the bouts of disinterest have lengthened and deepened. Having three kids and a couple serious injuries I struggle with being overweight. I’ve honestly tried hard to lose weight. I’m not horribly fat—at least not Biggest Loser fat. If I lost 70 lbs I’d be at my ideal weight. He assures me that my weight is not a problem for him (he’s struggled with obesity, reaching 350 lbs for a while), that he actually likes women with “a little meat on their bones.” I know that part of my problem with food is that it is the one physical pleasure I can have, though not near as fun as sex. I know this is not healthy and I want to break this emotional connection with food. Feb of this year we made a deal that we would make love each time that I lost 20 lbs. It took me nearly 3 months to lose 20 lbs. But he won’t make love to me. He won’t even hold me or rub my back. I haven’t gained the weight back and I’m still determined to lose more. But that’s it. I’m done trying for physical love. What good is physical intimacy if I have to beg or bargain for it? I’d even be OK without it if there were still emotional intimacy. But the only emotions he can display are anger or despair. Once in a while, maybe every 4-5 months I get my old husband—the man I fell in love with—back for a day or two. But it’s always too short lived and I mourn what I’ve lost.
Years ago I suggested counseling. He reluctantly agreed, but then refused to go. I went a few times, but really how much can you do when you go by yourself? I’ve often suggested counseling since then—both couple and individual. He says there’s nothing anyone can say to make things better. He will freely admit to everything I’ve told you but says it’s all perfectly normal for someone whose life is as horrible as his is. It’s true that he’s had several big disappointments, but except for his toxic upbringing, the majority of the hard knocks were his making.
I understand that depression is an illness. I get it, I do. He also has Type 2 diabetes but he refuses to treat it. I know diabetes is a contributing factor to his low libido. You don’t leave someone because they are sick. But I really don’t know how to deal with his illness much less its impact on our relationship and me. He holds all the cards. Counseling? Doesn’t need it. And anyway, it wouldn’t help. No sex? Doesn’t need it, he’s getting old, what do you expect? This is normal. Anger or depressed? You’d be angry or depressed too if you had his life.
I have virtually no outside support. Our families live far away and his family is pretty toxic. Because of his disaffection, our church family is indifferent at best, at times even hostile. Outside of our marriage I really do have a happy and, some would say, successful life. But it has become increasingly difficult to hold it all together. I had no say in his disaffection, no say when he quit diabetes treatment, no say when he lost interest in sex, no say in how he handles his emotions. He decides and my feelings are not a factor for him. He knows I’m sad and he’s sorry for it but says there’s nothing he can do. This is what life has dealt him and I just have to accept it. If this really is all that’s left to me, I’ll make the best of it. I feel it’s out of my hands, but is it really?

Lots of thoughts and your question has many dimensions, so here goes my best attempt:

No, your marriage is not out of your hands! You have a choice whether or not to continue within the bonds of this marriage – just as does your husband. This choice is yours and it is important that you embrace this choice and your ability to make it – either way you go.
What IS out of your hands, is the behavior/attitude/emotion/illnesses your husband chooses and/or is dealing with. At the same time, your husband -as are the rest of us- is subject to the consequences of how we conduct ourselves and lead our lives. Expecting someone to stay by your side in marriage without putting forth the effort to communicate, to be sexually intimate at some level, and to be emotionally available and supportive is not horribly realistic. After all, marriage is a contract between two participating individuals. When one partner refuses to participate then at some level the contract needs to be reworked.
It is difficult for me to understand the complexities of the whys and whats of your relationship in a forum such as this one and without your husband’s perspective. It sounds like something significant happened at the beginning of the relationship – possibly your husband’s disaffection was a huge turning point not only in your marriage, but in his world view at large. My guess is that foundational reasons are more complex than just one and include a variety of factors – family of origin being one of them.
When children are involved and when the relationship is long-term; I encourage couples to give marital counseling a good go. And by a “good go” I mean going weekly for at least 6 months. Problems that have developed over years are not going to magically disappear with 3 sessions of counseling. At the end of six months, you would have a better idea as to whether or not you are heading down a healthier direction. There may still be work to be done. But at least the direction would be clearer.
Michele Weiner Davis writes about “it takes one to tango” in Divorce Busting. There is actually a lot you can do on your own to change the dance between you and your husband if he continues to refuse to join you in therapy. In fact, you speak to several topics that on an individual basis – whether or not your marriage improves – you can seek to improve for yourself (i.e. your emotional self-esteem, your relationship with food, your relationship with your body, etc.). There is nothing that I like about the deal you guys made to tie physical intimacy to your losing weight. Absolutely not a fair proposition for you or him and it downplays whatever the underlying issues are about physical intimacy to begin with. This is an enabling move on your part and takes responsibility away from your husband. I’d love for you to address this further within therapy.
Your husband dealing with depression and diabetes will be significant hurdles along the road – they affect motivation, libido, etc., etc. At the same time, there are many people with these disorders that receive successful treatment and that have satisfying relationships – including sex. Are there lifestyle changes involved? Absolutely. Does there need to be a commitment to seek professional treatment, try different medications, attend therapy? Absolutely. This is what life has dealt him and so you just HAVE to accept it? Absolutely not. There is a difference between accepting things that cannot change and using “acceptance” as a justification to avoid change.
No, we don’t leave our spouses because they are sick. But we might if they refuse treatment or any attempt to get better and/or neglect/abuse us along the way. Two different concepts. You would not be leaving your husband because he is sick. You would leave because of emotional neglect. Don’t allow yourself to be confused about these two concepts. Are you and he willing to be team players and come up with viable solutions for both as you face his illnesses or not? You’re both responsible for answering this question in the affirmative if the marriage is going to survive successfully. After all, the illness in question is not dementia. For the most part, illness does not absolve us from personal responsibility.

Suggestions:

Find yourself a good individual therapist. Deal with issues in regards to your own self-esteem and the role that you have played within your relationships.
Find yourself a good marriage therapist and go, with or without your husband (a therapist who has had training in marital work). I’m OK with an ultimatum as long as you mean it and it’s fair. Be clear with your husband about how you are feeling and the consequences of his not joining you in this venture. I wouldn’t want him to be served divorce papers and say, “I had no idea you were this upset or unhappy.” Start making clear that divorce is a possibility (if it is).
Be sure that your marriage therapist is comfortable and qualified to provide sex therapy. When there is a significant difference of libido within a couple they often find themselves in a catch 22 – a lose-lose where both feel they have to give up something fundamental. With a bit of creativity and mutual respect, most couples can find compromises to their sex lives that can provide sexual satisfaction instead of the frustration and feeling of failure that often ensues for both parties. There can be short-term solutions that can take care of immediate needs and then, as the relationship improves, segueways into longer term solutions that incorporate a more intimate stance. Expectations may need to be reworked since libido cannot be forced to recede or increase – but mutual and relational solutions can be found.
Read Divorce Busting. It provides a good approach as to educating you on the risks of divorce and strategies for saving your marriage if at all possible.
If you head down the path of divorce, it will be imperative that you understand your role in your current relationship so that you are less likely in repeating that role in your next relationship. Take time between relationships. Learn how to be on your own. Be aware of step-parenting dynamics and concerns.
Since you and your husband will continue to have a co-parenting relationship pretty much forever, it would behoove you both to figure out an amicable, supportive and respectful relationship. Hopefully by doing so, you can save your marriage. If not, you can at least co-parent effectively, the children will suffer less in the long run, and you will both be in a better position to find a more compatible partner. For these reasons I am a strong proponent of the “giving therapy a good go” approach.

I wish you the very best. You and your husband are both in a difficult, even heartbreaking position and I hope you can both find satisfaction, contentment, and emotional connection in your future.

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