How do I prepare for my marriage night?

Last updated on: October 15, 2012 at 12:04 am by Natasha Helfer

How do I prepare for my marriage night? 2012-10-15T00:04:51-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I am a 23-year old single male and have a question (several really). I have OCD (Obsessive Thought Disorder more specifically I guess) which I feel was brought on by severe guilt that I had from a masturbation/pornography problem when I was in High School. I say that, so it can be taken into account as I ask my question. When I masturbated, a couple of times I just laid face down with pressure on my penis and fantasized which resulted in orgasm with minimal stimulation. I started this practice and only performed in a couple of times just before I stopped masturbating. About six months after I stopped, I was laying in bed on my back, and in a weak moment, let myself fantasize to the point that I ejaculated. I didn’t even feel as though I had a strong erection before the orgasm. Almost a year after that (while on my mission) I was doing some ab exercises with a roller wheel. As I was performing the motion I again quickly became aroused, tried to remain calm and continue without entertaining any sexual thoughts, but still came to orgasm. Again, I felt as though I did not have a strong erection although I was aroused. It has been 3 years almost since that episode and I still have not masturbated, but feel as though I am not going to have control over orgasm. I can feel myself get anxious if I get aroused at some point which I know will only compound the problem. I am afraid that when I get married I will not even be able to penetrate without orgasm and disappoint my spouse. What can I be doing now to prepare myself, and what advice can you give me? Thank you for your help, and your blog is the most amazing discovery I have ever made! It helps with so many questions!Hoping for a response…

Thanks for your comments!
Generally speaking what you describe is somewhat normal. Without masturbating or any other sexual outlet, your body is naturally sexually tense and your body will respond to small levels of stimuli. In fact it will be normal when you have your first sexual encounter to ejaculate almost immediately. If you wait to have sex until you are married, you and your wife should know to expect this. As you have sex on a more ongoing basis, your ability to last longer will naturally increase. It is important for your wife to know this so that she isn’t disappointed if she does not climax the first few times you have sex. Lots of myths and apprehensions get started at the beginning of a marriage only because not enough education about what to expect is afforded. I don’t see anything to be concerned about in what you describe other than your overall anxiety about this subject at large.

I also want to point out that it is normal to have fantasies and sexual thoughts. They don’t need to run your life by any means, but I wouldn’t want you to run into the problem of inappropriate guilt/shame on this topic.

I would encourage you to see an individual therapist that could offer in-depth sexual education and that could help you normalize and accept your sexuality as a whole while at the same time respecting your wishes to wait for sexual intercourse until marriage. If you’ve been diagnosed with OCD then you need to acknowledge that your judgment might be somewhat impaired as to how much guilt should be associated with certain behaviors/thoughts. A trusted therapist would be a good sounding board for you to have.

Please remember that your body and mind being sexual are good, normal things. This is how we have been created by a divine being. Within the context of our religion, we encourage for people to wait until marriage to enjoy sexual activity. However, your body does not know it’s Mormon. Be patient with yourself and understand that sexual response is a normal and healthy part of life – married or not.

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