I think I might be gay…

Last updated on: April 4, 2011 at 1:11 am by Natasha Helfer

I think I might be gay… 2011-04-04T01:11:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I’m a 17 years old and I think I might be gay. I don’t know who to tell because there really is no one. I have a very good relationship with my parents/family and I don’t want to ruin it, but I can’t seem to stop the way I feel. I don’t want to be gay but I have never felt sexually attracted to a single girl. The only way I know how to describe what I feel is that when a cute guy walks past I stare at him, I feel interested. I don’t even notice girls or if they are cute. Is there anything I can do to stop these feelings? I don’t want to be gay.

I am so glad that you had the courage to write in about this incredibly sensitive and private topic. I hope this can be a beginning to your being able to find the resources and help you need and deserve.

Since you are a minor, I will be careful to write in a way that will be both honest and informational to you as well as respectful to your parents. I take my responsibility in writing you very seriously. I am assuming that you are a Mormon since you wrote into my blog – so I will be writing from a Mormon perspective.

First and foremost:
When adolescents your age are grappling with questions regarding their sexual identity, it can feel overwhelming, hopeless, shameful and extremely lonely – especially within a religious culture such as ours where ideas about sexuality are more rigid and traditionally set. The biggest danger for you would be where these feelings develop to the point of clinical depression and suicidal thoughts. If you are having any thoughts or have a plan regarding killing yourself, please get help immediately!! You can talk to a school counselor, a crisis center and/or community therapist where your discussion would be kept confidential. 1-800-SUICIDE is a hotline you can call at any time of day/night.

Having said that, here are some thoughts:

At 17 you are more than likely not sufficiently emotionally mature to have a sexual relationship. Therefore, there is no reason to rush into any decision regarding your sexual orientation. At your age, you are in a perfect position to take things slowly and get the help you need to figure out your feelings regarding sexual attraction, sexual orientation and sexuality/relationships in general.
Sexual orientation is not as simple as many would want you to believe (i.e. you are either completely heterosexual or completely homosexual). There are many people who embrace both homo or heterosexuality and yet experience attraction for a gender other than their orientation would dictate. For this reason, some people consider themselves bisexual/pansexual or just see this as a normal range of sexual feelings. This is why I would caution you from making self-labeling decisions too quickly. You have time to develop self-awareness and a thoughtful choice that takes into account all the different aspects that make you who you are. When I say “choice,” I mean in how you will label yourself. Feelings and attractions are not things we choose.
You will more than likely experience an intense amount of pressure from many who have very strong feelings regarding this topic for you to either embrace homosexuality or renounce it. This will be especially difficult when these people are those you love and respect: family, friends, religious leaders, etc.
From a scientific, evidence-based approach, there is no current research to support change in sexual orientation. Organizations such as Evergreen, with an LDS perspective, will challenge this and make statements that are contrary. Some LDS members find that at least attempting change helps them feel like they tried everything before deciding on a final course. Other LDS members find that philosophies or expectations regarding orientation change actually caused more harm than good, especially when change did not occur and they were made to feel like there was something intrinsically wrong within them. These are highly sensitive and complex issues especially within an ethical framework. I believe that people on both sides of the homosexuality debate have the best of intentions and do not mean to harm. However, harm does occur and this would be one of my main concerns for you going forward – specifically tied to your self-esteem, to how you perceive your spirituality and to not feeling like there is a place for you within our Mormon culture.
I’m glad to hear that you have a loving and supportive family. My hope would be that you could rely on them and use them as a helpful resource. I know there are many horrible stories out there as to how families have reacted to loved ones when they disclose homosexual feelings. However, there are many families that embrace their sons and daughters and become their advocates and supporters. If you need help in telling them, I would encourage you to recruit a professional to help you (i.e. school counselor, therapist, doctor, possibly your bishop if you’re comfortable with him).
Finding a therapist you are comfortable working with will be pivotal in helping you along this journey. I would caution against therapists that are pressuring you to either embrace or renounce a specific orientation. I would rather you see someone who is willing to let you explore your orientation in a non-judgmental way, that has an evidence-based approach, and that is willing to respect your wants, values and background.

I want to leave you with the following thought:
I know many people who are heterosexual and are in wonderful relationships, are in awful relationships, are happy, are miserable, are religious, are agnostic, are spiritual, are Mormon, are not.

I know many people who are homosexual and are in wonderful relationships, are in awful relationships, are happy, are miserable, are religious, are agnostic, are spiritual, are Mormon, are not.

Regardless of how your sexual orientation turns out, you deserve good things in your life. Good relationships, good self-esteem, good opportunities, good religion and most of all a knowledge of the unwavering love your Heavenly Father has for you. May you find all of this and more is my hope for you. I wish you the very best.

Resources that you and your family should find useful:

Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons
GLBT National Help Center
Family Fellowship
LDS Resources for Latter-day Saints dealing with homosexual attraction
Carol Lynn Pearson
BYU Professor Bill Bradshaw on a Biological Origin of Homosexuality

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