How do we create sexual tension within marriage?

Last updated on: April 22, 2011 at 8:36 pm by Natasha Helfer

How do we create sexual tension within marriage? 2011-04-22T20:36:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I am making a donation of $10 to your blog. I know it is not as much as my question is worth AND that is what I can donate. Thank you in advance.

My husband and I have a great relationship verbally, emotionally, sexually etc. and we have 11 children. I went to see Jane Eyre last night and was very, very aware of a couple of places where sexual tension was palpable. I also notice that if I read good romance novels with lots of mystery and a dragged out relationship prior to that first or second kiss or even before their first sexual experience I am ALWAYS ready to greet my husband and enjoy him physically and sexually. Last night I was curious if there is a way to create that sexual tension within a marriage. Create mystery. Create desire. I just think it would be SOOOOO fun and so satisfying to WANT, to DESIRE, to LONG FOR created by US. Yet, we see each other everyday. We kiss everyday. We have sex at least once per week and sometime many times more. It is NOT hum drum but certainly not that climax of the first kiss after knowing the person for weeks and perhaps months. Or even holding hands for the first time someone you have liked for a long long time. Anyway, there you have it. My question, boiled down, I think is, “How do we create sexual tension within marriage?”

The romance novels and romance movies create the desire in me for him yet I am pretty sure that that is not what I am looking for AND I don’t know how to create what I am looking for when all the candy in the store is free for the taking most all of the time!!

First of all, congratulations on having what seems like a healthy sex life and 11 kids to boot! WOW! Kudos to you!

You are correct in asserting that the “firsts” of a loving relationship are hard to compete with. First conversations, first glances, first flirtations, first kisses, and the first time making love. For many, these are moments full of excitement, overwhelming desire, butterflies, blinding love, etc. There are good reasons for this, many biologically based.

Article of interest:

How Love Controls Us-A Biological, Narrative & Evolved Explanation by Kimberley Key

These feelings are so powerful, that people can often find themselves drawn to new relationships when difficulties arise in the current one. The problem with the “first” phenomenon is that it is a mathematical dilemma – never to be repeated again. And no matter how many relationships one gets to experience, the same dilemma applies, with the intensity of these feelings fading over time.

What can be helpful for many is

first, recognize that these feelings are a normative, natural part of “falling in love” – developmentally appropriate
second, cherish these moments, journal them, remember them often – so that when the going gets tough, you have good reasons as to why you ended up with this person to begin with
third, embrace other important developmental stages that we go through in committed relationships (becoming experienced lovers).

Although new love is exciting, it’s helpful to remember that it is also often awkward. You don’t know each other very well – you may not even know yourself very well (especially sexually). In fact, many newlyweds experience disappointment that sex wasn’t more in line with their expectations (usually formed by unrealistic media accounts of first time lovers being able to orgasm at the same exact moment of ecstasy without any form of communication other than a few moans coupled with a lack of anatomically correct sexual education not only of themselves but of the opposite sex). Many are unprepared for discharge/lubrication and find the whole experience slimy and messy instead of wet and inviting. Many are confused by the differences in how men and women climax, not having a clue that about 75% of women will not reach orgasm by intercourse alone. Due to natural shyness or embarrassment and the fear of hurting their spouse’s feelings, many are completely unprepared to know how to talk about sexuality in general, much less be open and honest about how one wants to be touched, what feels good, fantasies, different positions, oral sex, etc. Add to this that many enter a marriage with unresolved issues regarding sexual abuse, perceived/actual sexual sin or an upbringing that only painted sexuality in a negative light and you can start seeing why many struggle with ever having an enjoyable sex life.

So, once you have had 11 children and entered the “experienced lover” stage, hopefully you have some things to look forward to.

The inherent challenges to a woman’s sexual drive during the stages of pregnancy, childbirth, nursing and raising small children (mainly the sleep deprivation piece) are over. Hormones are hopefully normalizing and the woman’s blood flow to sensitive areas such as vaginal wall, vulva and clitoris is normalizing as well. In fact, women tend to reach a sexual peak during midlife (no surprise that this coincides with the baby years being behind them).
Hopefully you’ve had a lot of practice. 🙂 Hopefully by now you’ve figured out a few things about each other that work and that feel good. Hopefully you’ve had chances to talk about things more openly and frankly with both love, respect and humor. Hopefully you have learned how to reach orgasm and are experiencing it/them often in your love making. Hopefully you are fairly aware of your own body by now and are more accepting of your body’s imperfections as you age, become more mature and care less if you meet our society’s impossible expectations for what it considers a sexual woman to look like. If not – these would all be great things to be working towards.

Now to your actual question. 🙂
Before I start, I would like to state up front that the following is meant for couples that would consider themselves in a relatively healthy place – not in abusive or unfaithful relationships. These suggestions are also meant for those who are comfortable within their sexual relationship and sense of sexual self. If you have sexual issues such as vaginismus (pain during intercourse), little to no sex drive, find sex repulsive, etc. you want to start by getting professional help from a sex therapist.

I believe it is important for each couple, in the course of their sexual journey, to build a diverse sexual repertoire. Having diversity, safety, humor and respect are all important components to healthy sexuality that is mutually satisfying. A sexual repertoire can include anything from different sexual positions, toys, lingerie/costume (men, you too), erotic poetry, agreements on how to handle situations where one has the higher sex drive, etc. Sexual repertoires should be respectful to both parties and can be added to or detracted to through the course of the relationship. There are many “firsts” that you can still enjoy just by being creative and adding a new tool to your box. I will proceed with some ideas that you can either embrace or reject: things that one person finds exciting and passionate may not be in the liking of another. Part of a sexual adventure entails gathering ideas, being willing to try things, and making joint decisions that feel comfortable for both parties. Just because I say it, doesn’t mean it’s right for you.

Romance novels and movies that have romantic scenes are forms of erotica that many people find helpful in setting a mood that is romantic and fun – especially when shared together. It is biologically normal for sensual visual and oratory forms to arouse sexual desire.
Erotic poetry – take some time to read Pablo Neruda to each other.
Using of toys – vibrators can help stimulate both female and male genitalia. There are many different types of sexual enhancers that can be fun to try- including “furniture” that helps the woman get into a more comfortable position where her clitoris has more chance of being stimulated during intercourse. Check out simplysweetmarriage.com.
Get a copy of the Kama Sutra and enjoy an eastern perspective on sexuality (most members will feel more comfortable with a book that includes sketches instead of photographs).
Do a strip tease for each other.
Make a collection of sensual music that helps turn you both on and play it during love making. (Let’s Get it On by Marvin Gaye, Let’s Stay Together by Al Green, I’d be Surprisingly Good for You from Evita)
Google “sensate focus” and start learning the art of sensual touch and massage. In fact, most sensate focus exercises will direct you to actually not have sex – see how that helps build the anticipation for your next love making session.
Use oils and lotions to enhance sexual touch.
Incorporate foods – fruit, chocolate, whipped cream, etc.
Read the Song of Solomon for your next couple scripture time.
Share some of your fantasies together – even if they seem embarrassing or wrong. It can be very powerful to share your “dark” side with someone who loves you and who will accept you regardless. Fantasies obviously do not always have to be acted upon – but the sharing usually creates stronger emotional intimacy.
Do some role play. Recreate a “first date.” Pretend you are going out for the first time, flirt, ask questions, create good conversation and then go have sex in a hotel. You can “legally” do something you probably didn’t do when you were actually dating.
Have gentle sex. Have rougher sex (of course, without causing any harm).
Take turns being in charge.
Be verbal during sex.
Have a lovemaking session where you look at each other through the entire experience – especially through orgasm (when we naturally close our eyes).
Watch each other self-stimulate.
Just like we get “dating” ideas from books, find a book that gives couples “sex” ideas.
Have sex in the shower.
Have sex outdoors (taking privacy into account). 🙂
Have sex in your car.
Wear heels or cowboy boots the next time you have sex.
Wear a skirt with nothing underneath. (I’ve heard kilts are sexy if any of you men want to try that out). 🙂
Go to a city museum together, enjoy looking at whatever nude art they may have knowing full well you will lie together later in the day.
Have phone sex.
Take erotic pictures of each other (again, taking privacy concerns into account – we wouldn’t want people to be traumatized at the next family reunion slide show). 🙂
Use scented candles during lovemaking.
Get a temporary tattoo (i.e. henna).
Do body art on each other.
Do a vulva mirror exercise together where you take a good look at yourself while sitting up against him (your back to his chest). Have him stimulate you while you watch.

As you can see, the list can go on and on. I am by no means implying that each sexual experience needs to be this nuanced or creative. Sometimes we don’t have the time, energy or desire. So it can be helpful to negotiate how often we might want to try something more involved. It can also be helpful if each spouse takes turns at initiating creative ventures.

I like to remind members that sexuality has 3 main purposes:

procreation,
emotional bonding between a married couple, and
providing physical pleasure.

Procreation only occurs during a very small percentage of a couple’s sexual journey – if at all. The rest of the time it’s about the other two. Enjoy!

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