My 7 year old won’t stop playing with himself…

Last updated on: October 14, 2012 at 11:48 pm by Natasha Helfer

My 7 year old won’t stop playing with himself… 2012-10-14T23:48:50-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I have a son who is about to turn 8 who for the most part never really grew out of the phase where he found out the pleasure that can come from his genitalia. He generally “humps” things until it makes him go pee. This can happen a few times a week.Normal thought says this is natural, but as a faithful LDS, we’ve spoken to him about the sacredness of his body parts and things like that. We read scriptures faithfully every night but for some reason he just cannot stop.

I’m not sure what can be done at this point. Above all I want to make sure he knows and understand that we love him, but nothing seems to helping him stop playing around with himself.

What would you suggest?

First of all, I want to state that I hope your son never grows out of the phase where he finds out that pleasure can come from his genitalia. 🙂 This is one of his genitalia’s main purposes – and, for hopefully about 60+ years of his life, it will bring him great pleasure within the spousal relationship he chooses.

My main piece of advice is to relax. The fact that your son fondles himself has nothing to do with your parenting style, whether or not you are a good/bad parent, and/or how many scriptures you read. Kids just fondle themselves. It feels good – it itches – it’s relaxing – it offers security, etc.
At seven years of age, it is appropriate to teach a child about “privacy” and tell the child that it is best to conduct this type of behavior in private. Give reasons. Explain that our genitalia are private parts, no one has the right to touch them or look at them (definitely an important age to be discussing sexual safety). This will help him not act in this way in public venues where he might be teased or otherwise embarrassed. Directly and calmly state, “I know it feels good to do what you are doing. If you would like to touch your penis, that is fine, but you can do that in private. You can go to your bedroom where you have privacy.” You want to use a calm, relaxed tone of voice and recognize that this is not abnormal behavior – sometimes kids pick up on our anxieties as parents and this can exacerbate behavior without this being anyone’s intention. It is important to recognize that sexually educating our children can often bring up feelings of anxiety and even panic. Much of this is normal and is usually part of our generational history. However, if we are not willing to address these anxieties, we can be pretty much assured that they will be passed on to the next generation. This is important work we can all improve upon.

I’m not sure why he is urinating as part of this behavior, other than maybe when he feels urine-related sensations, this brings his attention to his genitals and then remembers it feels good to rub up against something. In the meantime, he is forgetting to go to the bathroom until it is too late. We see this a lot with kids who play in general, and don’t want to take the time to go relieve themselves. If any more medically sound professional than I is reading this and would like to comment, please do so. You can always ask your pediatrician’s opinion as well.

Although I do recommend basic sex education at this age, I do not recommend making masturbation a moral issue until at least age 12. By this time, children are usually going through puberty and sexuality takes on a different, more mature and sensual meaning. It is at this point that sexual teachings and expectations can be explained in a more meaningful way that hopefully can resonate with the adolescent. You want to give clear answers as to why you feel the church’s guidelines are for the benefit of the child rather than just stating the rule itself with no further explanation. It is pivotal in these conversations to normalize sexual feelings and to teach that sexual pleasure is meant to be part of their human experience.

“A Parents Guide” put out by the church gives similar advice as to ignoring childhood masturbation and teaching abstinence of such starting at age 12. It’s a good resource for parents who want to follow the church’s guidelines on sexual education.

Previous posts of mine that touch on this topic include:
What is an appropriate way to handle toddler masturbation?
FYI: How Babies are Made

You’re correct in saying that above all, you want your son to know that you love him and accept him. Good luck in this amazing journey we call parenthood! Phew!

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