My husband says it’s ok if he looks at porn…

Last updated on: January 21, 2011 at 10:15 pm by Natasha Helfer

My husband says it’s ok if he looks at porn… 2011-01-21T22:15:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I know that you have written extensively on pornography, but I have another question. My husband admits to viewing porn on occasion. As he puts it- minutes a month. He sees absolutely no problem with this and feels no guilt or shame or sorrow for it. He says it is not harmful to him or us as he is not addicted and it does not affect his life, work, or relationships. It bothers me a great deal. We go back and forth – me telling him why it is wrong and harmful and him telling me why it is not with our “studies” to back us up. With the way he thinks, he wants sure scientific studies that PROVE it to be harmful in order for him to consider not viewing it. He thinks it is like anything- in moderation it is OK. Do you have a go-to list of studies done on pornography that prove that it does the harm I think it does- like was listed in a link that you gave- http://www.healthysex.com/images/poster-hazards-lg.jpg? Or is my husband correct to think that his occasional looking is OK? For me it is enough to not want to be with him, but I’ve read what you have said about that, too.

    The unfortunate lack of logic with your husband’s argument is that pornography IS affecting his relationships – mainly his relationship with you, his wife, the most important relationship he should currently have. He may be perfectly correct in his self-assessment that he is not suffering from an “addiction,” engaging in risky behavior that would put his job in jeopardy and/or spending insubordinate amounts of time looking at pornography. He may also be perfectly within his right as an individual to not feel guilt, shame or sorrow if these feelings do not resonate with him for whatever reasons. However, these are all beside the point. The point is that he is choosing to engage in sexual behavior within a marriage where his spouse is not comfortable with such said behavior. The “sexual contract” then is breached. In turn, this affects the level of physical and emotional intimacy that the two of you can achieve together. So, it IS affecting his relationships and this is to be taken seriously.
    I believe it is a waste of time to try and prove each other wrong. You both have your strong positions and there exist scientific studies that will side with both of you when it comes to the issue of pornography (Albeit in my opinion, the evidence stacks up more against it than for it – especially when you take into account the problems within the porn industry itself regardless of the effects it has on viewers. The two strongest arguments I am aware of for porn are 1- that it’s been possibly correlated to a decrease in sex crimes and 2- it can help those who have arousal problems become aroused.). Regardless of whether or not there are pros or cons to pornography, if the spouses disagree as to its use – it’s still going to be a problem. Where you could both focus your attentions is on this dissonance that exists between you in regards to one of the most personal aspects of your lives that is supposed to be mutually shared and bring you joy. I would strongly recommend going in for marital therapy to help you negotiate and navigate this point of gridlock. For example, some couples have found that incorporating useful forms of erotica within their sexual repertoire can be a fun and creative compromise that both can enjoy.
    At some point, if your husband stands firm in his position and refuses to budge, he is in essence making a “take it or leave it” stance. At that point you have some choices to make. You can decide that you are going to ignore the behavior that bothers you and enjoy his positive attributes and continue to be sexually intimate with him. You can decide that you do not want to be in a marriage where pornography exists and that his inability to compromise with you are grounds for terminating the marriage. You have the right to go either way. Although divorce is a difficult decision, staying in a marriage where your needs are not accounted for is not healthy either. It can feel like quite a catch 22. These are never easy decisions and, if you have children, affect more than just you and your husband. However, there are many things you can do that fall in-between these two extremes. For instance, you can make clear that although you are not willing to leave the marriage, until he is willing to work on not viewing pornography, take your feelings into account and/or go to counseling with you, you will not be willing to share a bedroom, be physically intimate and/or you want a temporary separation where you can begin a re-dating process. Do not put things on the table that you are not willing to follow through on (i.e. don’t threaten divorce just to see what reaction you get – only bring options up if you are seriously considering them).
(As a side note, I want to be clear that this would not be my recommendation to someone who is married to a person who may be looking at pornography but – does feel sorrow, does respect their spouse’s feelings and does want to stop. Relapses are common along this type of process and this is completely different than being married to someone who sees nothing wrong with their behavior and does not take the spouse’s feelings into consideration. Just because someone fails along the road to progress, does not mean that physical intimacy needs to stop. Knowing how to handle this type of situation is information for an entirely different post.)
Choices are difficult to make. But we do have choices. And others have choices that affect us as well. In most situations there are pros and cons to the choices made on either side of an equation. The best combination is to try to remain empathic to another without selling yourself short. This is often a difficult balance to reach. But staying in a marriage where you feel disrespected, where your resentment and anger will reach a point where all chance of intimacy is ruined, and where your children will watch these types of patterns – well, that isn’t so great either. It’s time for you and your husband to really assess where it is you want to go from here.

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