What can I do to make sex more of a union than a divider?

Last updated on: December 23, 2010 at 12:16 pm by Natasha Helfer

What can I do to make sex more of a union than a divider? 2010-12-23T12:16:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I was speaking with a good friend about my married life and was pointed to your blog. Thank you for sharing your hard earned knowledge in such an open and honest manner. It’s really neat.

I know that other people have asked about being in a “sexless marriage” and though mine is not “sexless” per say, I feel as though my wife and I are in some stormy waters when it comes to our sex life. I’m sure there is a stigma about guys wanting more sex than they need, but my wife and I are both in our mid 20’s and on a good week will have intercourse once, and again that is a good week. It is frustrating to me because whenever it comes up we end up in a fight. I learned long ago that the only person I can change in a given situation is myself. But no matter how I approach it, no matter how much I help around the house or act like we are courting again, it still ends up the same. I send out the signal, she says she has to get up early or she’s too tired or there are still a million things to do, impeding us from having sex. If I probe the situation or even act disappointed, let alone agitated, she becomes defensive and ofttimes emotional.

My wife is a very driven person, which is a wonderful trait that will continue to serve her well in the world. This however makes me feel like my sexual needs are consistently being placed on the back burner behind the rest of her life. Now, we are college students and can be quite busy at times but I don’t seem to find it hard to make time for sex and don’t see myself any less busy than her. It is just not important to her which is so hard because it honestly is to me. I don’t see myself as a controlling person, nor have I ever been accused as such. If anything, I feel like I go with the flow too much but going with this flow is leaving me feeling unappreciated, frustrated and at times unloved. I know she loves me, I just don’t know what do to.

Today was my day off and I spent it taking care of the house work and making her dinner but in the end, the cycle continued and though she was happy with my effort, her to-do list and routine closed out our night without being intimate. She always enjoys herself once she is in the mood but getting there is so hard. What can I do to make sex more of a union rather than a divider? I just feel like an annoyance in our bedroom and would do anything to change it.

Thank you for your comments. Here are some thoughts:

I have written on the topic of sexless marriage often and encourage you to look through those postings.
I am always concerned when couples find themselves having these types of issues so early in their marriage, especially when not knowing how to resolve them. These early years are so foundational to the rest of your lives together.
My ideal situation for you would be that you are able to address every single point you made in this post with your wife in a safe and productive setting. If you are not able to do this together at home due to normal things such as immaturity, defensiveness and not having the experience yet of being healthily self-aware (this is not meant to be offensive – just the reality of being young and newly married), then I believe it is imperative to get some outside help. There is no reason why either of you should feel like you have to tackle these types of issues by yourselves. I believe all of us could benefit from marital counseling – especially in the formative years of early marriage and even more so when there are some legitimate issues that if left unattended could cause years of hurt, resentment and begin a decay process that may cause significant distress and unnecessary sadness to both of you.
It is important for both of you to understand that addressing any issue around sexual intimacy can be incredibly threatening to our self-esteems and self identities. Therefore, the defensiveness and emotions are normal. The key to any healthy marriage is to be able to discuss these things in a place of emotional safety. Compromise will be part of the equation – I still haven’t met a couple with identical sexual needs. However, if either of you are left feeling like your needs, drives or feelings are not being taken into account – this is dangerous ground.
I realize you are in the position of being the male in your relationship and with this comes some unfortunate stigmas (i.e. all you care about is sex, if you want sex when she doesn’t that automatically makes you insensitive or selfish, if you make sex a priority or ask for sex you are somehow falling under the influence of the “natural man,” etc.). It is pivotal for the sexual health of your marriage that both you and your wife come to an understanding as to how such stereotypes (and the many on the female side as well) affect how you approach physical intimacy and can even take your sexuality hostage. Sexual health is about understanding that you are both intrinsically sexual beings, that there is great divine purpose behind this aspect of your union and that it is a part of your relationship that is unique to the two of you (you do this with no one else). It serves to bond you emotionally, spiritually and physically; to offer pleasure and release; to offer relaxation, stress reduction, act as a sleep aid and boost your immune system, etc. There are many, many positive results to one’s lifestyle when one finds themselves within a healthy sexual relationship. If we believe in an adversarial force, as we do within our faith structure, it is this type of sexuality that will be most attacked. I believe strongly that this is due to the divine potential each marriage has within the sexual realm to reach something unbelievably unifying and Godlike. Do not allow for anything to forge a wedge within this potential you and your wife have. I understand you do not want to come across as forceful, demanding or controlling – but you can lovingly, patiently and carefully be clear as to what it is you want not only for yourself, but for the woman you love. You deserve this and she deserves this. Washing dishes and courtship are great tools towards being a team but sometimes there are deeper sexual developmental issues that are not going to be resolved with these types of efforts. Plus, I don’t want either of you to fall into the pattern of these things meaning “sex” (i.e. I want you to wash dishes because that is what a couple does together – not to be used as some sexual innuendo she will come to hate). Talk to her. Be clear with her. Be direct. Be calm. Look at her with clear intent in your eyes. Really look at her. Love her.

Welcome to the wonderful frustrations and intricacies of marriage! It is a fascinating journey you are embarking on. Remember, you don’t have to do it alone.

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