Does my spouse need to have access to my emails?

Last updated on: December 2, 2010 at 11:53 pm by Natasha Helfer

Does my spouse need to have access to my emails? 2010-12-02T23:53:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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“But otherwise, email (as snail mail) shouldn’t hold any huge secrets”.

I am not looking to challenge this statement but, I am shocked by this and would like some clarification. I can see in an ideal marriage this to certainly be the case, but my marriage is far from ideal (as most are). I love my husband and we are working on being one, we have been through a lot…his stuff…..my stuff a lot of stuff. At one point in my life I was addicted to shoplifting. I told my husband about this and he was little help. His reaction was pretty much just stop, and I don’t want to know. I actively sought help elsewhere. He knows I see a therapist, but I am not sure I am comfortable with him knowing the content of the emails sent back and forth. I am also a member of compulsive shoplifter anonymous. I receive 3-10 emails from this group daily. They are a huge help in remembering why I do not want this a part of my life. Most are emails from scared people who have been recently caught, or are headed to jail or prison. Some are from people like me who have been “sober” for some time and are encouraging others to take the necessary steps to be “clean”. My husband loves me very much but, I know he would be deeply uncomfortable with this. Yet I feel it is important for my mental health to fight this addiction daily. If I become too lax and believe I am above this, I risk returning to a place that caused me and my family much pain.
My husband can access my email, and has to look for some financial things that were sent to me. I think out of respect for me he ignored everything else on my account but, I would not be happy if he was doing this daily. So my question is do we really need to open up our email to our spouse? I feel like I need separate accounts and privacy as I take steps to remain healthy.

Thank you for sharing your concerns regarding my statements on this previous post. The main message I was trying to get across in that situation was the dangers of keeping things secret – especially when the intents are to deceive or withhold information from the other.
This is not what I see happening in your case. Some thoughts:

Information between you and your therapist is confidential. If you choose to share this information with your spouse then that is your choice. Otherwise, the spouse should respect your privacy. It sounds like your spouse is aware and supportive of the fact that you are in therapy and that is wonderful.
Your membership in an addictions group also falls under the umbrella of confidentiality. In fact, most groups ask for a confidentiality “honor code” from its members – that they agree not to share any information shared within the group outside of the group. This would include emails, telephone conversations, etc.
As long as both you and your husband understand each others perimeters and feel comfortable with your boundaries – then I would not assess your situation to fall under “secrecy.”
The only red flag that went up for me, is that your husband seems to want to be “left out” of your recovery process. I would hope that becoming more educated about addiction and being more willing to engage with you within the realm of recovery could help you both deal with the roller coaster ride you may sometimes feel you are on.

Sometimes spouses of those who are in a therapy process can feel left out or have a hard time understanding why their spouse can trust a third party with such private and personal information. They may wonder if they are being spoken of in the sessions or why they can’t be the “therapist” per se and fill that need for the one they love. These are normal feelings and should be addressed if they come up. This is why, if the spouse and client are willing, I like to include both partners in some joint sessions (even when I am primarily doing individual work). I find that keeping the spouse informed and a part of the process can help alleviate feelings of isolation or distrust. This is a generalization and does not need to be the case for all couples.

I wish you the best in your recovery from addiction. I can’t emphasize enough what a courageous journey you are on. God speed!

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