I feel like I’m wearing the letter “A” on my forehead…

Last updated on: September 25, 2010 at 1:47 am by Natasha Helfer

I feel like I’m wearing the letter “A” on my forehead… 2010-09-25T01:47:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I am having a problem with guilt issues over an internet relationship that has developed. I am head-over-heels in love with a man I met a few months ago on the internet. We have bonded in just about every way possible, have so many common interests, we think each other’s thoughts, finish each other’s sentences on chat, etc. We are to the point of dreaming about each other every night, and the dreams cause spontaneous orgasms in me (I have been celibate for years), and wet dreams in him. We have progressed to phone calls, so now I even hear his voice in my dreams, and when I’m thinking of him.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, we are not likely to meet off-line. My problem is, with the Church’s strict guidelines about the Law of Chastity, are we doing anything to jeopardize our temple worthiness? I feel like we are not in control of our dreams, so can’t be accountable for what happens to us in the dream state.
We feel like soul mates who happened to meet at the wrong time, and our feelings are very intense for each other. Is this wrong, and what are the spiritual ramifications if we continue our relationship? What about cyber-sex and phone sex?
Is this something that needs to be discussed with the bishop? I am very torn about this. I don’t feel that we are in control over our feelings right now, but I fear the condemnation of the Church, and I feel like I am wearing the letter “A” on my forehead.

You are correct: you are not responsible for dreams that are causing spontaneous orgasm or “wet dreams” that your boyfriend is experiencing. No need to feel any guilt on that account and no need for these things to affect your temple worthiness status.
As far as cyber-sex and phone sex, these are considered sexual encounters. I’m assuming that most bishops would consider these to be inappropriate behavior before marriage, but I am not an ecclesiastical leader and cannot make that call for you. Whether or not you feel the need to speak with your bishop is ultimately your decision. Within marriage, cyber-sex and phone sex can be excellent venues for a couple to maintain a sexual relationship when circumstances keep them physically apart.
I am not a big fan of excessive guilt since it can have so many unintended, negative psychological results. Some of your language choice points towards this direction (i.e. condemnation, the scarlet letter, etc.). I would encourage you and your boyfriend to have frank and open discussions about your feelings, your sexuality being normally affected by the strong feelings you are having for each other, how you both feel comfortable moving forward in your relationship, and how you can use the teachings of your faith to bolster and guide you towards good decisions instead of using them towards self-deprecating thoughts that will affect your sense of self worth and esteem.
Our church has high standards regarding sexuality, standards that many find difficult to live up to, especially in the highly emotional and hormonally driven time of courtship. However, these standards are meant to protect you and to help you find happiness in your life. Sex symbolizes the beauty of sharing one’s mind, body and spirit with another person – the ultimate gift one can offer. Gospel standards are meant to protect you from such things as sexually transmitted disease, unintended pregnancy, emotional heartache, and emotional immaturity or readiness without commitment. These standards are not about condemning you or making you feel oppressed. I encourage you to enjoy the wonderful feelings of falling in love – including recognizing those that are sexual. These feelings are normal and are triggered for a reason – to draw you towards a loving, committed relationship where you can find personal growth in a way that is not usually found anywhere else: of course I’m speaking of marriage. Do not beat yourself up over feelings. If you think you have erred or gone farther than you are comfortable within your own standards in regards to behavior, then you have the beautiful gifts of repentance and the atonement to ease negativity and draw ever closer to Heavenly Parents who love you and want only what is best for you. Gospel teachings are about helping you create happiness and positive self-worth. Please go forward with this at the forefront of your mind.
I understand the difficulties of long-distance relationships and internet dating is becoming ever increasingly more popular. I hope the two of you, if serious about your relationship, will have the opportunity to work out these types of issues. Best of luck.

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