Is my mother in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Last updated on: August 13, 2010 at 12:58 am by Natasha Helfer

Is my mother in an emotionally abusive relationship? 2010-08-13T00:58:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I write this to you with a very heavy heart. My mother has allowed me to share this letter that she wrote to her stake president. I have edited it. I need to know how to help my mom. I am worried that she is in a dangerous situation. Is this emotional abuse? What steps should the stake president be taking? What steps should she be taking?

“I have been accused by my husband of having an affair with the man next door to us. First of all I laughed at him, thinking this was a big joke on his part. I am under attack from him constantly! I have kept silent about so many things this man has done to me and to others – always making some excuse for him, but now I cannot do it anymore. I hardly know this man next door. We had a tree removed on the pavement, and one of the branches fell onto the neighbor’s electric fence and broke it. That afternoon when * arrived home I asked him to have a look at it (he is a electrician). We spoke to the neighbor on the pavement and * said to him he would repair the fence. * insists he saw the neighbor’s face go ‘pale’ when he saw me! I do not even know the man’s first name! The abuse I have had to endure is horrific! He tells the most outrageous lies and truly believes his own lies. He is so convincing and if you do not know him, you will fall hook line and sinker for his tales.
“One night I had to call the bishop to my house as he was becoming abusive and I was actually afraid of him. When the bishop arrived, * was calm and soft spoken. He explained in the most convincing manner and detail how I was committing this affair. Another time I was woken up at 2-30am in the morning. It had been raining quite hard the whole night. Before that he had been prowling around the house and also the bedroom. He would come stand in the dark next to me and just stare down at me. I eventually fell asleep again and then, as I said, at 2-30am he switched on the lights and started shouting at me and this is one of the things he said: Your poor friend * has just passed away and here you are f…….. the man next door tonight. He screamed that I had put on his slippers to go outside and that the slippers were very wet. I took the slippers in my hand and it was bone dry! He is a size 9 and my shoe size is 6. He also said I had changed the alarm on his cellphone. He told me openly that he sets his cellphone alarm for 10pm every night so he can catch me going out to meet this man! I have been accused of stealing from the company that I run . He went on a 2 week mad Witch Hunt to try prove how I was stealing money but could not find any proof there either. He accessed my bank account and found money in there. Let me explain that I had just had insurance policies paid into my bank account. * had sold me these policies years ago – they had yielded good gains and I asked them to pay it into my checking account in the meantime. Of course when * saw this he was absolutely elated and had more reason to say I was stealing money. * just cannot accept that I have been wise and saved my money for the last 20 years. I showed him all the invoices with legitimate suppliers. He picked out randomly names of suppliers he did not recognize and accused me of stealing!* tells me constantly that I am a woman that sleeps around with men. I live in a prison. If I go to the window, then I am trying to see where the man is. I am not allowed to drive up the road if the man drives up the road at the same time!
* says he has actually seen me at midnight go out the gate with this man. He says I sit in his car at night and have sex with this man. I drive up the road in the day and have a ‘quickie’ with the man and rush back home. I used to go into our spare room and say my prayers. Now I am so afraid to go into any room in my house by myself because he stalks me trying to catch me phoning the man next door. Many times he tells me what an awful wife I am – he accuses me of the most awful things. I used to keep quiet and not answer back. What really disturbs me is the fact that he is so convincing that people who don’t know him believe all his lies. * did this same thing to his first wife. His second wife suffered under him too. But I have been traumatized for years now and kept silent – always thinking there is good in him and he will change. Yes he is generous with his money, but this is how he controls people. * plays very dirty and will try every trick in the book to ‘catch’ me.”

Yes, this is emotional abuse. It sounds like it may have even crossed the lines into physical and even sexual abuse. Abusive relationships are controlling, dangerous and not to be tolerated. The National Hotline for Domestic Violence has a great page explaining in great specifics exactly how to define domestic violence and how to assess whether or not you are in this type of relationship. I would highly recommend that both you and your mother read this information. Here is a short quote from that site:

Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.

Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.

They also have some great instruction for friends or family members who want to help a loved one who finds themselves in an abusive relationship:

How can I help a friend or family member who is being abused?

Here are some thoughts:

The fact that this man has been married several times previous to having married your mother is a red flag. Especially if she is finding out now that these patterns were also pervasive in his prior relationships. Prognosis for change is poor.
Some of the things she reports in her letter along with my assumption that he is older makes me question his senility. A contributing factor to why some people abuse can be a physical or mental illness. Many times when people start losing their mental faculties (i.e. Alzheimer’s or stroke-induced personality changes), they can experience hallucinations, paranoia, confusion, etc. and therefore, can be prone to becoming abusive and violent. Ruling out this possibility would be important. A good place to start would be expressing these concerns to a primary care physician who could then refer you onward to a geriatric specialist, or a psychiatrist.
About 6 million women in the United States are victims of domestic violence every year. Many of these women die. In fact about 1/3 of women who are murdered are killed by their intimate partner. About 3 women are killed every day in the USA by a spouse/boyfriend. This is a serious problem and one that should not be minimized in any way.
There may be good in this man and he may change, but it is not your mother’s responsibility to wait around hoping this will happen. Church council is clear on the fact that abuse is not to be tolerated, and divorce and separation are valid and righteous decisions when it comes to protecting one’s safety – especially in cases where the abuse is chronic and has developed into a pattern. I hope that the “enduring to the end” and “life is supposed to have challenges” arguments are not keeping your mother from making healthy decisions in regards to her own emotional, spiritual and physical safety.
It is a positive thing that your mother seems independent enough to have her own business, her own bank account and her own monies. If she is not financially dependent on this man, then it will be easier to leave. If she is financially dependent, then it is time to ask for help from the church, family members and friends that will make the first steps towards independence more doable.
Even if she does not want to divorce her husband and wants to work on the relationship, there are healthier venues than her current situation. She can temporarily separate meanwhile they get a mental health evaluation done, go to couple’s and individual therapy, create appropriate boundaries, etc. Although change may never occur, at least she could take proactive steps that would elicit change much more than staying and allowing the abuse to continue. As she creates boundaries and healthy distance, she will be in a better position to reassess the situation.
Creating a “safety plan” is an important part of leaving an abusive relationship. You can find such plans at the American Bar Association, Kansas Coalition against Domestic and Sexual Violence, and A Safe Place. Every community has domestic violence resources and shelters. It would be wise to know where and what these are. It is important to know that the most dangerous time for abuse to take place is when women are trying to leave.
As far as what the stake president/bishop should do – they do have hotlines available to them to help them make educated and correct decisions when it comes to dealing with abusive situations. They should take these matters seriously and give advice accordingly. The victim’s safety should always be the first priority.

I hope this information has been useful and that your mother is able to take the necessary steps to ensure her safety. I wish her the very best.

Some resources:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
domesticviolence.org

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