Follow up on “Do I need to talk to the bishop?”

Last updated on: October 14, 2012 at 11:38 pm by Natasha Helfer

Follow up on “Do I need to talk to the bishop?” 2012-10-14T23:38:50-05:00 Natasha Helfer

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I admire your blog and have really benefited from many of the discussions. The following is too long to enter as a comment. Sorry. I thought a follow up comment on “how it’s going” could be useful. I wish I could put your URL in our church bulletin! Thanks!

I made the original post: Do I need to talk to the bishop?. It was the first and only time I have shared anything in one of these forums.
For the past several months this arrangement has worked for my wife and me. Prior to that, we had very rare sexual contact. I have always hoped/needed to have sex a couple of times weekly–with some obvious variation—due to illness, fatigue, etc. Our sex life had gotten to the point that it was perfunctory and rare. This grew over the years into a serious source or resentment. I resented the infrequency and chore my wife made sex out to be. My wife resented that I asked for sex at all. We discussed sex briefly on several occasions. I would ask what I could do to increase her desire or what I could do to “earn” sex. I tried to use humor and the gentler powers of persuasion. I asked if she’d be willing to read Laura Brotherson’s book with me to see what we could do. She was a good sport and bought the book. This in itself was a breakthrough for us. I always felt that she thought I was a pervert for bringing up sex at all. I read the book quickly and with great enthusiasm—taking notes. She read it too and we talked a little more earnestly than in the past about our sex life. From that conversation, she assured me that she does not have “good girl syndrome”, was never molested, is orgasmic, that she loves me, and likes to make love and have orgasms with me, just not often. I shared my “need” to feel close to her emotionally and physically and my need for release of sexual tension. She communicated that she did not think I was a pervert for wanting sex more often but was just not as “into it” as much as I am and would “try.” Shortly after our earnest conversation, and no increase in sexual activity, but an increase in intimacy and love, I was still feeling physical pain from the lack of sexual release and still struggling with resentment. I was doing everything I could to show love and understanding to my wife and still feeling miserable. I have never been tempted to have an affair. I do not use pornography. I live the law of chastity. At any rate, in this state and after reading the Laura Brotherson book (where she condemns masturbation by the way), I was convinced more than ever of three things: 1. My wife and I love each other and are good for each other; 2. I wasn’t going to finesse or convince her to change or turn into a horndog any time soon; 3. I am a good and decent person and need sex more than my wife.

When I made the proposal in the post that I am referring to, I was very nervous and was prepared for her to be quite upset. It was very anticlimactic. She said she thought it was fine.

Since that time we have had really nice sex several times, much more frequent than before and she has initiated more. I think broaching this has been good for our marriage, not just “self-medicating.” I think we haven’t just agreed to disagree, but made an honest effort to come together and to discuss feelings that have been very difficult for us to discuss. I am not an apologist for masturbation. My wife and I grew up in the Church, met in college after both serving missions, fell in love and are “living the dream.” We married as virgins, in the temple and are very happy. Sex was a wedge. Now it’s not. I think that in the Church we put a lot of weight on chastity (as we should) and don’t necessarily do enough to prepare for healthy sexuality or the struggle to find healthy sexuality. In the original post I mentioned that we both work full time and have young kids at home. We are involved in our community and have Church callings, etc. My wife is brilliant, hard-working, beautiful and wonderful. I am a good father and husband and overall a decent guy. I am very active in cleaning, child-rearing, etc. I have a testimony of the Gospel and try to live it. I believe in the promises inherent to the Gospel and aim to be worthy of them. I feel very blessed for the lessons I have learned through Church membership from childhood to present day. I think in our families and our wards we are doing a better job of looking at perfection as a process for the eternities and not a rigid adherence to a picture we assume the other “nice families” have achieved already. The assumption that if we pray hard enough and work hard enough everything can be just right right now is a pretty high bar and may be giving the Atonement short shrift and place us under a load of hopelessness that is too much. At any rate this compromise has brought my wife and me closer. Sorry to have gone on as long as I have. I felt very isolated with my problem and have felt blessed with this solution and have appreciated Natasha’s advice and reassurance. When I made the original post, I had made the arrangement with my wife and felt like it was the right thing, but still felt ambivalent. Now I really feel like I we are both kinder to each other and more understanding people. It has been the right thing. I know that I am accountable for my choices. I wouldn’t air all this here if I didn’t think it were healthy and safe to have these discussions as a community of people sharing the restored gospel and the mortal struggles of living it. Thanks!

I can’t tell you how valuable your feedback is to me and hopefully to others as well. Thank you so much for writing back. I am pleased that you were able to find this site useful in your life.
Yours is a perfect example of the type of vision I had when I started this “advice column” to begin with. I hope I clearly communicate how emotionally, spiritually, and professionally satisfying your words have been. Thank you!

Marriage

Masturbation

Sexuality

Previous Post

August 5, 2010

How can I treat premature ejaculation?

Next Post

August 10, 2010 What's the difference between erotica and pornography?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Abortion Abuse Addiction Adolescents Anger Anxiety BDSM Bipolar Disorder Body Image Boundaries Children Circumcision Civil Rights Consent COVID19-Coronavirus Death Depression Divorce Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Erectile Dysfunction Faith Crisis/Faith Transition Gender Identity Gender Roles Gospel Teachings Grief Homosexuality Infidelity LGBTQ LGBTQ+ Male Issues Marriage Masturbation Menopause Mental Health Mindfulness Miscarriage Missions Mixed-Faith Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Parenting Perfectionism Physical Abuse Physical Health Pornography Premature Ejaculation PTSD Race Relations Relationships Rest Righteousness Self Care Self Injury Self-Esteem Sexual Abuse Sexual Disorders Sexual Education Sexuality Single Adults Social Media Spirituality Suicide Survey Temple Issues Transgender Health Trauma Uncategorized Violence Women's Issues Word of Wisdom

Select a Month September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 December 2018 November 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 July 2015 February 2015 January 2015 November 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 April 2014 February 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 May 2012 April 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who said, "May your God, whom you serve continually, rescue you"?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Daniel An angel King Darius The chief guard