Should we try a celibate marriage?

Last updated on: October 14, 2012 at 11:31 pm by Natasha Helfer

Should we try a celibate marriage? 2012-10-14T23:31:09-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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“Take a long cold shower” my Bishop encouraged, “You’ll make it son, and you’ll be glad you did.” My fiancé and I were in his office confessing and seeking counsel for the kind of petting that some LDS teens get involved in during high school. He gave us good counsel, we got our passions under control, and a few months later were married in the Temple. It didn’t occur to me that his advice would be far more useful during our marriage than in the engagement period leading up to it.

Our dating relationship and our engagement offered me no clue that the woman I would vow to have as my one and only sexual partner was either asexual, homosexual, or just not sexually attracted to me. I had no idea I was marrying a woman who would approach sexual intimacy with the kind of disdain and annoyance she might hold for a sink full of dirty dishes. But that’s been the story for 13 years.

Not the whole story. There were good times, and a full house, and love; but in my heart there is an empty place. Sometimes it feels like a gaping hole that spews venom, hurt and hate. Sometimes it’s just a dimple, smoothed over with the hustle and bustle of life and its demands. To my great shame I’ve poured the filth of the world into that hole as well, and probably marred and damaged our marriage beyond repair.

About 6 months ago I decided that I was done. I wasn’t going to church more than once a month; I hadn’t read the scriptures or prayed on a regular basis for years; I had lost the feelings of guilt and remorse for my sins; I resented my wife; and blamed the church for my misery. I decided that I wasn’t going to stick it out for the kids. I was going to leave my wife and find what happiness I might out in the world. The very night I determined that I was walking out the door for good, I had an awakening. I wasn’t looking for it, nor did I deserve it. God touched my heart, and I felt two contradictory feelings at the same time. Agonizing pain at recognizing my wretched and awful state, and a taste of the sweet peace God was assuring me I could find through Christ’s Atonement.

The next morning I confessed to my wife and kneeling at her feet, expressed my sorrow and shame. I wasn’t sure what would happen. The possibility that she would leave me was very real, but I felt like I needed to confess to her as well as to our Bishop. It was a painful conversation, and in retrospect, I wonder if the confession only made me feel better by getting a weight off my chest while burdening her.

My visit to the Bishop’s office was also humiliating and painful, but in the end was humbling, strengthening, liberating and comforting. It was also enlightening. He did not minimize my sins, but he also told me not to despair. I certainly needed to make a change, but I had not crossed into territory where church disciplinary actions were needed. I could keep my membership, serve in a calling, take the sacrament, and visit with him on a weekly basis. He always had an excerpt from one of the latter day prophets to share, a scripture to bolster my faith, and his testimony. His support and love have been of immeasurable worth in my return to faith.

After reaching this turning point I recommitted myself to loving, honoring and supporting my wife. Weekly dates, doing a greater share of the housework, sitting and talking, taking an interest in her interests, flowers and notes. I know I hurt her and betrayed her trust. I’m hopeful that in time she can trust me again. We are making progress and our relationship is improving in many ways… but…
…but, the hole is there, still always there, even after we have sex. I hate “having sex”. I want to make love with my wife. I want to be loved by my beloved. I want to be the desire of her heart, not a check mark on the month’s to-do list. As we work on repairing our marriage I’m reminded of what our marriage was, and what it appears to be returning to. Make no mistake, I’ve had a life changing experience, and I know what I stand to lose by going backwards. I will not be the same husband again. I’m growing convinced though, that my wife will be the same wife I was married to before.

She says that she wants to improve our sexual relationship, and for the first few weeks, as I was reading about repentance, forgiveness and fidelity, she picked up an LDS book about marital intimacy. She got about 80 pages into it. I can still see it on her nightstand, but the layer of dust covering it is starting to get thick. I expected it might be months before she was ready to be sexually intimate, but after only a few weeks she wanted to start having sex again. In large measure it was because she blamed herself for my sins. She felt like her neglect of our sexual relationship had helped to push me in the wrong direction, and she wanted to keep me from straying again. (I’ve been very clear on this point. My sins are mine to own.)

But now several months later, we are approaching the same once or twice a month, lights out, “hurry up and finish”, pity sex that still leaves me feeling empty. I feel like I’d rather take a vow of chastity than to continue hoping the charade we play in our bedroom becomes marital bliss. I’d rather give up hoping, and just recognize and accept that our marriage is sexless, and move on, find a hobby, get separate bedrooms, stop laying next to a sumptuous feast when I’m on bread and water rations.

We actually did this for a month. We decided (at my request) that we wouldn’t have sex for the next month; I wouldn’t ask, she wouldn’t offer. I found that I rarely thought about it, and hardly missed it. But in doing so I felt like I muted my affection for and attachment to her. I made a conscious effort to increase the affection I showed her both verbally and physically but in non-sexual ways, but it didn’t really help. I just felt…less for her. I didn’t like that, and she didn’t either, but it was easier than hoping for something that never happens.

I’m sure there are couples out there who cannot, for physical reasons, have a sexual relationship. What makes their marriages work? Would you even advise anybody to try a “celibate” marriage?

No, I would not advise anybody to have a celibate marriage (this only works if both partners are asexual and content with said arrangement – a rarity). Sexuality is one of the main components that makes a marriage different from every other relationship you should have. Even couples who face incredibly difficult obstacles to their sexuality (i.e. paralysis or other health related issues) can find ways to reach out to one another in a way that meets both of their physical intimacy needs.

What makes a marriage work is the ability to keep four levels of intimacy at a healthy state: emotional intimacy (able to share what we feel and how we feel about the other), intellectual intimacy (able to share our thoughts and opinions), spiritual intimacy (able to share our values and spiritual journey), and physical intimacy (able to share our body and physical affection). Intimacy has less to do with “agreeing” and always seeing eye to eye and more to do with being able to share our experience, values, thoughts, feelings and ideas when we know we don’t agree or see eye to eye. And knowing that you will be received with respect and a listening ear even when the differences separate you. Safety and trust are important foundations for this to be the case. Honesty affects trust and reaction affects safety.

When we fail to attempt to fill the needs for both spouses in all four areas of a marriage, then fissures in the foundation begin to shape. As fissures become more serious cracks, the marriage is more likely to take on more risky behaviors (i.e. emotional or physical affairs, pornography viewing, solo masturbation, attendance at strip clubs, etc.). So, even though I agree with you that your sins are alone for you to own, both partners are responsible at some level for the foundation. And though your wife should not feel responsible for your individual sins – she can take responsibility for her sexuality and how her issues with sex may or may not affect her marriage and intimacy level with her husband.

There are some few exceptions to this:
A sex addict will act out sexually and be promiscuous regardless of whether or not they are getting their sexual needs met at home. This is because addiction goes beyond the intimacy levels within a relationship. Pornography can be part of a sex addiction but a sex addiction usually implies more behaviors than pornography viewing. Any type of sex addiction that begins before a marriage takes place is a different process than a person who begins to view pornography or masturbates because of sexual dissatisfaction within the marriage. These behaviors can become addictive over time, but addiction is not usually the underlying problem in these cases.

Here are some thoughts:

Lots of positives: The fact that you decided your marriage was worth fighting for, the fact that your wife also wants to fight for the marriage, the ability you had to “confess” to your wife and start having honest discourse (even when difficult), the willingness you both seem to have in trying new things.
“Pity sex” is not a healthy approach. The fact that a spouse will have sex when not always in the mood is a wonderful gift and should be approached as such by both. This is the difference between what I like to call a “lovie quickie” and just a “quickie”. Much of what can make sex pleasurable for both in the “lovie quickie” scenario is a willingness to hold, talk, kiss, and enjoy the process – even if orgasm will not be the goal for one of the partners. An attitude of gratefulness by the one receiving the gift is also important.
Progress does not follow a smooth uphill trajectory. Progress (if graphed) looks more like the stock market. Lots of ups and downs – but overtime with a net gain. The mistake many make when assessing their progress is that they look at a recession as a step back to square one. When reading through your recent experience, I can see that you are getting frustrated with a few “backward” steps you have recently taken. But overall, I am greatly encouraged by all the progress the two of you seem to be making.
Many women have a preconceived notion that all their husbands need is the physical aspect of sex. This is unfortunately caused by many of the stereotypes our culture holds about men. It will be important for you to communicate clearly that you need more than just physical touch and stimulation to your wife. Tell her you need her love and her “presence” during love making. Tell her you want to “make love” rather than have sex. Tell her this often in a way that builds her self-esteem rather than her guilt/shame levels. (“I need you. I love you. You make me feel complete. When you don’t seem to need me, I feel hurt and confused. I want to be wanted in the same way I want you.”) Current research shows that men need emotional connection during sex to feel close to their partner, similarly to women.
Are you both willing to get marital/sexual counseling together? I believe you will get much farther in a shorter amount of time if you hire someone to help you.
Is sex painful for your wife? This is a possibility often overlooked by spouses and even professionals. Vaginismus is a vaginal tightening that can cause discomfort, burning sensations and pain. Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder is another possibility (see article below). Is she able to orgasm? If your wife is suffering from a sexual disorder and is only trying to remedy this through “willpower” she will have less of a chance for success. There are many things that can help: from relaxation exercises, to medicine, lubricants, psychotheraphy, etc. I would highly recommend doing some research on these issues as a couple and go in together to discuss them with her physician or obgyn if you conclude that they may be playing a role.
I have written often about sexless marriage and encourage you both to go through my previous posts on this topic.

You wife does not have to feel alone in this situation. And neither do you. There are many resources available if you’re both willing to look, research and get help. I hope that you can use a “teamwork” approach and see this is as an exciting journey you can take together. A journey where you may get lost a few times along the way – but where the destination is worth every step of the way.

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