Are we doing something wrong?

Last updated on: October 14, 2012 at 11:12 pm by Natasha Helfer

Are we doing something wrong? 2012-10-14T23:12:40-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I’m going to address the following questions/comments all on this one post:

I have read a couple of questions and responses pertaining to masturbation. I am female and have been a member all my life, but have never been talked to by anyone about this subject. As a result, I have never thought of it as a sin or frowned upon. Okay, now to explain our situation. My husband and I have not been married long, but I am having problems with sex drive. I rarely have a desire to do it and so it has become a struggle for us. We don’t have intercourse as much as my husband would like, so sometimes he will want to masturbate and to be honest, I enjoy watching and being a part of the process. He assures me that he only thinks of me as he is engaging in this and he does not use pornography. One of your posts mentions that a woman was asked about masturbation in a temple recommend interview. This concerns me and makes me feel uncomfortable as well as worried. Are we doing something wrong? What if my husband masturbates alone?

Natasha, Do you have an opinion on self satisfying to boost libido?

Good question! I feel like my desire to have sex with husband is stronger when I’m taking some alone time regularly. I’d love to hear your opinion on this and what other commenters think!

There is the scripture where Paul states that the wives body is not hers, but her husbands, and visa versa… people have quoted this to argue against self stimulation.
My comment would be, okay, so what if I give my wife permission to use her body for this purpose, with my blessing – knowing that it will help increase her libido and bring us closer? Anything that is mine is also my wife’s.

I believe that the woman who was asked in a temple recommend interview about masturbation was not married.

Masturbation practices or self-stimulation within a marriage falls under the category of “up to the couple to decide” what is appropriate and comfortable within their sexual union. My opinion is that these types of allowances or levels of creativity and communication within a marriage lead to its optimal health – especially when it solves issues of sexual libido differences and/or upping sexual desire. Whether you are masturbating alone or together, as long as you are both in agreement and comfortable with each others’ behavior, then this is your business as a couple.

My recollection of the temple recommend questions regarding sexual morality (regardless of whether or not one is married) is that it consists simply of “do you consider yourself to be morally clean (or chaste)?” I forget the exact verbiage. It is up to each individual to answer that question honestly. And if a couple is honest with one another and comfortable with masturbation being part of their sex life, then the answer to this question is yes. I do not believe bishops are instructed specifically to ask about masturbation – although this may be something that is asked of young men or women preparing to go on missions or even single adults (I’ve heard many stories along these lines). I really don’t know. Does anyone have more specific information on this? I will ask on my end as well.
It is perfectly appropriate if questions get more specific to say something along the lines of “that is something between me and my husband/wife” or “I’m not comfortable answering that question right now.” Give yourself time to consult with your spouse.

Now, I believe the term “masturbation” is included in the bishop’s handbook as an example of inappropriate behavior. So if someone goes in specifically asking about masturbation they will probably be told something along the lines of “stay away from it.” However, my understanding is that this counsel falls more to those who are not married or who are masturbating without their spouse’s knowledge. This is hearsay on my part because I do not have a bishop’s handbook to refer to. However, we all have a right to go in to our ecclesiastical leader and ask what or what is not in the handbook when it comes to these types of questions.

There has been some research to support that women who masturbate to increase libido can find success through this method. They become more connected to their sexuality, their ability to orgasm and their ability to communicate to their partner what type of touch they find pleasurable. It can be an erotic exercise to participate in this sexual play as a couple or to know that your partner is participating in this self exploration as a means to increasing your overall sexual satisfaction. Masturbation can also help men with issues of premature ejaculation. If a couple decides on a romantic evening including sex, then they can decide to start off with a “quickie.” Later on in the evening more time can be taken on foreplay and getting the woman’s arousal to the point of orgasm. Since the man had a sexual release earlier, he will usually find that he can last longer the second time around. Since women usually take longer to reach an arousal level, this can be helpful to her orgasm process. What is interesting about both of these scenarios is that masturbation is not being used solely as a measure to self-pleasure, but also as a tool to increase the sexual experience of the couple as a whole.

The times when I have seen masturbation become a negative in a marriage is when it is hidden in a shroud of secrecy and shame – when the spouse is unaware of this type of behavior and then feels betrayed or not included in the sexual lifestyle of their loved one. This is a legitimate concern and should not be taken lightly by those who feel solo masturbation is normal. Masturbation can be a normal part of life – but it is not normal to not be talking about normal things within a marriage. If it’s secret then it is not healthy for the emotional intimacy of the relationship.
It is also problematic when spouses disagree on whether or not this should be a part of their sexuality as a couple.

Article of interest:
Why women lose interest in sex- and 10 tips to rekindle desire.

Masturbation

Sexuality

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