Am I a porn addict?

Last updated on: June 10, 2010 at 1:36 am by Natasha Helfer

Am I a porn addict? 2010-06-10T01:36:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I am 23 year old female, and I have some questions about pornography. During my teen years there were several occasions (4 or 5 maybe?) when I would stumble across pornography on the TV at night. I would watch sometimes for 5-10 mins and there were times I do recall getting aroused. Sometimes it would not interest me at all and I would change the channel. I think 2 of those times I would seek out pornography on TV because of curiosity or boredom. Probably from the ages 17-20 I did not watch any pornography. At about the age of 21 I did watch it intentionally on TV when I was severally depressed. I watched it once a week for almost 3 or 4 weeks when one of my parents was sick with cancer. I watched this particular 30 minute show in which half of it was soft core pornography..the other half was a storyline. I did get arousal out of it, but it was more the fact that I wanted the lives of the women characters in this show, because it was better than mine. I did not watch this show again, but six months later I came across pornography on the TV again and watched it briefly. Then 3 or 4 months later I started my first semester of college which I was very anxious about. About a month after starting, I stumbled across pornography on the internet, and it happened to be a clip of the show I had watched on TV once before. But for another hour I started watching other clips of other pornographic clips. They were more graphic and explicit, and I was aroused at first…but then I begun to feel sick because it was too graphic for me. It scared me a bit also. A week later I had an impulse to watch pornography on the internet to see if it would be any better for me. I started out being aroused but then felt that sickness again so I would stop. I did not watch pornography of any kind until a little over a year later because I wanted something to make me feel better. This time it was more spread out over 8 months (3 times…4 times at the most). Like before, I would get aroused at first thinking I would get something out of it, but ended up with nothing. Normally I would watch clips for 10-15 minutes, but there were a few times within those two first years of my college career when I would watch for 30 minutes. The last time I watched pornography was almost 6 months ago. It was something that my mother said about pornography that really made feel guilty along with a talk I heard at church that made me feel even worse. I don’t think growing up, I considered pornography something bad. For me it was “something you just don’t do”. It wasn’t discussed in young women’s – only 1-3 times that I recall, but I’ve been researching in depth that it is sinful to watch and that it can destroy relationships and prevent eternity. I have never felt guilt this painful, and right now I feel too scared to discuss this with a bishop. I just wanted to know if you consider me a porn addict? I’m really not sure if I was or not. I feel stupid and selfish and have no desire to watch pornography again.

No, I do not consider you to be a porn addict.
Addiction necessitates a much higher frequency than you report.
It is a normal response to be aroused by pornographic images, to feel a level of curiosity and to seek out these types of responses when feeling depressed, anxious or otherwise afflicted. In a sense, it can serve as a means to self-soothe. And these facts aren’t different due to your being a woman. Your assessment of the reasons why pornography seemed like a viable option to you are very insightful.
You report feeling “sick” or uncomfortable at a certain point with the images you were viewing. These feelings are a great internal gauge to help you know if something is healthy or not. Whether you want to call this your “conscience,” “the Holy Ghost” or whatever else, it served as a monitor that signaled a warning. Although there are a lot of conflicting opinions in the sexual health field regarding whether or not pornography viewing is a “healthy” or “unhealthy” behavior, I fall on the side of unhealthy. My main reasons (other than religious) have to do with the fact that watching pornography can alter our arousal templates (i.e. what will or won’t turn us on), is based on unrealistic fantasy that can set us up for very false expectations of what an intimate relationship should look like, it tends to dampen emotional intimacy with a partner in the long run, and I am opposed to how much of the pornography business is run.
I’m glad your desire to watch pornography is gone. Don’t be surprised if the temptation rises again. We tend to go back to old patterns of stress relief in times of stress. If you are conscious of this human trait, then you will be less taken aback and more prepared to make sound decisions at that time.
I would encourage you to not fall into the self-hate talk of classifying yourself as “selfish” or “stupid.” You made a less than healthy choice, you recognized it, and you decided to move forward in a healthier direction. This process does not sound stupid or selfish to me. Instead it sounds smart, self-efficient, healthy and proactive.
Whether or not you want to discuss this with your bishop is your own personal decision. I believe most bishops would see this as behavior that would fall under “confession status.” It’s important to remember that the purpose of confession is that of cleansing and lifting a burden from yourself to a source that is willing to support it for you – that of Jesus Christ. I would hope that the repentance process would not elicit feelings of fear – but rather feelings of love and support. We are all in need of it. It’s normal to feel embarrassment or even shame when we fall and make mistakes. But I hope that the knowledge that we all fall can help you understand that you are not alone. This situation is not unique to you. If you are uncomfortable talking with the bishop because he is a male, you can always consider talking with one of your female leaders instead (i.e. Relief Society President). You can also request that a female be present with you in a priesthood interview if that would help put you more at ease.
Since you speak of issues with depression and anxiety, there are many ways to address these feelings in ways that are healthy and beneficial. It sounds like you’ve had some significant challenges to overcome. I just recently posted on both depression and grief where you can find many resources on how to deal with feelings that at times can seem overwhelming.
I wish you the very best and applaud your courage to ask questions on such a sensitive subject. You are correct in stating that we do not educate our young women sufficiently (if at all) on issues of pornography. I am sorry that you felt ill-equipped in knowing how to deal with this temptation when it came up. I wish you the very best as you move forward. I hope you will easily forgive yourself and free up your energy for much more positive aspects of your life. Good luck!

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