Do my siblings know I masturbated?

Last updated on: October 14, 2012 at 11:05 pm by Natasha Helfer

Do my siblings know I masturbated? 2012-10-14T23:05:02-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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Here is an answer I gave to someone who was not comfortable posting their question even anonymously. This is so difficult and sad for me since it speaks to the intense shame many are carrying around regarding normal and common sexual issues. It also speaks to how many members are suffering in silence feeling that there are no avenues to be able to address these types of concerns and questions. I can’t stress enough the importance and responsibility of proper sexual education that falls on the heads of us as parents. This education should include what is and what is not appropriate to do with or in the presence of siblings. This education should be broached with love, compassion, understanding, and direction as to how to recover from mistakes. This education should be frank, open and use proper terminology. Here is some basic information to understand the content of my response:

This person and their sibling are the same gender and they shared a room for much of their growing up years (quite common – especially in larger LDS families). This person is concerned that their sibling may have been aware of their masturbating, even though they took precautions to make sure their sibling was asleep or not in the room to begin with. This person is now wracked with guilt and does not know how to proceed.
Here are the basic tenets of my response:

Masturbation during adolescence and young adulthood is part of “normal” behavior even though not considered “approved” by the church. Most kids will masturbate at some point or another – some on a regular basis and others on a more exploratory frequency that may include only once. A few will never have masturbated. Unfortunately, girls are not taught about this as much as boys because our culture (as a whole – not just LDS) is in denial that females masturbate to begin with. One of those weird taboo and sexist subjects. OK or expected for boys – but not for girls. Most research shows that at least 75% of women masturbate at some point of their lives and I think the number for men is in the high 90th percentile (the number is actually predicted to be higher for women since many will not be comfortable admitting to it – even anonymously).
I really doubt that your sibling at toddler age was traumatized by anything they may or may not have seen. At that age children are not mature enough to understand things they observe of a sexual nature. They are more focused on basic emotions such as fear and safety. In fact there is some new attachment research that shows that infants and even young toddlers that co-sleep with their parents can find the sounds of lovemaking to be soothing and comforting to their psyches (sorry to tangent).
Now, if you’re concerned about your older years, it can be amazingly liberating to bring this up in a loving, private conversation with your sibling. Although it can be anxiety producing to broach the subject, the results are usually useful for both parties. Being honest and open can assuage guilt and increase bonds in ways we wouldn’t have imagined. An example of what you could say might include: “When we were younger there were times when I would masturbate – which now I realize a lot of children and teens do. I always tried to make sure you were either asleep or not around when I did this. However, now that I’m older I realize that if you were awake or aware of this in any way, that my behavior could have left you feeling uncomfortable. I’d like to offer an apology in case this is so. Is there anything you need to say or ask me about this? I don’t want anything to stand in the way of the best relationship we can possibly have.”

I’m not sure that all members would agree with you that masturbation is something you need to go in and see the bishop about – especially if it is not happening at what would be considered an “addictive” frequency (numerous times a day) and if it is not happening congruently with pornography. If everyone who was masturbating was setting up a visit with their bishop, I don’t think bishops would have time to deal with much else. I hope this doesn’t sound crass – I just hope this adds some perspective on the seriousness of different issues. Whether or not you want to discuss this with your bishop should be a personal decision based on what you think will help you the most.

The things that concern me most, are your feelings of guilt, depression and anxiety. These feelings (when felt exaggeratedly- i.e. guilt outweighs the sin) are what will make any problem, especially sexual, take on a life of its own. I hope that these are the things you spend time and energy addressing, instead of getting stuck within the trap of inappropriate shame.

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