What is therapy supposed to be about?

Last updated on: April 30, 2010 at 1:56 pm by Natasha Helfer

What is therapy supposed to be about? 2010-04-30T13:56:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I have a question for you regarding therapy. My husband left about 18 months ago and we were legally separated about 6 months ago; I anticipate we will file for divorce this year. I have been experiencing some situational depression, and have sought therapy. I had individual counseling both before he left and after and we also had joint couples therapy. I have not, however found any of the therapy very helpful. Basically, the therapists (three separate ones) seem to ask questions, listen to my answers and, essentially take my side. They sympathize and tell me about all the things I did (and am doing) right and all the things my husband did (and is doing) wrong. I don’t find this enormously helpful. As a single mom, I have neither the time nor the money to employ a friend or cheerleader. Have I just had bad therapists, or is this what therapy is supposed to be about?

Many therapy styles are centered on the philosophy that the client should direct the conversation – whatever the client brings up is what is most relevant and will lead the discussion where it needs to go. For some, this is can be a useful approach. However, what you seem to be looking for is a therapist who is trained in goal-centered, solution-focused, and short-term therapy. These are all “key terms” that you can ask a therapist about. As a client you are the consumer and you have the right to get the type of “product” you are seeking. Unfortunately, because of different styles and personalities, it can be difficult to find the right fit with a therapist the very first time. It is not uncommon to see 2-3 therapists before you find one you are comfortable with.

I recommend finding someone who is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. AAMFTs website has geographical listings of licensed therapists in your area. Most MFTs are trained in solution-focused work and are more systemic in their approach (looking at the whole picture rather than just the individual in the office). Our title is somewhat deceptive because MFTs are just as able to do individual therapy as any other mental health professional.

You are absolutely correct that “siding” with one spouse is not going to be useful to you or your husband. In couple’s counseling it is helpful to address what is “correct” or “incorrect” behavior within a marriage, but from there you should be moving on to “what do we do about this?,” “what can we expect on the way to a better relationship?,” “are we both committed to this relationship and at what level?,” “if we’re not going to stay together, what will our co-parenting relationship look like?,” “what attracted me to a person who would act “badly” and him to a person who wouldn’t?,” “what patterns are we repeating intergenerationally?” Working on these types of issues are helpful whether or not a couple stays together. If they have children, they will continue to have a relationship for many years even after divorce. Also, if a person decides to remarry without doing this type of work, it is a statistical fact that they tend to attract people with similar issues.

Research shows that regardless of the type of therapy a therapist adheres to, the #1 factor that is most helpful for people to make progress within the therapy process is the aura of safety, feeling understood, validated and listened to by their therapist. That is why therapists spend time – especially at the beginning – forging an emotional bond (i.e. called “joining”) with their clients. Once that bond is in place – then it is easier to challenge a client and focus on new skills. However, as therapists, it is our responsibility to not stay stuck in the “trying to bond” stage and hesitate to move forward to the equally productive stages of taking action.

I hope you don’t give up on getting the help you need. I encourage you to be proactive, open and honest with your therapist. If you don’t feel like you’re getting what you need, you should be able to express that. I continually ask for feedback from clients as to whether or not they feel we are headed in the right direction. I appreciate it when clients can tell me their concerns. I realize that takes courage. It saves a lot of time, energy and money when all involved within the therapy process can be frank about the process itself.

A therapist is never to be a “friend.” That’s not our role. You don’t pay a friend. A therapist is not an advice giver. There is a difference between “here are some options” or “have you thought about this?” vs. “this is what you should do.” A therapist is sometimes a cheerleader – we want to recognize, point out and support change/positive behavior. A therapist is sometimes a coach – offering guidance, education, resources, etc. A therapist is a listener. A therapist is one who validates and challenges simultaneously. It is not easy for anyone to accept a challenge if one does not feel validated. At the same time, it is not useful to only be validated. This is probably the hardest balancing act that as therapists we face.

I wish you the very best in finding what you need at this difficult time of your life.

Uncategorized

Previous Post

April 27, 2010

Struggles in Mormon Marriage and Sexuality

Next Post

May 4, 2010 Do I need to just close my eyes?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Abortion Abuse Addiction Adolescents Anger Anxiety BDSM Bipolar Disorder Body Image Boundaries Children Circumcision Civil Rights Consent COVID19-Coronavirus Death Depression Divorce Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Erectile Dysfunction Faith Crisis/Faith Transition Gender Identity Gender Roles Gospel Teachings Grief Homosexuality Infidelity LGBTQ LGBTQ+ Male Issues Marriage Masturbation Menopause Mental Health Mindfulness Miscarriage Missions Mixed-Faith Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Parenting Perfectionism Physical Abuse Physical Health Pornography Premature Ejaculation PTSD Race Relations Relationships Rest Righteousness Self Care Self Injury Self-Esteem Sexual Abuse Sexual Disorders Sexual Education Sexuality Single Adults Social Media Spirituality Suicide Survey Temple Issues Transgender Health Trauma Uncategorized Violence Women's Issues Word of Wisdom

Select a Month September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 December 2018 November 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 July 2015 February 2015 January 2015 November 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 April 2014 February 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 May 2012 April 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

How many chapters are in the Book of Isaiah?

Select your answer to see how you score.

31 22 66 52