We cannot talk about sex…

Last updated on: October 14, 2012 at 10:59 pm by Natasha Helfer

We cannot talk about sex… 2012-10-14T22:59:42-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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This was a response to a previous post- My wife never touches me… :

My friend we live in different continents and have different wives but our problems are somewhat similar. I think that this might be like your case but 10 years earlier…I’m 28, so is my wife, we are married for 5 years and after our first born came, 2 years ago, our sex life has become a little bit of what you described. Our relationship isn’t as distant, but the way things are going I fear that in the future I will be living under the same circumstances. She gradually stopped most of her intimacies, touches, kisses or anything that would arise any sexual desire because of fear that I would try to have sex with her, and she won’t allow me to give her a massage, play with her hair or anything that most women want their husbands to do. I try very hard to be loving and to show empathy to what she feels but often we argue and fight about sex. 2 years ago we stopped having oral sex (she says that she never liked it, and if it’s up to her we will never do it again), then I noticed that she stopped having orgasms or showing any pleasure with our intimate relationship, and things evolved to her always getting irritated after sex and complaining about something. Lately we cannot talk about sex. About 1 year ago I noticed that she would “let me have sex for my own pleasure” once a month or so… Along with that I started to become very anxious and thinking that I am not very good in bed and that’s why she doesn’t like it, and started to get premature ejaculation and a bad masturbation habit (and I feel awful about the last one). Now we are both avoiding anything to do with sex. My greatest fear is that this will get worse with time and our situation may either lead us to divorce or an eternally unhappy family. I’m always thinking about it, just like described in the posts above! I get pretty annoying about it too!
I love her very much, we were or are best friends and I want to think that I love her more than just sex (she says that…) I want our lives to be normal, I want to grow old and still have a sex life! Most of all I want us to have pleasure with sex like we used to… Please help if your situation changes, let me know and give some light.

This is classic example of how small problems can quickly become embedded in deeper seeded patterns where each individual in a couple can be left feeling stuck, alone, frustrated and at their wits end on how to move forward. I have written quite a bit on “sexless marriage” and encourage you to go through my previous posts under this heading. Here are some thoughts:

The willingness to communicate openly, honestly and respectfully is vital to resolving issues around sex. Sometimes what we have to say may feel hurtful. As long as we do so respectfully while simultaneously taking personal responsibility, this is an appropriate step within marriage. This is not the time to take offense easily. This is the time to look for solutions.
The willingness to compromise will be vital as well. The partner with lower sex drive should be willing to meet the physical needs of their spouse even when “not in the mood.” There are many ways to do this that can be deemed a “gift” and that need not bring in the feeling of resentment. The partner with the higher sex drive should be willing to be patient and understand that the marriage is not doomed or failing if not every physical need or urge is met. When the lower drive partner is willing to give of themselves sexually, the higher drive partner should both feel and express appreciation, understanding the depth of the gift being offered.
Although being creative and exploring different sexual options should be something a couple looks forward to together, there are no set rules or certain types of sexual encounters that will magically make the relationship better. There are people who have great sex lives without it including oral sex. There are people who have great sex lives who love oral sex. There are couples who wouldn’t describe their sex lives as “great” even though they may or may not be having oral sex. Having a “great” sex life has more to do about honest communication and the willingness to meet needs than any specific sexual act.
It is not a coincidence that these issues started soon after the birth of your first child. There are biological, physical, emotional and cultural reasons why many women have a difficult time redefining themselves sexually after becoming mothers. It is important to recognize, validate and explore these reasons to successfully move on from them.
The level of dysfunction that you are describing – and how it’s getting worse rather than better – leads me to strongly suggest that you begin some type of marital/individual counseling to address these issues. You do not need to face these problems alone. A trained professional can help you sort out things like realistic expectations, healthier communication patterns, sexual setbacks, developmental issues, etc. Your marriage is worth the time, energy and financial funds necessary for this type of help. If you are unable to find adequate resources in your area, especially if you’re looking for an LDS therapist, I am available through skype for teleconference style sessions. I do offer sliding fee scales for those who present financial need.

On a side note, I would welcome any comments/advice from couples who have found themselves in a similar situation at some point in their marriage and have overcome issues dealing with physical intimacy. What was helpful? What wasn’t helpful? What was tried? How long did it take to feel like you were making progress? What have you learned through this process? How have you grown as a couple? What did you learn about yourself?

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