I need an opinion on masturbation…

Last updated on: October 14, 2012 at 11:02 pm by Natasha Helfer

I need an opinion on masturbation… 2012-10-14T23:02:42-05:00 Natasha Helfer

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I am a 29 year old active, loving, strong member of the LDS church. I am MARRIED nearly 7 years to a beautiful, loving wife (yes we were married in the temple) I have struggled ALL MY LIFE with sexual sin, masturbation being at the core of it all. I served a mission, and am Eagle Scout, serve in the Young Men’s presidency in my ward and am really trying to do the Lord’s will and have the spirit with me to guide and lead me so I can have peace and joy in my life. I have been inactive for a while off and on during my years in the church mainly because of the feelings of complete shame and guilt I would feel not being able to “control my body” and cease the act of masturbation. This of course led to an addiction to pornography where I would indulge my sexual guilt and go to find my comfort and solace. Realizing now that behavior to be COMPLETELY detrimental to everything I’m trying to achieve in my life and causes a complete lack of the spirit in my life, I am really really working hard to break that habit and clean up my thoughts and actions.

Now here’s where my problem comes in…

As I mentioned…I’m a married man. Well, my wife and I have 3 beautiful little children and JUST NOW had a new baby. My wife is laid up in bed, in pain and of course we aren’t allowed to have intercourse for up to 6 weeks. Well it’s already been about 2 weeks and needless to say I’m struggling. The urge to masturbate is stronger than ever and I’m really trying to fight it off but as I continue to struggle with it it finally dawned on me that maybe I really need to talk to someone about this. I have talked to my Father in Heaven about it and I was led here. I don’t feel comfortable talking to my bishop or Priesthood leaders because they are my friends plus I don’t really want to continue to be fed manipulation and guilt surrounding this topic.

My wife is laid up, in too much pain to even “help me out.” I’m not having wet dreams because I’m almost 30 years old and I can’t focus. I’m stressed and this is causing me a lot of pain both physically and spiritually and for once I’d really like to get an LDS PROFESSIONAL’s opinion on the matter. I’m really hoping you can help me here.

As I said I’m really trying to do what’s right and live a pure and clean life…I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink alcohol, I have NEVER cheated on my wife with another woman, I’m a very good person and this is my only vice really…and it’s tearing me up inside and I don’t know what to do…

I really don’t feel that if I were to masturbate WITHOUT DISRESPECT, WITHOUT PORNOGRAPHY and in a very respectful way that it would be detrimental to my spiritual and physical well being.

What are your thoughts on this?

I am choosing to respond to this post “out of order” because of the addictive qualities present and the time limitation of this problem. Here are my thoughts:

Congratulations on the birth of your new child!
Congratulations on your desire to rid yourself of a pornography habit!
Congratulations on your ability to see yourself as a “very good person” in spite of your weaknesses. You ARE a good person. You are a son of God! You’re just struggling with something that is serious but not that uncommon. And on top of it, you are attempting to take on the battle and win it. Good for you!
Although many times linked together, pornography and masturbation are two completely different issues that differ greatly in seriousness of “sin” and sexual health. Sometimes issues with masturbation can lead to issues with pornography – but not always.
You are completely correct in realizing that your overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame do more to deter your success than to help it along.
Progress in any type of addiction is not usually without relapse. Don’t use this as an excuse but rather as a way to be patient with yourself and not fall into past patterns of self-loathing.
One thing you do not mention is whether or not your wife is aware of your issues with pornography and/or masturbation. Therefore, I do not know what kind of resource she can be for you at this point.
If it’s a choice between pornography and masturbation, by all means choose masturbation!
On a side note, there is no scientific evidence that shows masturbation to be damaging physically (unless addiction has reached a point where the genital area becomes raw or sore – masturbating numerous times within an hour for example which is not that common and is more tied to issues dealing with OCD). Masturbation is damaging when it is associated with rigid guilt/shame or when it becomes a substitution for true intimacy with a spouse.

Here are my preferences on how I would want you to proceed:

It would be most beneficial for your intimacy as a couple if your wife is aware of your issues and chooses to be a helpmate through this process of recovery. This would mean that she would need to be educated about addiction, its influences, the recovery process and what she can or should expect along the process.
If she is aware and willing to help, it would be most beneficial if you could masturbate either somehow in her presence or at least with her “permission” and knowledge.
If she is not aware, I would still rather you choose masturbation over pornography and then work towards talking about this issue with your wife in the near future. If you’re afraid of her response, this may be a good time to consider marital therapy of some sort.
As you masturbate, I would encourage you to become aware of your sexual thoughts and fantasies. Are you able to masturbate to thoughts of your wife or are you depending solely on pornographic material previously viewed?
Also, just because she is in pain and cannot have sex with you for six weeks, try to take into account what your wife’s physical intimacy needs are during this time as well. It may not include intercourse, but she may need touch in other ways such as hugs, cuddling, positive affirmation, comments on how beautiful you find her, etc. Ask her.
Whenever anyone is dealing with something addictive it is important that they know this is not a battle one needs to face alone. Those who take part in some type of group counseling (which offers great accountability) usually have better success at recovery. There is an addictions group that is now offered in most areas by the church itself and if not there are always other community and/or internet resources.

Remember that secrecy and shame are your biggest enemies.
Good luck! Keep up the great work and the positive attitude.

Marriage

Masturbation

Sexuality

Previous Post

April 22, 2010

We cannot talk about sex...

Next Post

April 27, 2010 Struggles in Mormon Marriage and Sexuality

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Abortion Abuse Addiction Adolescents Anger Anxiety BDSM Bipolar Disorder Body Image Boundaries Children Circumcision Civil Rights Consent COVID19-Coronavirus Death Depression Divorce Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Erectile Dysfunction Faith Crisis/Faith Transition Gender Identity Gender Roles Gospel Teachings Grief Homosexuality Infidelity LGBTQ LGBTQ+ Male Issues Marriage Masturbation Menopause Mental Health Mindfulness Miscarriage Missions Mixed-Faith Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Parenting Perfectionism Physical Abuse Physical Health Pornography Premature Ejaculation PTSD Race Relations Relationships Rest Righteousness Self Care Self Injury Self-Esteem Sexual Abuse Sexual Disorders Sexual Education Sexuality Single Adults Social Media Spirituality Suicide Survey Temple Issues Transgender Health Trauma Uncategorized Violence Women's Issues Word of Wisdom

Select a Month September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 December 2018 November 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 July 2015 February 2015 January 2015 November 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 April 2014 February 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 May 2012 April 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What does Paul say in Philemon he would have liked to keep Onesimus to do?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Help him while he is in chains for the gospel Serve in the church Care for the poor Preach the word